


Carried Away

by charmedcas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Medical Procedures, Minor Character Death, Slow Build, Switching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 15:28:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 81,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5253422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmedcas/pseuds/charmedcas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Living in New York City, Dean Winchester's life consists of working as a pediatric nurse, leaving little room for free time. His best friend and roommate, Castiel Novak, happens to be a surgical resident at the same hospital that Dean works at. Even though they see a lot of each other, the two of them have learned to coexist with ease.</p><p>When the annual fundraising gala becomes the talk of the hospital, it only makes sense for both of them to pretend they're together to kill two birds with one stone. The gossip about them finally stops, and no one tries to set them up with a date for the gala. It's easy enough for Dean and Castiel to act like a couple at first. However, they each end up getting more than they signed up for as the line dividing what's fake and what's real between them blurs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Aperture

**Author's Note:**

> I have to thank all my friends and followers for keeping me going while I was writing this story. You guys are all the best! 
> 
> In particular, I need to thank [Dhvani](http://darlingsammy.tumblr.com/) for giving me a ton of advice and also for convincing me not to give up halfway through writing, even though she doesn't even read for this ship.
> 
> I also need to thank my last minute beta, [Jodie](http://ricksmlchonne.tumblr.com/), who helped me out even though there were only days left till I had to post. Thank you again!
> 
> Alright, onwards.

His day, like most days, begins with a fresh cup of coffee.  
  
The kitchen remains encased in dark shadows, the air wintry, as Dean holds a mug to his lips. His feet hang off the bar stool that he's sitting on, and his elbows rest on the granite countertop. As the bitter, but warm coffee slides down his throat, he finds the goosebumps on his arm disappearing. Winter in New York City isn't exactly the warmest of times, even if it is February.  **  
**  
Dean leans forward as he stares across the kitchen. Today, his shift at the hospital is from seven to five, and he'll be damned if he's not ready to face it.   
  
With that thought in mind, he gulps down the rest of the coffee, only wincing slightly as it burns his tongue. He gets off the bar stool, his socked feet moving instinctively towards the sink, without him even having to think about it.   
  
Dean moved to the city when he was twenty-two and chipper to get his Master's degree. He spent the next couple years juggling studying and shifts at the hospital, but it all worked out in the end. Well, mostly, considering he has mounds of loans to pay off still. But now he's proud to call himself a registered nurse.   
  
He's just depositing his mug in the sink when he hears movement in the hallway, which is probably bleary-eyed Cas making his way to the kitchen.  
  
The two of them had met back when Dean was still new to the city. It had been a Friday night, and Dean had been invited to a bar with Charlie and a couple of her friends. Charlie had been a year ahead of him in getting a Master, but she had taken Dean under her wing when they had met each other on campus. And she had insisted that Dean come out with her so that he could meet more people.  
  
He'd had a lonely couple months, riddled with squeezing his homework in-between shifts and classes, so he was more than a little worn out. But he still went to the bar with Charlie, though it wasn't long before she left to go to a club with a couple others, and Dean hadn't wanted to tag along. He had resigned himself to sitting alone at the bar for another hour, when a voice piped up next to him, and he was met with startlingly blue eyes.  
  
Those eyes belonged to Castiel, and Dean decided that it was better to talk to someone than no one, right? So they talked through a couple more drinks, and Dean learned that Castiel was in his first year of medical school, had moved to New York City four years ago for college, and he had two step-siblings, along with an affinity for bees. By the end of the night, Cas had given Dean his number in case Dean ever wanted to learn the "in's and out's" of the city, and that had been that.  
  
Except Dean had taken Castiel up on his offer, which led to the start of what became a pretty great friendship. They moved into an apartment together when Dean finished getting his Master's degree, and then they moved again to a place closer to the hospital last year, once Castiel had finished his intern year of surgical residency. They were each home at odd hours anyways, so it was nice to have company when they were home.   
  
Now, they both worked in the same place, with Cas in his second year of residency, with Dean a nurse on the Pediatric floor. The two of them managed to coexist surprisingly well, and Dean's glad he took Charlie up on that offer for a drink that one day.  
  
Well, he's glad most of the time. Mornings with Cas have proved to be difficult.  
  
Dean's just opening a box of Frosted Flakes to eat when Cas shuffles his way past Dean and making toward the coffee pot. Dean pauses where he's tearing open the packet of cereal, and turns fully to face Cas. In the dim lighting, Dean sees that Cas is dressed in black slacks with an untucked white shirt. Dean once found it strange that Cas got dressed up to go to work, even though he was going to be changing into scrubs once he got there, but now he's learned not to question it.  
  
Dean continues to stare at Castiel as he almost robotically fills up his cup. He then grabs creamer to put inside, along with sugar too. Only after Cas has stirred his coffee and had a long drag does he acknowledge Dean's presence, and even then, all he does he is tilt his head slightly and squint at Dean's face. In turn, Dean sighs and leans back against the counter.  
  
"Morning, Cas. Nice to see your priorities haven't changed," Dean greets as he watches Cas glue his lips to the mug again for a few seconds. Some days Dean wonders if he's going to have to have an intervention with Cas in the near future about his coffee addiction. But then again, Dean knows from firsthand experience that Cas and mornings mix together like oil and water, and that's putting it lightly; the only time you see Cas up early on his days off is when he wants to go to the farmer's market, and even then he's all grumbly.  
  
After a couple seconds, Castiel seems more awake and acknowledges Dean. "You would think I've adapted to early mornings after being a med student, but unfortunately not," Cas sighs while leaning against the counter. His fingers tap against his mug, and although he can't see it in the darkness of the room, Dean knows Cas is holding his favorite sky blue mug that has buzzing bees around its perimeter.   
  
"That's what you get for wanting to save lives, Doctor Novak," Dean jokes. Cas manages an eye roll and takes another sip of his coffee.  
  
"We work in the same place, so it's unfair to say that you don't help save lives too, Nurse Winchester."  
  
Now it's Dean's turn to roll his eyes. "Barely." Cas looks like he's about to say something more, but Dean cuts him off before he can. "Hey, what time's your shift till today, anyways?"  
  
"It's until six today, which means I should be back in time for dinner."  
  
"Awesome, 'cause I was thinking about finally trying out that new burger recipe today," Dean says with a grin. Sure, he may not have an actual grill, but he still knows how to make a damn good burger. The first time Cas had eaten one made by Dean, he'd almost cried, which had been four or five years ago, and he prides himself for that moment.  
  
Cas regards Dean seriously and responds in an even voice. "I knew I made the right decision to talk to you in the bar that day." And then Cas is walking up to put his mug into the sink and throwing a goodbye over his shoulder while Dean's left standing next to an unopen packet of cereal.  
  
Dean blinks twice before he goes back to opening his cereal, and then proceeds to shove a handful into his mouth. While he chews, he closes the packet and places it back on top of the fridge. The kitchen is still tinted in a shade of blue as he walks out of it, but he's feeling more awake now. He decides to use this time to go grab their mail from downstairs and then take a shower afterwards.  
  
He ambles across the lobby of their apartment building to the mailboxes, and intercepts the mail inside the box that reads "Novak and Winchester". Then it's back up the stairs to the apartment, and Dean shuts the door without even having glanced at the mail yet. He takes a seat on the couch to look through his while setting aside Cas' mail, humming to himself.  
  
He's halfway through "Ramble On" when his eyes land on a bill addressed to him from the hospital, and he feels a wave of nausea swim through him as the takes in the numbers.   
  
It's a feeling he's come to know well over the past few months, so he just puts the bill back into his pile to deal with later and gets up, scooping his mail in one hand with Cas' in the other. He deposits it on the coffee table and goes straight to the bathroom to take a long, hot shower.

\- - - 

Throughout his morning, Dean finds himself to be on edge and distracted a little. It has to do with the memories that flooded his mind when he saw that bill in the mail, but he tries to shove them into the deepest crevice of his mind, try being the key word.   
  
It's not that he's in denial about anything that happened that night in November a year or two ago. It's more like he's trying to avoid thinking about it in detail, so that he can go on with his life without being a shell of the person he used to be. He's just trying to move beyond his past, and if he represses it at most opportunities, so what?  
  
Okay, so he's a little in denial.  
  
By the time Dean's in the cafeteria getting lunch, he's a little out of it, and Charlie seems to notice this as she approaches him.  
  
"You okay there, Dean?" Charlie asks apprehensively, her voice taking on a tone of concern.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired," he lies, hoping Charlie will drop it. Thankfully, Charlie does and nods in understanding.  
  
"Well it is Monday morning, and even I'm a little on edge. Though that's more because of this patient I'm dealing with than Monday morning blues. I mean, so this guy comes in to get a brain tumor removed, except he thinks that he's the boss of me or something, and he was ordering me around all morning. And his name is even a dick kind of name: Metatron," Charlie rants, taking a sip of her water bottle right after speaking.  
  
If this guy has Charlie pissed off, then Dean doesn't know what he would do if he had Metatron (what kind of a name even is that?) as a patient. Hell, Charlie is probably the friendliest person he's ever met, and she's an even nicer nurse. Unlike Dean's specialty in Pediatrics, Charlie's a registered nurse in Neurology. She's says she likes the intricate mechanics of the brain, whereas Dean just really loves caring for kids.  
  
He's snapped out of his thoughts when Benny comes and takes a seat next to Dean. The cafeteria is full of people milling about, since it is half past eleven, and usually Benny, Charlie, and Dean end up taking their lunch breaks together. Cas on the other hand just grabs lunch whenever he can depending on his surgeries, so Dean usually doesn't see him while he's here.  
  
Charlie and Dean say a quick hello to Benny, and then the three of them are silent save for sounds of them chewing their lunch.   
  
Dean met Benny way back when he first started working at the hospital while he was working on getting his Master's degree. Benny kind of showed all the ropes to Dean on the Peds floor, since Benny was a Pediatric nurse too, and the two of them became easy friends. By the time Dean became a Nurse Practitioner, he was well aware of the ins and outs of the hospital.  
  
Dean pops some more of his pasta into his mouth, which tastes good for once, until Benny clears his throat to talk.  
  
"Listen, are either of you getting off before six today? Andrea's been craving some biscotti from that place on 106th street, and I promised her I'd get her some today. It's just that I'm off at six and by the time I go there and wait in line, it'll take me an hour or two to get home," Benny asks, looking at Dean and Charlie with those big, puppy eyes.   
  
"Sorry, no can do, Benny. I'm here till seven today," Charlie replies, sounding regretful. This leads Benny to turn those puppy eyes directly at Dean. For a second, Dean glares back, but then he sighs. Damn those puppy eyes.   
  
"I'm getting off at five, so I guess I can run by and get Andrea her biscotti, as long as I'm done by six," Dean tells Benny.   
  
"Why? Where you gotta be by six?" Benny wonders.  
  
"Uh, I promised Cas I'd make burgers for dinner," Dean divulges, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly at the end.  
  
Except Charlie suddenly swats Dean's bicep with her hand and smiles brightly at Dean. Something tells him that he isn't going to like what comes out of her mouth.  
  
"Dean! I haven't seen Cas in like a week. How have you guys been?"   
  
"We're both fine. Not like we as in us together, but as separate people. I'm fine, he's fine, everybody's fine," Dean blurts out, mentally slapping himself. He always ends up sounding like an idiot whenever it comes to talking about Cas.  
  
"Ah, trouble in paradise?" interjects a voice from over Dean's shoulder. When Dean turns, he finds himself looking at Bela Talbot. Of course.   
  
"Did you not hear what I said? We're both doing fine; there's nothing else to it," Dean reiterates, stabbing his fork into his pasta angrily. He's been enduring months of teasing about him and Cas being a "thing" ever since people found out they shared an apartment. Can't two guys just live together in this day and age without everyone thinking they're a couple?  
  
Even Benny and Charlie have decided that Dean and Cas would make a "great couple", so now Dean's forced to give the same spiel to everyone: he and Cas are not together. Sure, they've been friends for over five years, but that doesn't make them automatically a couple.  
  
"If you're sure, Dean. There's just something about you two that hmm," Bela thinks for a moment before continuing, "something that has me believing in young love again," Bela finishes. Dean turns a venomous glare at her, deepening it when Bela takes the seat next to him. Bela's in the same residency year as Cas, so Dean sees a lot of her around the hospital. Doesn't mean they're actually friends though.  
  
"Still not in love with each other, Bela. Still not dating either," Dean declares with a tone of finality. The rest of the lunch goes smoothly without any more comments about him and Cas.  
  
However, when Charlie leaves the cafeteria, she pats Dean's shoulder and looks at him in sympathy as if she knows something that Dean doesn't, and that look stays with him the rest of the day.

\- - -

When Castiel enters the resident's lounge, the last thing he expects is to see his sister there, reading a medical journal.   
  
Anna is seated on the lone maroon couch in the room, a bowl of green grapes next to her. She doesn't notice Castiel at first, but as soon as she does, she places the magazine on the table in front of her and quickly chews the grapes in her mouth.  
  
"Cas! I haven't seen you since early last week. How have you been?" Anna questions.  
  
"I've been good, thank you. What about you? I heard you had that big surgery earlier this morning." Castiel takes a seat in the armchair adjacent to Anna, and sets his lunch tray on his lap.  
  
"You mean my Whipple? It went great, though it took six hours to complete, which means I've been here since five AM," Anna groans, leaning her head back on the couch. It is currently half past twelve, and Castiel is trying to get some food into his stomach before he goes to assist Ezekiel in a craniotomy.   
  
"Well, the life of an up-and-coming surgeon has to have some cons, doesn't it?" Castiel says, quirking an eyebrow up while looking directly at Anna. She looks back at him in consideration.  
  
Anna's a fifth year resident at the hospital, along with being Chief Resident. Castiel doesn't know how she balances a social life with so much bookkeeping, but she manages it very well, and Castiel looks up to her for that. She is his half-sister, and three years his elder, after all.  
  
"I suppose so, although my life isn't too perfect to begin with, unlike yours at the moment."   
  
"What are you talking about?" Castiel glances at Anna in confusion as a wide grin spreads across her face.  
  
"Oh, like you don't know what I'm talking about," Anna laughs. When Castiel continues to look at Anna in confusion, she sighs in exasperation. "I'm talking about you and Dean, Cas. Rumor has it that you've both gotten over whatever mental shortcomings you both had and have finally gotten together."  
  
Castiel can feel a small blush rising in his cheeks as Anna finishes speaking. Lately, everyone has been pestering him with questions about his and Dean's relationship, but they have none.   
  
It's not that he doesn't like Dean. Actually, he's found that his feelings for Dean extended past those of friendship years ago. It had been the summer after his second year of med school, and Dean had been in Castiel's apartment making Castiel pancakes for breakfast after a night of marathoning movies.  
  
Somewhere in-between Dean grumbling about Cas not having the good pancake mix ("Who the hell uses Aunt Jemima anymore, Cas?"), and Dean finally tossing the pancakes onto a plate, Cas had been struck with a revelation. Dean still had little creases from the couch, where he'd fallen asleep, on his left cheek and every couple seconds, he would rub a knuckle into his eyes in an attempt to wake himself up.  
  
Normally, Cas would be even more tired than Dean was, but he was wide awake in that moment. Somehow, somewhere, at some point in their friendship, Castiel had gone and fallen in love with his best friend.   
  
Even now, years later, he hasn't been able to shake the feeling. He doesn't want to either, even if Dean won't ever feel the same way about him.   
  
He snaps out of his reverie and meets Anna's expectant eyes, shaking his head.   
  
"Anna, Dean and I are still not in a relationship together. I can assure you of that," Castiel reminds, stuffing a forkful of pasta into his mouth. It's surprisingly delicious to eat today.   
  
"Someone told me that you two had finally gotten together, and I just thought," Anna sighs. "I'm sorry, Castiel." Castiel told Anna about the nature of his feelings a couple years back, and she's been insistent that Castiel tell Dean, but he doesn't want to ruin their friendship. He's not sure he could handle Dean kicking him out of his life.  
  
"It's fine, Anna. But what's not fine is how everyone in this hospital insists on grouping the two of us together."  
  
"Please, Cas. Anyone with two working eyes can see the way you two act around each other." And for a second, hope rises in Castiel before he quashes the feeling down. So, in response, Castiel huffs.  
  
Then, Anna's standing up while plopping a couple more grapes into her mouth. "I would love to talk more, but if you'll excuse me, I have tests I need to pick up on the third floor. See you later?" Anna questions, and as soon as Castiel nods in reply, she turns around and exits the room.  
  
Now he has roughly fifteen minutes to eat before he has to go prep for surgery, which should be just enough time for him to go through the procedure again. The surgery is expected to take him until the end of his shift.   
  
He abruptly remembers Dean promising Castiel that he would make burgers for dinner tonight, and his mouth waters at the thought. Dean has been making him burgers for years, and he always takes the time to explain how to make them to Castiel, even though the one time Castiel made burgers for them, he'd messed up the ingredients. Castiel had almost gagged when he tasted one, but Dean had still eaten his share, saying that he was honored to eat Castiel's attempt at making edible food.  
  
He's smiling around the fork when he takes his next bite of pasta.

 - - -

He and Dr. Custos, or Ezekiel as he insists Castiel call him, spent four hours in surgery, and by the end of it, Castiel felt a rush flowing through him.   
  
Their patient, Chuck Shurley, had come into the hospital's clinic complaining of severe headaches and exhaustion, and following a CT scan, they had found that he had a minor brain tumor.  
  
Luckily, they had detected it early and wasted no time in giving Chuck the information he needed to decide whether or not to go through the surgery. And now Castiel's shift is over, since Ezekiel will be doing the post-op for the patient, so Castiel goes back to the resident's lounge to change before he has to meet Dean in front of the hospital.  
  
However, on the way to the lounge, he runs into Dean himself, who's dressed in a black t-shirt, green plaid, and a blue jacket to go over all of it. He looks a little out of breath, and Castiel sidesteps as to not directly run into him.   
  
"Oh hey, Cas! I was just giving Benny something, but I'm about to leave, if you're done with everything?" Dean questions, slightly out of breath. He smells like a mix of cinnamon and wood-chips, and Castiel inhales deeper, wondering where the scent came from.   
  
Dean's hair is also windswept, his nose is slightly red, with his flushed skin making his freckles stand out even more. All in all, it's a beautiful picture, and Castiel has to blink himself out of his stupor.  
  
"Yes, I just completed my surgery. I'm just gonna change my clothes, and then I'll meet you by the doors."  
  
"Alright cool, because I've been thinking about burgers all day," Dean declares, with excitement in his green eyes.  
  
"Is that so? I thought you were only going to make them for me," Castiel leans back against the wall he's standing in front of, and he raises his eyebrows at Dean.   
  
"I never said that, Cas. I said 'new burger recipe'," Dean reminds him.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"If I ever make burgers and don't eat one myself, know that the person in my body is not Dean Winchester."   
  
"Fine, but I get the first one."  
  
"Over my dead body."  
  
"Dean," Castiel challenges.  
  
"Castiel," Dean says in the same tone as Castiel. He knows that he's going to give in to Dean eventually, but sometimes it's fun to throw Dean off like this.  
  
Though before Castiel can roll his eyes and vocalize a 'fine' to Dean, he becomes aware of someone standing on his right. He turns to see Ruby staring at Dean and Cas with a mildly disgusted look. He knows Ruby is a new Peds nurse that works alongside Dean, meaning that Castiel has heard more than enough complaints about her from Dean.  
  
She doesn't seem as cynical as Dean made her out to be, however.  
  
"It's a good thing we're in a hospital, because you two make me sick. Go do your bickering somewhere else," Ruby quips.  
  
"We were not bickering!" Dean exclaims. He takes on a defensive pose and crosses his arm across his chest.  
  
"Yeah, okay. Whatever you say, loverboy." Ruby throws Dean a smug expression over her shoulder as she sees the look of indignation on Dean's face. Castiel watches Ruby walks away, her dark brown hair flowing through the air.  
  
An awkward pause falls between them, and Castiel clears his throat as it dials up from awkward to incredibly uncomfortable.  
  
"So, I'm gonna just..." he trails off, gesturing towards the hallway that leads to the resident's lounge.  
  
"Yeah, I'll be by the doors." Dean gives Castiel another look and then he's speed walking away from him, and is that a blush Castiel sees on Dean's cheeks?  
  
Castiel doesn't get to dwell on that for too long as he walks away, and he almost forgets all about their encounter with Ruby by the time he meets Dean by the doors.  
  
Almost. 

\- - -

The days seem to pass by as if someone was turning a wheel. The same motions, same habits, same people, same conversations.   
  
It's a week after Dean made his burgers, which turned out even better than expected, when Castiel wakes up to the sound of muted voices coming from the living room.  
  
He walks there and takes a seat on their armchair, knuckling his right eye to clear the sleep out of it. Castiel has a shift today in an hour, but Dean has the day off. Why would he be up at such an ungodly hour?  
  
"Don't you not have a shift today?"  
  
"Yeah, but I thought I could get an early start to my day. Maybe even go to the gym or something," Dean grins, stretching his arms to rest them behind his head. Castiel snorts, knowing that Dean will probably be spending his morning on the couch. The two of them have gone to the gym together before, but that's something they rarely do anymore. Usually, Castiel just goes running on his days off to stay in shape, but that doesn't happen till ten in the morning.  
  
They're both quiet for a minute, so Castiel looks to where Dean's staring at the television. He's wearing red and black plaid pajama pants, with a ratty, gray Metallica shirt on top that's a little too tight along his midsection. Castiel is suddenly overcome with the urge to sit next to him and take fall asleep against his shoulder, but he knows that he has to go shower soon. Besides, Dean would probably never let him do that anyways.   
  
He gets up to go brush his teeth first, his feet shuffling across their hardwood floor.  
  
It was a lucky day when his and Dean's paths aligned to cross in that bar that day. The only reason he had struck up a conversation with Dean was because he was the only other person who seemed lonely at the moment.  
  
In his case, he had been out alone to have a drink on the one night he didn't have to study. He just wanted to be in the same room with people who weren't stressed out like he was. He wasn't expecting to talk to anyone, and he certainly wasn't expecting to meet Dean.   
  
Their friendship benefited from their mutual interest in the medical field, but they both had many different interests too, as they learned that night. Castiel was particularly impressed with Dean's choice of career.  
  
Speaking of Dean's profession, that's one thing Castiel finds especially admirable about Dean. Sure, Castiel is training to be a surgeon, most likely for cardiothoracics, but then there's Dean. Selfless, giving Dean who spends his days by the sides of children, providing company and assistance in times where they're the most vulnerable. And Dean does it with a smile on his face constantly.   
  
He also knows that Dean has a soft spot for his little brother. Dean has held back on most of the details, but he was told that Dean's mother died in a house fire when Dean had been four years old. His father moved him and his brother Sam around for years, shifting from town to town until Dean was twelve and they finally settled back to their hometown of Lawrence, Kansas.   
  
Castiel also knows that Dean single-handedly cared for his brother when his father had his lips glued to a bottle. Dean was the one to nurse him when he was sick, and he was the one who drove Sam from place to place in his teens.  
  
It was only natural that Dean chose nursing as his profession, when childcare has become almost an instinct for him. The charismatic quality he has when with a patient is genuine on Dean's part, and he always tells Castiel stories about his patients after a particularly long day.  
  
A wave of warmth rushes through Castiel at his thoughts, and it leaves his heart burning with want, but he can't have any of it, so instead he completes his morning activities.   
  
After brushing, he walks out to his room and grabs his clothing, so that he won't have to go back for it later on. Then he walks back down the hall and into the bathroom. For an apartment bathroom, it's a fairly large one, complete with a double sink, a standing shower, and even a clawfoot tub. He's only had the opportunity to try the tub out a couple times, and he anticipates the day when he gets to relax in it again.  
  
When he finishes getting ready, Castiel grabs his wallet and makes his way towards the door. He notes that Dean fallen asleep and is now curled up against one side of the couch, but he's shivering in his slumber. Castiel frowns and turns back to go to Dean's bedroom and grab something to cover him.  
  
He grabs a blanket to put on top of Dean, hearing Dean hum in his sleep when he does. Satisfied, Castiel goes back to leaves and shuts the door to their apartment.  
  
At first, when Dean had suggested that they move in together, he had been befuddled. Sure, they were best friends and all, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to hide his feelings for him if they were together most of the time. Though, the arrangement would work for both of them, and at least he would be getting home cooked meals occasionally.  
  
Still, he had wanted to make sure it was something Dean actually wanted, too, so he made sure to ask Dean repeatedly for weeks before Dean said that yes, this was something he wanted to do, and yes, it was Castiel he wanted to move in with. The first apartment they had moved into had been in Lower Manhattan, and now they live in Upper Manhattan, on the West side, since it makes the subway ride to the hospital quicker.  
  
As Castiel rides the subway, squished between a businessman chatting away on his phone and a young woman texting away on her phone, he contemplates how different his life was at this time last year. They had still been living in the old apartment, and Dean was barely making it through the day. Ever since the accident, Dean has put up more guards, and Castiel knows that Dean doesn't like to talk about them, so Castiel never brings them up.  
  
And stretching beyond Dean, at this time last year, his mother and he had been on even worse terms. Naomi has been and probably always will be solely focused on Castiel's work more than Castiel himself. It's a given. The sky is blue. There are sixty seconds in a minute. Friday comes after Thursday. And Naomi Novak cares more about Castiel's career than Castiel.  
  
His fingers are numb from the cold when he steps into the hospital, and he almost wants to go back outdoors when he hears what people are talking about.   
  
The summer fundraising gala. Also known as the one event Castiel dreads all year. Of course, he's only had to experience it two times in his life, but two times is more than enough to hate it. His first time attending had been three days before his first day at the hospital. It was created years ago for the hospital to raise money for research and equipment, since they invited sponsors and staff alike. However, he discovered the next year that it was more of a "new meets old" kind of thing where the new staff can meet the new interns. Nurses were also invited to attend, and according to Dean, every nurse talks about the gala for months.  
  
As he enters the lounge to change his clothes, his nose gets hit with a smell of fruity perfume that he has come to associate with Bela Talbot. She pauses in the middle of talking to Victor Henriksen, a fifth year resident who is geared towards Pediatrics.  
  
Bela and Victor turn to look at Castiel, though before Castiel can say a hello, Bela speaks.  
  
"Castiel! Have you heard that they've decided on a date for the gala? It's on the twenty-seventh of June. Victor and I were just talking about who we think's going to go with who, though I suppose I don't need to wonder who you're going with," Bela says with a smug expression on her face.  
  
"Yeah, can't wait to see you and Winchester all dressed up for the prom," Victor adds with a grin on his face. As Castiel opens his mouth to disprove them, the door opens behind him as Anna walks into the room, already in her scrubs. Bela and Victor both go back to getting dressed as Anna drags Bela away with her when Bela's dressed.  
  
With practiced fingers, Castiel tucks his clothes into his shelf, mind wandering to what Bela and Victor were saying about him and Dean. It's what everyone's been saying about them for months, and Castiel can't help but think about why they think that.  
  
Is it the way they act around each other? Or is it just because of their shared residence?  
  
Castiel doesn't want anyone to think of them as anything other than what they are, which is best friends. He doesn't want to make Dean uncomfortable with assumptions that aren't true. And Castiel doesn't want anyone to think that if it isn't true either, if for the sake of his own sanity. But he doesn't know what to do to convince people that they are not together.   
  
Regardless, Castiel doesn't let himself be derailed by that train of thought, and instead focuses on getting through his morning rounds. That's he can do.


	2. From the Ground Up

While he's making the walk from the subway station to the hospital, Dean's mind is zeroed in on one thing: the summer fundraising gala. Cas had come home last night and told him all about how everyone would not stop talking about it all day because the hospital board had announced the date of it.  
  
It's not that he hates the idea of getting dressed up all fancy, spending the night having a couple drinks, and raising money for the hospital. He just hates the buzz that seems to envelop it that inevitably leads to people trying to play matchmaker.  
  
He's had to endure it for years; he's twenty-eight now, but he's been working at the hospital ever since he came to study for his Master's degree. He got out of it while he was in school, since he was only working part time, but then he had to attend the next two years. And then last year, he got out of it by having Sam "surprise" him with a ticket to visit him in California on the same weekend that the gala fell on.  
  
The horrible plane ride to and back from Palo Alto was totally worth it.  
  
But Charlie's been giving him shit for missing it all year, and he knows that he's going to get forced into going this year.   
  
Year one, he had taken Lisa, who's a nurse alongside him in Peds. At the time, they'd been sleeping together for a couple months, but that never led to an actual relationship.  
  
Year two, he had taken Tessa, a doctor in the ICU ward. They had gone as friends, and remained friends following the evening. Doesn't mean that he didn't spend the night waving off comments about them being in a relationship though.  
  
So this year, he's done with the drama. He's going to outright refuse to get lost in the hospital drama and bullshit. His life isn't a fucking episode of Dr. Sexy, for god's sake.   
  
Dean finally gets to the hospital, and gets hit in the face with a blast of warm air as he enters. He's sure his cheeks are flushed red from the breeze outside. It's the leg end of February, and winter is still raging on. He blames the groundhog.  
  
His fingers are fisted in his pockets, though, and he feels them warming up as the rest of his body follows. As he makes his way to the nurse's lounge to change, he starts forgetting all about the gala nonsense. That is, until Lisa sidles up next to him while he's grabbing his pager.  
  
"Morning, Dean. How's it going?" Lisa asks, taking a swig of the water bottle she's holding after she talks. She's already dressed in her scrubs, which are the same shade of faded blue that he's sporting. Her brown locks fall over her shoulders, and she looks pretty alert for someone who probably woke up before sunrise.  
  
"Hey Lisa. It's going good, well as good it can be at seven in the morning," he laughs. Lisa gives a small huff in response as her brown eyes flash to where his fingers are still fumbling with the pager. She then bites her lip for a second, and takes on a look of apprehension when she meets his eyes again.  
  
"So listen, I'm sure you've heard about the gala date being announced. Or well, you'll probably hear about it today if you haven't already. And I know people make a big deal about it for a few weeks before the buzz dies down until it sparks up again in June. Kinda lame, right?" Her expression changes from apprehensive to hopeful, and Dean's left wondering why. Well, he wonders for a couple seconds before his sleep addled brain catches up. Is she hoping that Dean's gonna ask her to the gala?   
  
He chances a glance at her where she's biting her bottom lip again, and he decides that yes, she is hoping for that. And now Dean's at a loss for words. It's not that he doesn't want to go with Lisa; it's just that the idea of going with her leaves his stomach feeling all kinds of wrong, and he'd rather not think about that right now.  
  
"Yeah it is kind of stupid how people talk about it so much. You'd think they'd have something better to do while working in a hospital," he adds, praying that she understands his reluctance. The look in her eyes says she does as she lets out another laugh. It's not like she's going to feel hurt about his "rejection" to her anyways. Lisa's one of the strongest people she's ever met, and only half of it comes from being a single parent. The other half comes from her kind yet no-nonsense attitude, and Dean respects her a hell of a lot for that.  
  
"You're right. People should be focusing on other things besides who's dating who." She makes her way to the door and lingers in the doorway a moment before stepping out. This leaves Dean alone with his thoughts once again, and he lets out a sigh. At least he gets to spend time with kids today. 

\- - -

His patience lasts until lunch, when Dean's riding down in the elevator to get to the cafeteria. The elevator stops on the third floor, and in comes Charlie, with a bright smile on her face. The two of them are the only people on the elevator, which leads to Charlie starting up a conversation with him.  
  
"Hey, you! Haven't seen you in a couple days," she greets, her vibrant hair flipping over her shoulder as she turns to face him. Dean doesn't answer until they're off the elevator, and then they're both heading towards the cafeteria.  
  
"Yeah, I only had eight hours on Sunday, and then I had yesterday off. So, what's up with you?" Dean's hoping that she doesn't mention anything about the gala. He knows she's just waiting for the opportunity to yell at him again for skipping out last year, and she'll probably do her best to make sure he goes this year.   
  
"Things are great, actually. I spent half of yesterday watching Star Trek and rocking my PJ's. You know, since I had the night shift on Sunday night, and then I woke up yesterday around four." They're both quiet again as they grab their lunch.   
  
Dean lucked out for once, since Charlie's not bringing a thing up about the gala. She must be understanding how standoffish he is towards it all. He was with this patient named Jesse in the morning, and he spent time with him before surgery making sure he was well, and then he spent time collecting patient history on another patient. All in all, it kept his mind away from the mess that sat in the back of his mind.  
  
Charlie tosses a crouton in her mouth from her salad, and then continues talking. Well, Dean's always been unlucky anyways.

"Dean, you and I both know that everyone's been bothering each other about the gala. It happens every year, and you, mister, are gonna go even if it kills me. I'll find you the perfect person this time around," she informs, taking another forkful of her caesar salad.   
  
"I know, I know. I promise you I'll go this year, but I can't promise you I'll go with someone." Charlie pouts in response to his answer, but he doesn't give her a chance to answer. "And speaking of dates, this would be a perfect chance to ask Gilda out on a date," he says. Charlie's been talking about asking Gilda, a third year resident, out for months, and this would be a golden chance for her. She can ask her about going on a date first, and if all goes well, they could end up going as a couple to the gala.   
  
Dean's just ready to put all this gala bullshit behind him as soon as possible, but apparently his day is just gonna get worse and worse because then Charlie decides to bring out the big guns.  
  
"Dean, don't change the subject. I've known you for years, and you've never had a serious relationship with anyone really. Sure, there was Lisa, Anna, and even Victor that one time, but come on. There's nothing wrong with sleeping around, but Dean, you've slept your way through half the staff. Don't you think it's time to find someone?" Charlie questions. She doesn't seem to be too happy about grilling him about this, and almost looks a bit uncomfortable, but he knows she's just trying to help.  
  
Her mentioning Anna makes Dean's mind flashback to when Anna had been an intern and Dean had only been part-timing at the hospital. Cas had been in his second year of med school, and Dean found himself sleeping with his sister. Eventually, he and Anna dated for three months before mutually deciding that they were better off as friends. He's glad it didn't end messy, or else things would be awkward whenever Dean hung out with Cas' family.  
  
Charlie's still waiting for an answer, eyebrows raised as she drinks her water.  
  
"It's not that I don't want to commit to someone. It's just that I can't find the right person," he lies. Okay, so yeah most of it's because he doesn't want to commit. He breaks everything he touches, and he's well aware of his inability to let things go. Just take him and his dad for example.  
  
Though once any thought of John Winchester pops into his head, he quickly shoves it away. Wrong place, wrong time.   
  
"Are you sure it's just about the right person? I mean, take a look at you and Cas. Most of the hospital thinks you're together. He seems like a good fit for you, so why don't you try with him?" Charlie prods. She's been saying the same thing since forever, but his reaction's changed over the years. Whereas when Charlie had first mentioned it when his friendship with Cas was still only months old and he'd brushes it off, now his reaction is very different.  
  
As soon as he thinks of him and Cas as a couple, he can feel his heartbeat kick up a few notches. Of course, he's always known that Castiel certainly isn't lacking in his physical appearance; he'd have to be blind not to see that, and maybe not even then. It's just that him and Cas are friends, and there's no way they would ever work. Dean's a disaster just waiting to happen, and Cas is like this whirlwind of lightness and clarity and the two of them together would end in heartbreak on both ends.  
  
"Me and Cas aren't ever gonna be like that. It's just not in the cards for us, okay?" Dean's eyes are pleading, begging for Charlie to drop the subject. She hasn't brought it up in a while, and he's been hoping that she forgot all about it. Obviously, she didn't.  
  
She seems to understand his inner turmoil, however, and so she sighs and leans back in her seat. He considers the conversation over, and goes back to eating before his lunch break can be over. They're both silent for a while, until Charlie stops chewing and cranes her neck to stare somewhere. Dean follows her gaze and finds Gilda standing directly in Charlie's line of sight.  
  
"You know, staring at her isn't gonna get you two any closer to dating. Go talk to her," Dean goads Charlie. She turns to his with an exasperated look, rolling her eyes.   
  
"I can't just talk to her! I have to do it at the right time. We've barely talked to each other, and she'll probably think I'm a freak."  
  
"Hey, you're Charlie freaking Bradbury. You're one of my best friends, and you're one of the coolest people I've ever met. Gilda would be crazy to not want to go out with you," Dean encourages. Charlie seems to have a mental pep talk to herself in her head, and then she's pushing away from the table. Dean suppresses the urge to start cheering as she makes her way to where Gilda is eating her lunch alone.  
  
By the time Dean needs to get back to work, Charlie's walking back over to him with a grin on her face and a new number in her pocket.  

\- - -

Three days.  
  
He lasts three more days. Three days that are spent enduring more talk about the gala, and teasing from residents and nurses alike. Hell, even Sarah Blake, the Department head of Pediatrics, asks him if he'll be taking anyone to the gala.  
  
So it happens on Friday, while he, Benny, and Ruby are all sitting next to each other. They're working on getting some charting done, which is Dean's least favorite part of the job. As nurses, they have to write down medical information for patients for the doctors, and Dean's hand is already cramping. The three of them are sitting in the main desk area of the Peds floor, and it's only two in the afternoon.   
  
He's in the middle of writing the allergies of a patient named Amy down when Ruby decides to bring up the one word he never wants to hear again: gala.  
  
"So, Winchester. Have you decided who to go to the gala with? Since you're so stuck on denying that you and Casanova are together?" Ruby asks. She's tapping her ballpoint pen against her knee, relaxing back in her seat. Benny turns to look at Dean too, making Dean's face heat up.  
  
"For the last time, no. Why should I be concerned about who I'm going to the gala with when it's, I don't know, four goddamn months away?" he practically hisses. He hopes no one heard him say goddamn, since he tries to keep his language as clean as possible on the Peds floor. Never know when kids are gonna pick up something.  
  
"Woah, calm down Dean. We all know you've always been a bit held back when it comes to relationships. Nothing wrong with it," Benny notes, though his voice is teasing. And that is it. That is the last fucking straw of the straw hut or whatever the hell the straws were part of.  
  
Dean gets up and is fully ready to give everyone on the floor a piece of his mind about what he thinks about this hospital drama nonsense. And he's even got his opening remark ready. But that's when the elevators adjacent to the front desk open, and out steps Castiel. He's carrying a couple charts in one hand, and he walks past Dean to set them down on the end of the desk. Cas even waves once he sees Dean there, and that's when everything stops.  
  
It's like Dean's being slammed in the chest. It's like that split second before a rollercoaster tips forward, and then the cart's coasting downhill. It's like a flame being dropped onto a circle of gasoline, and he's on fire. An idea begins sculpting itself in his mind, and it's all he can think about as he stands there, frozen.   
  
When he finally regains the ability to move, Cas is by Dean again, except he's turned and marching towards the door. Dean's feet stagger to get out of the circle behind the desk, and it's like he can physically feel Ruby and Benny's stares on his back.  
  
His fingers latch onto Castiel's white coat, and it prompts Cas to glance at Dean curiously.  
  
Dean turns and starts speaking. "Well, you don't have to worry about me being single any longer, because Cas and me are-" he cuts off and send Cas a pleading look, and he tries to convey what he wants to say in a look. He gets a small nod from Cas, bright blue eyes trained on his face. "We're dating. Have been for months now." He pauses again and fumbles with what to say next.  
  
"Yes, we didn't want anyone to know because we didn't want it to interfere with our work life," Cas adds, grabbing Dean's hand as it falls from Cas' sleeve. The grip on his right hand is loose, but it gets the point across. It's only then that Dean realizes that most of the floor has paused in the activity, and Benny's staring at him with wide eyes.   
  
It's Ruby, however, that breaks the trance. She sits up and laughs triumphantly. "I knew it! And now if you'll excuse me, I have some money to collect." She looks smug as she takes off into the left wing, and motion slowly returns to the room.   
  
Dean's left feeling suddenly horrified, realizing what he just did. Oh fuck. He just lied and said he's been dating his best friend for months. His best friend that he might have wanted to date before. Fuck.   
  
"I'm really happy for you fellas. This happen after you moved to the new place?” Benny questions, grinning at the two of them.   
  
Dean's only able to give a nod before Cas is pulling him down the hallway with the grip he has on Dean's hand.  
  
"If you'll excuse us for a moment," Cas mutters, later coming to a stop in front of a supply closet. Then, Dean's being manhandled into a closet, the lights flickering on with a click.  
  
His heart is still beating wildly in his chest, and it increases in motion once he catches the look in Castiel's eyes. They reflect confusion, though there's a tiny flicker of something in them that Dean doesn't recognize.  
  
"What did we just do, Dean?" Cas rasps helplessly. Oh god. There is no what  _we_  did, it's what  _he_  did. He was the one who opened his mouth in the first place and forced Castiel into a relationship with him. Now Cas is gonna hate him forever, and then he's gonna move out, and then Dean's gonna be left with a big Cas shaped hole in his heart.   
  
All the air in the tiny closet feels too thin, too little, and it's like there's a vice squeezing his chest. The feeling is familiar to him, and he struggles to break free from it.  
  
"Dean? Dean, look at me. Take a deep breath." Cas sounds worried, and that somehow gets to him, so Dean takes a breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. He repeats the process for a couple minutes until his heart rate climbs down again. Cas takes his hands off Dean's shoulder where his thumbs were moving in small circles to comfort Dean.  
  
"Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. I just wanted everyone to stop saying shit, and then you were there, and my dumbass mouth decided to start talking before my brain could catch up and now I just roped you into a fucking relationship with me, so I completely understand if you want to move out and _—_ " Dean's cut off before he can finish.  
  
"Dean, why would you think I would want to move out now? You didn't rope me into anything; I gave you my consent to say what you said, and now we've both dug our own graves, so we might as well lie in them." Cas sounds incredibly calm, a complete contrast from the mess Dean is.   
  
"So wait, you're not mad at me for saying that we were together?"  
  
"In case you didn't notice, I actively went along with the lie, and even added my own insight to it."  
  
"So wait," Dean leans back against the shelf his back is to, before deciding that he'll be better off having this conversation while sitting down. In one motion, he slides to the floor, which is probably all kinds of dirty, but he has more important things to think about right now. "What you're saying is, you think we should just go along with it?"  
  
Cas slumps to the floor smoothly, and stretches his legs out. "Well, it would be mutually beneficial. I don't want to be bothered with questions, and you don't either. And then there's also the fact that most of the hospital staff thinks we're together anyways. If, of course, that's what you want?" And for the first time since they started having this conversation, Cas seems unsure, so Dean rushes to reassure him quickly.  
  
"Yeah, I mean, I didn't really want to go with anyone anyways. At least this way we both get out of it. Maybe we can even scandalize some people in the process," Dean says with a suggestive grin. Castiel rolls his eyes and looks back toward the door.  
  
"So while we're hiding out in here, we might as well cover some ground rules? Like when to act like a couple and when to not?" Cas asks, dropping his eyes back to Dean.  
  
"Well, we could keep up the act while we're around anyone at the hospital, and then just drop it once we're alone. Though that would have to include lying to Anna." Dean's not sure if Castiel is going to be comfortable lying to his sister, and speaking of, does this mean he should lie to Sam too if he's on the other side of the country? Fuck, he really hadn't been thinking when he said they were together.  
  
Luckily, Cas is one step ahead of him, as always. "I suppose we'll have to lie to her. It would also be best to keep up the charade with Gabriel and Sam too, even if they are in California." Oh that's right. Gabe lives in San Francisco, and Dean's only met the guy a handful of times, but knows just how much of a douche Gabe is. Cas loves him though, obviously, but they both have experienced Gabe's cruelty firsthand that summer they visited California. He wants to shudder just thinking about it.  
  
"Yeah, it would be good if everyone just thought we were together till the gala. I can even tell Jo and Bobby, just to cover all the holes." When he and Jo talked to each other last month, she'd grilled him about whether he was dating anyone. And this was the perfect way to get her to stop meddling in his life, too.  
  
"That would be for the best." Cas makes to get up again, and Dean realizes they've been in here for a while, and Cas has lives to save. Dean gets up off the floor too, brushing himself off and opens the door, checking the hall is clear before moving out of the cramped room. He can feel Castiel move behind him, and he turns around.  
  
"Woah, hey Cas, don't you think you should wait a little bit before going back out there? Or else people are gonna think we snuck in here to make out or something."  
  
"Isn't that impression just going to help our case?" Cas says, and huh, he's right. People probably think him and Cas snuck away to celebrate finally letting their secret out. In that case...  
  
Dean reaches a hand up to mess up Cas' hair a little more than it is already, to turn it from messy to debauched, and once Cas rolls his eyes and nods, Dean finally makes contact with Cas' brown locks. He leans down to adjust Cas' shirt a little too, doing the same with himself, and gives Cas two thumbs up when he's done.   
  
After he and Cas make their way back to the main area and part ways at the elevator, Dean feels like familiar dread seeping into his stomach again.  
  
He realizes the one thing he forget to consider was how comfortable Cas is going to feel with PDA. It's not like he's planning on having his way with Cas in front of all their coworkers, but he knows about Cas' sexuality.   
  
It had been late July in his first year of knowing Cas when Cas told him, while they were waiting for the lasagna Dean made to bake in Dean's old, shitty oven. Each of them had been nursing a beer, and Dean somehow got to talking about his old ex's.  
  
He had been in the middle of talking about how he's spent a lot of late nights with people in college and even at the hospital, until he realized Cas had fallen incredibly silent. This led to Dean asking if Cas had had any romps with anyone lately. Cas had set his beer down and fidgeted, until he finally talked and said that no, he was not interested in anyone. This led to a brief explanation on Cas' part about how he wasn't interested in one night stands at all, and has not ever been with anyone that he didn't feel a genuine connection to. He said that he rarely felt sexual attraction, his speech ending in him saying that he wondered if anyone would want to be with someone as messed up as him.  
  
Dean had also put his beer down and told it to Cas straight: there was nothing messed up about not wanting to have sex with anyone, but one day someone would come along that didn't care about it. And if Cas developed a sexual attraction to them, then great, and if he didn't, then great too. His sexuality was his own business, and nobody else's to consider.  
  
Which brings Dean to his present dilemma, about if Cas would be comfortable being in a relationship with him. Well, maybe he can have a conversation with Cas about it tonight or something, so that they can clear everything up. He sighs.  
  
His Friday just got a hell of a lot more complicated.

\- - -

When Castiel gets back to Dr. Custos, he goes back to the surgeon mindset and acts on instincts for the rest of his shift. When his patient starts experiencing chest pain, he orders his patient Digoxin. When Dr. Custos tells him to inform the family of how the patient is doing, he does it. When the patient's wife begins to cry, he comforts her and tells her that they'll give her updates as soon as they can.  
  
It's only when Castiel is changing out of his scrubs and back into his regular clothes that he realizes the weight of what he just agreed to do with Dean, and that's when his thoughts scatter. Of course, it's in his and Dean's best interest to just pretend to be together. At least the hospital staff can stop asking each other "are they or are they not".  
  
Castiel's own feelings will just have to be repressed for the time being. He can't let himself get caught up in the lie, or else he may ending up doing something stupid.  
  
His doubts increase when Anna comes by as he's leaving the hospital. She's beelining for him with a strict expression on her face, and he supposes she's about to give him a piece of her mind about lying to him about Dean. Word must travel quickly.  
  
"Castiel, there you are! I've been looking for you for hours." She stops in front of him and tilts her head. "How could you not tell me, your sister, about your relationship?"   
  
"Dean and I were worried it would cause problems in the hospital. We didn't want the staff to be talking about it, but that's already been happening a lot lately, so we decided to just bite the bullet now."  
  
"Well then how long has this exactly been going on?" Anna asks, and Castiel hopes the expression on his face is not that of a deer in headlights. He and Dean never got around to discussing this, so he tries to think quick on his feet. What would a believable month be?  
  
"It was in the beginning of November," he lies. They told Benny that that was the reason it happened after they moved into a new apartment, and that had been in September.  
  
"November? So this has been going on for that long?" She sounds frustrated, but then she sighs and relents. "Well, it's not any of my business, I suppose, but I guess at least I know now. I'm happy for you guys."   
  
Anna beams at him, and Castiel feels guilty all over again. Here she is, thinking that Cas is finally with the person he's loved for years, but he's not, and he can't help but feel like that's unfair to both of them.   
  
"Thank you, Anna. I'm just gonna head home now though. I'll get around to telling Gabriel sometime this week too." And then he parts without a goodbye, until Anna's yanking him back again.  
  
"Castiel, are you going to be telling mom?" Anna almost whispers. She must know she's treading on light water, since Naomi's been a tricky subject for the two of them for years. Anna and her have kept in contact, but Castiel has mostly saved his conversations with her for holidays only, ever since four years ago.   
  
Just thinking about it gets a feeling of wrong bursting in his chest, and it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. He remembers screaming no's and don't talk to me anytime soon, and it's like he can see the scene play out in his mind.   
  
He remembers the cigarette smoke that had been in the air as they stood in the smoking area of the airport. It was ironic, since he could feel something burning in the air, and it wasn't nicotine.  
  
He tries to shake his head clear of the smoke and anger of that night, and he's successful in pushing it out of his mind. Although he may not be so lucky next time.   
  
"If Naomi calls, then I'll be telling her, and if not, then no," Castiel declares. He hasn't called Naomi his mother in years, and he doubts he ever will again. Anna nods in understanding and heads toward the exit at the same time as Castiel.   
  
All through the subway ride back to the apartment, his mind is occupied with thoughts of his family. His father had passed when Castiel had been two years old, and his mother had married Anna's father by the time Castiel turned five. Anna and Gabriel acted as perfect older siblings to Castiel, well, as perfect as Gabriel can get. And now Castiel, Anna, and Gabriel are twenty-eight, thirty, and thirty-three respectively, and they've all kept close to each other. It was Anna who helped Castiel make connections in New York City following before medical school, and even though Gabe was miles away, they liked to keep in touch.  
  
But he thinks their relationship pales in comparison to Dean's relationship to Sam. Both of the Winchesters are dedicated and loving, which reminds Castiel of his and Dean's made-up relationship. And that's when a buzzing starts flowing through his veins, though he can't place why.  
  
He wonders all the way up to his apartment, where he toes off his shoes. Dean abruptly appears in front of him, drying his hands with a towel.   
  
"Hey, can we talk for a quick second?" Dean doesn't meet his eyes as he speaks and is instead focused on folding the towel neatly.  
  
"Of course we can." He takes a seat on the couch in the living room, and Dean follows, sitting a foot away. "I'm assuming you want to talk about our uh, relationship?"   
  
"Yeah, I just. I don't know; I just keep feeling like I'm forcing you into doing something you don't want to do, and I don't even know if you're fully comfortable with this, considering your uh, sexuality." Dean's looking around the room now, anywhere that's not Castiel's eyes, and Castiel can sense how nervous Dean feels. He wants to reach across and put his hand on Dean's shoulder, but he's not sure that's what Dean needs right now. So instead, he talks.  
  
"My sexual preference does not make it hard for me to fake a relationship, Dean. Faking a romantic relationship with you isn't going to make me run for the hills." Castiel assures.  
  
"Good, because I don't really care if people think we're fucking like bunnies every time we're alone, but I wanted to make sure you were okay with it too."  
  
He's been sexually attracted to Dean ever since he realized how much he desired a romantic relationship with him, and now it's being dangled in front of him like candy in front of a child, and he can't have it.  
  
Castiel chooses to focus on the first part of his sentence. "Oh, you don't care at all?" Castiel says with a suggestive grin, and Dean laughs and finally, _finally_  meets his eyes.   
  
In them, Castiel finds curiosity and hope and so many other emotions he can't discern.   
  
So instead, Castiel spends the rest of the night trying to help Dean cook dinner, until Dean kicks him out of the kitchen. And then he's left staring out his bedroom window, staring at the dizzying movements of the cars below him. He watches until reds and whites blur together, until his eyes feel heavy and then he's lost, dreaming in shades of green, except the color of the grass and the leaves aren't quite the right shade.  
  
Or at least that's what his brain thinks.


	3. Clockwork

The air seems sterile, as always, when Dean steps onto the Pediatrics floor, but something feels different. Maybe it's because he's here earlier than his usual shift, since it's five in the morning, or maybe it's because most of the staff hasn't come in yet. But on this particular Monday morning, something feels off to Dean, and it's making his stomach uneasy.  
  
Of course, it probably has to do with the fact that he hasn't been to work since he blurted out that he and Cas have been secretly dating. The weekend had been spent talking to Sam via Skype on most of Saturday, and then Cas dragged him to a farmer's market yesterday morning. They had to take a subway at nine in the morning just so Cas could get some fresh veggies, and it was fun and all, until one of the middle-aged sales ladies started hitting on him. Then it went straight to awkward and ended in Cas laughing at him the entire way home, the asshole.  
  
And now he's back in his element, though things are still slightly off-kilter. His patient today is a girl named Lilith, who he's heard horror stories about in the past. They're going to be taking her up to surgery sometime this morning, and its Dean's job to be there when she wakes up. But what kid likes to wake up before sunrise on a Monday morning?  
  
He passes by her room, cracking the door open to see her sleeping soundly. She doesn't look as bad as Victor described last week. She won't be able to have anything to eat or drink before surgery, so maybe it's best if she wakes her up as late as he possibly can.   
  
He takes this break to go grab a quick coffee from the coffee cart on the first floor, and he deliberately takes the stairs. Maybe getting his heart pumping a little is just what he needs to shake him out of this morning haze. On the way to the cart, he sees Victor himself standing there, looking a little worse for wear. Victor's clutching a coffee in one hand, with his eyes trained on a chart in his other hand.  
  
He used to think the coffee obsession was just a Castiel thing, but as the days go by, he's finding that maybe it's just a surgical resident thing.  
  
"Hey Vic. I thought you weren't gonna be coming in for another hour?" Dean asks. Victor waits until Dean pays for his coffee and has it in hand before he answers.  
  
"Yeah, I was supposed to come in at six, but I figured I could get some reading done on the surgery before I did it," he looks up with a tired smile. Victor may be a fifth year surgical resident, but he's about to perform an inguinal hernia repair on an eight year old, which may get a little freaky. Victor's also looking to get accepted for a fellowship in Peds after his residency ends, and with how good his track record is, Dean has no doubt in his mind that he's going to get it.  
  
"Well if I had it my way, I'd be coming in at eleven if I could," Dean snorts. He and Victor make their way back towards the elevator, and are silent again until the doors close around the two of them. When Dean looks over at Victor, he sees an expression on his face that tells Dean that Victor is having some sort of internal debate in his head. Dean's about to ask what's up, until Victor speaks up.  
  
"So you and Novak, huh? Can't say I didn't see that coming," Victor says. Dean feels his face heat up, which is totally not cool. The last thing he wants to do is blush in front of Victor Henriksen, who will probably hold this moment against Dean for the rest of his life.   
  
"Yeah, I think most of the hospital saw it coming." That's all Dean offers before they get off the elevator and set off in opposite directions. Victor is probably gonna go check up on other patients, whereas Dean's gonna be waiting on Lilith today. He has a couple other patients, but he has to focus on Lilith for the time being.   
  
It's only been another ten minutes of Dean looking over some patient charts before Dean feels a tap on his shoulder and sees Dr. Blake smiling at him. Oh fuck, not her too.  
  
"Hey Sarah. Something you wanted to discuss?" Dean asks.  
  
"Nothing I wanted to talk about, but I just thought congratulations were in order. Since, you know, you and Castiel finally got over all that unresolved sexual tension," Sarah says, raising her eyebrows at the end. Dean resists the urge to roll his eyes at her and instead stands up out of his chair.  
  
"You know, Dr. Blake, I seem to recall a time that you started hitting on my baby brother when he came to visit a couple years ago, even though he had a girlfriend already. Not to mention, you two have an eight year age gap?"  
  
Sarah throws a hand out to hit against Dean's chest. "Dean, I told you never to talk about that again. How was I supposed to know he was your little brother? He looked tall enough to be older than you!"  
  
"That is true. I just remember poor Sammy's helpless expression when you asked him out for a drink. Oh man, he was barely twenty-one at the time," Dean laughs, throwing his head back a little. Sarah lets out a chuckle too and shrugs her shoulders.  
  
"Can't say I didn't try." She's about to leave Dean, when she walks back and looks him in the eyes, "Though you know, I seem to recall that time you tried hitting on me when you first met me."   
  
"Hey, I was only twenty-four, cut me a break. At least I'm a committed man now." Dean crosses his heart in a display of loyalty.  
  
"That you are. Castiel is lucky to have you, and you're lucky to have him." She finally turns away, her white coat flowing out as she makes down the hallway. Dean isn't quite sure why his stomach starts doing flips because of her words, but it's probably due to the lack of food.  
  
Speaking of food deprivation, he better go check up on Lilith again. 

\- - -

"Lilith, if you don't listen to me, I'll call your parents back in here and tell them you're refusing to listen to me," Dean warns, wishing he could say some much harsher words to the little demon sitting in the bed. He woke Lilith up a couple hours ago, and she's been getting on his nerves ever since. First it was her being hungry, which Dean sympathized with, until she started screaming for him to get her food.  
  
Dean had calmly tried to explain that no, she could not eat anything till after the surgery, and in turn, she accused him of trying to starve her to death. Which led to an explanation of why she couldn't have food before the surgery, and then she deemed Dean too boring and asked for another nurse.  
  
Currently, her parents are downstairs grabbing some breakfast, since there's still an hour left until Lilith's surgery. But now Dean's alone trying to take her blood pressure and run a couple other tests on her before the surgery, but she outright refuses to listen to him. Every time Dean goes to get close to her, she starts kicking her legs and, if Dean's being honest, he's one second away from getting needles to scare her into submission. Though he's not sure needles could faze even this scary of an eight year old.  
  
See, Dean loves his job more than anything, well besides his family. And Dean looks forward to going to work to help a couple sick kids out and care for them. But on the rare occasion that the kids are new arrivals from Hell itself, he wants to run out and not deal with them at all.  
  
Dean's hand is currently holding a blood pressure machine, and he desperately wants to throw it at Lilith, but he's pretty sure he would get fired if he did that. So maybe he needs to channel his inner bad cop a little harder.  
  
"Listen to me, you shouldn't even be putting up this much of a fight with me. You know how the doctors are going to be fixing up your heart? Well they're doing that so that your heart doesn't stroke out on you, and if you keep using all your energy like this," Dean pauses and leans closer to where Lilith is laying, with widening eyes, "Well then, you'll be lucky if you even make it to surgery."   
  
Lilith's reaction is immediate. All attempts at working against Dean are gone, and she even holds out her hand for Dean to take to take her blood pressure on. Score one for Winchester.  
  
A few minutes later, Dean's done with his tests and he's walking out of the room to let Victor know that everything checked out okay. When he's done talking to Victor, who's walking back to the room with Pamela, another surgeon that's also gonna be operating on Lilith, he heads downstairs. Playing mind games against Lilith took away most of his morning, so he's coasting for some brunch before he heads to his next patient.  
  
He almost wants to make a pit stop to the wing of the hospital where the ICU's are, where he hasn't been in a couple months, but he stops himself. It's best if he goes another time.  
  
So instead, he takes his food, which is a container of grapes and two breakfast sandwiches, and heads outside to the courtyard. No one's out there right now, not with how cold it is outside, but Dean thinks that he needs the chilly air to sort a couple things out. He walks straight to what Charlie calls Dean's brooding corner, and takes a seat at the small table there. Next to him is a bench, which should be surrounded by flowers, but it's too early in the year for that.  
  
Dean takes a bite of his sandwich, tasting egg and cheese, and swallowing gratefully. He even pops a grape in his mouth, and thinks that Sam would be proud of him for making an effort to eat healthy.  
  
When he talked to Sam last, he'd been bitching about exams before Spring break, and so Dean lets his mind wander to California. He last went there last summer, and he remembers Sam and Jess' apartment together. Sure, it was cozy, but what more could you expect from two college kids? She and Sam have been together since their Sophomore year of Undergrad, and Dean's just waiting for Sam to tell him that he proposed to her. The kid's about to turn twenty-four in a couple months, and he's never seen two people so committed to each other.   
  
Then on the flip side, you have Dean and Cas. They haven't been in the hospital at the same time since Friday, so Dean can't say that he knows what's it's like to be in a relationship with him yet. When they do have to actually start acting like a couple, Dean doesn't think it'll be too hard. He already thinks Cas is hot, and he's even got brains on his side. Tie that together with Cas' witty personality, and you've got a perfect match for Dean Winchester. Though that doesn't mean that Dean thinks he and Cas are  _actually_  perfect matches for each other. That bullshit only happens in movies and on TV shows.  
  
What he does think is that he and Cas have a great friendship that he doesn't want to ruin with his attraction to Cas coming in the way. Yeah, no thanks, Dean'll just take the fake dating for now.  
  
He knows he's going to spend the rest of his day running back and forth, so he'll take this moment of peace as a blessing of sorts, no matter how many goosebumps are rising on his skin right now, and it's not just because of the cold. 

\- - -

His eyes are drooping as he sits in the office on the first floor. He's been on hold with UNOS for fifteen minutes, and all he can feel his awareness slipping.   
  
Castiel leans back in his seat and attempts to focus. It's currently nearing eleven pm, and Castiel is still at the hospital. He was just supposed to make a quick call about available hearts to UNOS, since his patient's condition was rapidly worsening. But he dialed the phone at nine-thirty. It's been an hour of twiddling his thumbs while he got transferred to various departments.  
  
At this rate, Dean's probably dead asleep. Usually, he and Dean stay up till ten, and then have to head to bed if they want to function the next morning. Luckily, Castiel has a shift starting at eight tomorrow, but he really would like to get home quickly. He once took the subway at midnight, and it was a frightening experience to say the least. New York City isn't exactly the safest place in the world.  
  
A few more minutes tick by as Castiel hypnotically stares at the clock ahead of him, until he hears someone speak up on the other side of the phone.  
  
"Hello, Dr. Novak? Are you still there?" A tinny voice asks.  
  
"Yes, yes I'm here. Did you find out about the heart?"  
  
"Unfortunately, we haven't been able to find an available heart for your patient." Castiel's heart slips, but he finishes off the phone call with the woman.  
  
By the time he is riding in the subway, Castiel still feels downtrodden, since the patient doesn't have many days left. Ava Wilson's heart is not going to last long, and Castiel wishes he could help her more. She was supposed to be getting married next month, and now it's highly unlikely she'll make it past next week.  
  
How easily life changes. How it can completely turn itself on its head and change everything. Castiel's always considered life to be one long series of decisions, that may or may not lead to one's downfall. One moment's choice can have catastrophic ends, which is why he believes in dedicating his life towards helping those that did make the wrong decision. Or those that made the right ones and still had a catastrophic ending. No one deserves an early death.  
  
His thoughts are becoming more dark and somber as he makes the walk to his apartment. The lobby is empty, since the evening receptionist must have gone home already. He climbs up the stairs to the fourth floor where he trudges down the hall to their corner apartment.   
  
The lights flicker on, and Castiel makes a stop at the kitchen, looking for a glass of water and a meal. The dinner he had at the hospital had been subpar at best, so hopefully Dean left him something to eat.  
  
He's walking towards the refrigerator, when he looks toward their counter-top and finds Dean asleep at the high chair. His head is pillowed in his arms on top of the counter, and he's dressed in a hoodie. Castiel spares a moment to quench his thirst with a glass of water, and then he's making his way towards Dean.  
  
A tap to Dean's shoulder does not wake him up, so he decides to instead start shaking Dean awake.  
  
"Dean? Dean, wake up," he says, and he sees Dean stirring in his seat. When Dean lifts his head up, it takes a moment for his green eyes to focus on Castiel's, and so Dean rubs a knuckle into his eyes. Dean also tries to turn his neck and winces once he does. His neck must have frozen itself stiff with the way Dean was sleeping.  
  
"Sorry. I was waiting up for you." Dean glances back towards the clock. "I thought you said you were going to come home around ten," Dean accuses. The green numbers on top of the oven blink out "12:08" at them, reminding Castiel of how late it is. He takes a seat in the bar stool next to Dean and leans his elbows on the counter.  
  
"I know. I was on the phone with UNOS for over an hour, and I'm about two seconds away from passing out."  
  
"Well, why don't we get you to bed then?" Dean steps off his stool, wobbling a little when his feet make contact with the cold tiles, and he holds an arm out toward Castiel. Before Castiel can take Dean's hand, a rumbling noise fills the air, and it comes from Castiel's stomach. "Unless you want to eat something first?" Dean smirks before going to the refrigerator.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"I," Dean says, grabbing a few items out of the fridge, "am making you a grilled cheese sandwich."  
  
"Don't you have to be up for work tomorrow?" Castiel questions.  
  
"I got a shift at seven, yeah, but I already got an hour or two of sleep in while waiting up for you. And you deserve to have something in your system besides that awful cafeteria food."  
  
"I suppose so. Would you like some help?"   
  
Dean looks up from where he was grabbing the grill from the oven. "I may trust you to cut open a body, but I don't trust you to not set fire to the kitchen while you're half asleep. You just sit there and look pretty, and the grilled cheese will be done before you know it."  
  
"Grilled cheese? As in singular? What, you're going to skimp out on a person who spent all day saving lives?" Castiel adds dramatically.  
  
"I'll make two if you want me to. As long as you promise to let me have half of one." At Castiel's nod of agreement, Dean holds up a hand to his chest. "A man after my own heart," Dean jokes, while turning back to getting the burgers made.   
  
As Castiel watches Dean move around in the kitchen, he gets lost in the movement of Dean's hands as he crafts grilled cheese with a slice of tomato inside.  
  
The next forty minutes pass by with laughs, teasing, and stories about their days. When Castiel falls asleep this time, it's with a smile on his face.

\- - - 

On Saturday morning, Castiel gets sent out to get a heart from a hospital not too far away. He takes a helicopter to retrieve it, and Dr. Barnes comes alongside him. As they go through the process of transplanting the heart, Castiel is once again reminded of his love of cardiothoracics.  
  
When they were talking specialties in med school, his heart had been geared toward the heart and lungs. The way they function to keep a person alive, the way one structure failing can end in instant death has always intrigued Castiel. Not that he's too much of a morbid person, but he believes the heart especially is a unique organ that deserves to be repaired over and over again. He's not sure he can say the same about most things in his life.  
  
He walks out of the operating room feeling accomplished, while following Dr. Barnes out to Ava Wilson's family to tell them how the surgery went. Her fiancé almost breaks down when they deliver the news that the surgery went well, but they'll have to see how Ava feels when she wakes up.  
  
"You did good, Castiel. I think you and me deserve a couple drinks after that, huh?" Pamela says.  
  
"I would love to get drinks, but I already have plans for the evening with a couple others."  
  
"I'm gonna guess that Dean's part of them?" Pamela questions with a grin. Castiel blushes a deep shade of crimson, and apparently that's answer enough for her. "Maybe next time then." She walks away from him.  
  
It's only been a little over a week since their faux relationship, and Dean has been taking it in stride. Castiel, on the other hand, has found it a little difficult to handle. Of course, the extra touches Dean gives to him when they're in front of other have been nothing but comforting, but at the same time, Castiel has never really been in too serious of a relationship for him to compare this to others.  
  
There was Meg in high school, and he had dated her and even slept with her, back when he didn't really understand his sexuality. He'd thought he was broken for the longest time, so when he ended up with Meg, who he'd known for years, he assumed his body was just waiting for the right person.  
  
All illusions of that were shattered once he and Meg departed for different colleges and agreed to only remain friends. He found in college that he didn't find anyone he was sexually attracted to, but that didn't stop him from trying to go out on dates. He just found that his dates asked something of him that he just wasn't able to give, so he gave up on dating altogether.   
  
Then came along Balthazar in junior year of undergrad. They were only friends at first, but when Castiel's step-father passed away during spring break, Balthazar had stayed with him through it all. One day, he found himself wanting to be with Balthazar in more ways than strictly platonic. That relationship had only lasted a couple months though, before Castiel could completely fall in love with him. He found that the two of them were too different to stay together, but they still kept in touch even today. The last time they talked had been a week before Christmas. He even kept in touch with Meg, though they haven't talked since last summer. The last he heard, she was a nurse in Chicago.  
  
Dean walks into the hallway where Castiel is standing, suddenly, and starts making his way toward Castiel. Huh, maybe Castiel has a type.  
  
"Hey, Cas. How'd your transplant go?"  
  
"It went very well. There were a couple complications, but it all worked out in the end," Castiel responds with a smile. Dean's face lights up to mirror Castiel's own, and there's suddenly a spark of something starting in Castiel's chest again.   
  
"I'm proud of you; I told you that you didn't need to worry about anything." Dean steps a little closer to him. "You're like the little surgeon that could."  
  
Castiel opens his mouth to answer, but a throat clearing stops him from answering. What is it with people interrupting his and Dean's conversations?  
  
"Novak and Winchester! Just the two boys I was looking for. Can I have a word with you two for a moment, if it's not too much?" Crowley grates out in a drawl. Crowley is the Chief of Surgery in the hospital, along with being the head of the Plastics department. He doesn't look happy, but he doesn't look angry either. Nonetheless, the color drains from Castiel's face. What if Crowley has a problem with the two of them dating, no matter if they're superiors or not?  
  
Dean seems to be having the same thoughts float through his head, and Castiel nods only slightly at Crowley to continue speaking.  
  
"I don't have a problem with hospital relationships that aren't among superiors and submissives. Therefore, considering you're a nurse," he looks at Dean, "and you're a resident," he looks at Castiel, "you should find that I have no problem with how friendly you two get with each other. What I do have a problem with, however, is with your work relationship causing a problem if you two were to be assigned the same patient." Crowley waits for one of them to speak.   
  
"So what you're saying is that we can never be working with the same patient?" Dean asks first.  
  
"I'm saying that I would allow it as long as your personal affairs do not compromise the care of the patient. This hospital is like a well-oiled machine. Only I supply it with the tools it needs to keep working. And even though I don't have much control over you, Winchester, I do have afflictions with the hospital board. We wouldn't want either of you getting dismissed for poor work ethic, now would we?"  
  
"So you're giving a warning to us," Castiel manages to grit out.  
  
"Not a warning. More like a friendly heads up. And while we're talking about the board, know that they will be reviewing the hospital come spring. And they'll probably be giving more information about that godawful gala they make us have every year." Crowley looks up at the ceiling and rolls his eyes. "Well, whatever gentlemen. As you were." And then Crowley is walking away from them, humming a tune.  
  
"Well that was awkward. Who do you think told him about us?" Dean asks Castiel. Castiel shrugs his shoulders in reply.  
  
"Beats me. Though Anna was telling me yesterday that we were steadily on our way to becoming the hospital's "it" couple."  
  
"We aren't the "it" couple yet? We better work on our PDA," Dean decides with a smirk. Castiel just huffs at him. They both turn to make their way toward the staff corridor.   
  
Along the way, they pass Anna, and Castiel only reddens slightly when Anna comes by and sends a grin his way.  
  
When they're about to part ways, heading in opposite directions to get changed before going home, Castiel runs into Hannah. Hannah is another resident in his year and is one of the few friends of Castiel. He finds that she's the younger sister he never had, even though she's only younger by months.   
  
Dean hesitates slightly as he goes to wrap his hand around Castiel's waist, and Castiel internally rolls his eyes, using his own hand to fix Dean's to his waist.   
  
"Castiel, what are you doing here? I didn't think you would be here this late," Hannah says. Then she eyes the way Dean's hand is curled around Castiel's waist, and her mouth lifts into a small smile. "Hello to you too, Dean. I'm happy to see that your relationship isn't in the ruins since becoming public."  
  
"Yes, it was strange to be able to act like a couple in public at first, but I think we're getting the hang of it. And also, yes, I was supposed to go home an hour earlier, but the surgery I performed took longer than expected." Castiel feels the hand around his waist press in closer, almost possessively when Hannah looks him up and down. This causes a spiral of warmth to ripple throughout Castiel's side, and he bites his lip to stop himself from leaning into Dean's side too much. He doesn't want to overdo it and make Dean uncomfortable.  
  
"Well, you look like you could use some sleep," she laughs, already turning away from them. "Get home safe, Castiel."  
  
Castiel shouts a goodbye after her, and then suddenly Dean's arm is leaving his waist, taking the warmth that had been coursing through his core along with it.   
  
"Meet you back here in five minutes," Dean mumbles before departing. It leaves him doubting and afraid. Maybe he did react to Dean too much and now Dean's not comfortable with him.   
  
Doubts keep clouding his mind as he changes out of his scrubs and back into his regular clothing. He's wearing a white shirt with dress pants today, though he forgoed the tie this morning, and he put on his trench coat on top of it.  
  
Castiel meets Dean in the hallway, where Dean's tapping away on his phone, but then Dean's looking up and smiling at him, and Castiel thinks maybe, just maybe he hasn't messed this up before it got a chance to actually begin.   
  
The two of them walk together to a nearby bar to meet Charlie for drinks. When Castiel had last seen her, she's almost chewed him off for not telling him about his relationship with Dean. After she cooled down, she sincerely told him that she was happy for them, and Castiel felt badly that he was lying to her.  
  
That's what he and Dean were doing. Lying to all of their friends and family, just to get them to stop with stories and questions. Dean had told Castiel yesterday that this way, at least Sam would stop worrying about Dean never finding anyone, even if it was only temporary relief. After all, they were planning on staging a grand break up the week after the gala. So what if they lied for a few months? It was doing more good than harm anyways.  
  
Charlie is seated in a corner booth and is looking down at her phone. She immediately perks up when she hears them sit down across from her, and she almost looks exasperated.  
  
"There you guys are. I've been waiting here for almost an hour."  
  
"Well you can blame this guy," Dean says, arching a finger in Castiel's direction.  
  
"I was actually saving a life, so I think I can be forgiven for my tardiness," Castiel says, and Charlie relaxes a little.  
  
"It's okay, Cas. I was actually taking the time to text Gilda," Charlie says with a grin. He heard all out Charlie's date with Gilda, and how well it went last weekend. According to Dean, the two of them haven't been able to stop texting each other all week.  
  
The smile on Charlie's face reminds Castiel of the way she looked the first time they met. He had several stories about Charlie told to him by Dean, but they had met while Dean had gotten spectacularly drunk one day, and they had both had to drag Dean home from a bar. Now, the three of them, and Benny on occasion, had been hanging out ever since.  
  
When the waitress comes by their table, Dean orders a round of beers for all of them, since Charlie was already finished hers, and he also orders a burger for him and Cas. Charlie opts to just get a basket of fries, and Dean looks to her in confusion.  
  
"Only eating fries for dinner, little Red? Should I be worried?" Dean asks Charlie.  
  
"No, it's just that I may or may not have said yes to meeting Gilda for dinner in an hour," Charlie sheepishly admits.  
  
Dean scoffs. "Me, you, and Cas finally get together for the first time in forever, and you're already set to leave soon?"  
  
"Well, I accepted her offer before you guys came! I thought you two weren't showing up anymore!"  
  
Castiel puts a hand on Dean's wrist to stop him from arguing more with Charlie. "It's fine. We see each other at the hospital all the time anyways." Dean mutters something under his breath that Castiel doesn't quite catch, but Castiel rubs circles into the back of Dean's wrist from where his fingers are wrapped around it, and he think Dean calms down a little.  
  
"That is true. And at least this way, I don't end up feeling too much like a third wheel." She adds with a grin, glancing back and forth between Castiel and Dean.   
  
Dean chooses that particular moment to press into Castiel's side more, and then Castiel feels a foot nudge against his. At first, Castiel holds his breath, but he's left feeling happy and disappointed at the same time when all Dean does is press their feet together.   
  
Castiel barely listens to what Dean and Charlie say to each other next, and he checks back into the conversation once their beer arrives, quickly followed by their food. By the end of the hour, Castiel has a light buzz flowing through him, and he's laughing at all of Charlie and Dean's jokes. He's always been a lightweight.  
  
After Charlie makes an exit, Dean turns to him and laughs once he looks at Castiel.  
  
"Look at you. Two beers and you're out of it," Dean jokes.  
  
Castiel feels himself glare. "I'm fine, Dean. I could perform a full," he hiccups, "angioplasty and still be fine right now."   
  
"Sure you can. Let's get you home, huh?" And then Dean's motioning to the server to bring their bill, and Castiel is too busy counting the freckles on Dean's face in the dim light to focus more on anything else. He sighs morosely.  
  
It's going to be a long four months.


	4. Envelopes

It's midnight, and he's pacing across the room.  
  
He's walking back and forth, trying to make a decision on how to do this best, but he can't make up his mind. See, Dean wanted to spend the night before his day off doing normal things, like watching TV in his pajamas while eating the bag of gummy bears he bought the other day. But no, instead he's trying to decide how to tell Sam he's in a relationship with Cas, even though said relationship isn't even a relationship.  
  
It's not that Sam doesn't know about his bisexuality, since he accidently came out to Sam in high school when Sam came home earlier than expected. Which meant that Sam had been completely oblivious to Dean nailing his very male classmate in Dean's bedroom when Sam came in there to borrow the laptop (they only had one in the house at the time). Basically, Dean scarred poor thirteen year old Sammy, but Sam didn't mind much, once he got over the mental scarring.  
  
And now it was more than ten years later, and Dean's about to tell Sam about his relationship, and he can't quite understand why he cares this much. Sure, Sam's opinion matters more than anyone else's when it comes to Dean's life decisions, but revealing a fake relationship should be a piece of cake. Except it's not and Dean doesn't understand why.  
  
Cas is already fast asleep in the room next to his, and Cas has to wake up at six in the morning, so waking him up this late is out of question. So now Dean has to be a man about this and just do it before he loses his nerve.  
  
Dean looks to the clock before sitting down on his bed, laptop in hand. It should be a few minutes after nine in California right now, so Sam must be awake.  
  
The laptop whirrs to life, and Dean goes to check his Skype. His mouse hovers over the icon, and he mentally crosses his fingers before clicking on it. Dean was thinking about doing this over the phone, but he wanted to see Sam's reaction in person, and besides, he likes seeing the kid's face every once in a while.  
  
His eyes wander to Sam's username, and once Dean sees the green light that tells him Sam is online, his heart starts tapping out a harsh rhythm. It's now or never.  
  
He's still holding his breath while the call to Sam goes through, and then there's Sam looking at him through the screen, one arm wrapped around Jess. Great. Dean gets to tell the two of them at the same time.  
  
"Hey Dean!" Sam says, Jess parroting him a second later. Dean takes a second to take in Sam's appearance, and then he's suddenly aware of how disheveled Sam looks, his hair a mess, like someone had been running his fingers through it. He then becomes aware of how Jess looks the same way, a tired smile on her face, and that just tells him everything he needs to know.  
  
"Hey Sam, Jess. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to go talking to people right after sex? Ruins the afterglow," Dean says with a smirk. Sam's face reddens while Jess just laughs at Sam's embarrassed expression.  
  
"Oh, don't mind him. He was just trying to submit his assignment before he forgot," Jess quips, tossing her hair over her shoulder. However, this reveals a particularly large hickey on her collarbone, and now Jess starts blushing.  
  
"Wow, it's been what, five years? And you two are still stuck in the honeymoon phase?" Dean laughs. At this, Sam rolls his eyes.  
  
"Whatever you say, Dean. There a reason you called this late?"  
  
Dean's nerves abruptly make a reappearance, and he can feel his palms getting sweaty all over again. He bites his lip before answering.  
  
"Yeah uh, yeah. I wanted to tell you about a recent, um, development in my life," Dean stutters out.   
  
"Oh?" Jess says, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah, you see," Dean pauses before taking another deep breath, "I've kinda been in a relationship with Cas since November."  
  
To Dean's surprise, neither Sam nor Jess look fazed at all. What the hell? Sure, Cas has met Sam and Jess many times in person, but he still wasn't sure they'd be okay with this.  
  
"Look, Dean, we kinda already knew?" Sam hesitantly says, and wait, what?  
  
"Who the fuck told you?"  
  
"I may have been talking to Charlie on the phone last week, and she accidentally told me that you guys were together. In her defense, she thought I already told you, considering you're my brother and all." And yeah, Sam's words are a little bitter, since if Sam had been secretly dating someone for over five months, he would have liked to know before others.  
  
"I was getting around to telling you! We didn't tell anyone about this until like two or three weeks ago!" Dean defends. He realizes that he spoke too loudly too late, and he's hoping Cas didn't wake up. However, then he hears a little fumbling in the room behind him, and he prays Cas doesn't come in his room to check on him. Good thing Dean had the decency to put on headphones, so Cas won't hear Sam's next words.  
  
"What kind of an idiot are you, Dean? Yeah, I get it that people at the hospital might judge you two or whatever since you work together, but in case you didn't know, me and Jess are in California. You didn't have to keep anything from us," Sam huffs. Guilt settles deep into the pit of Dean's stomach, and he's too focused on trying to make it go away that he doesn't realize that Cas is knocking on the door.  
  
"Dean? You okay in there?" Cas asks, his voice muffled.   
  
Crap. Dean's voice must have woken him up, but now he's unsure how to reply. If he tells Cas to leave, then it won't really matter. But then again, if he tells Cas to come in, then Sam might stop his rant to Dean. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.  
  
He opens his mouth to tell Cas to come in, but then he realizes that Sam can see Dean in the bed, and then fuck, Sam might wonder why Cas isn't sleeping in Dean's bed if they're dating and that's a whole other can of worms. He better let Cas know the situation before he comes in.   
  
"Yeah, Cas. I'm just talking to Sam here." He hopes Cas takes that as a signal to come inside and is thankful when he does. Cas looks sleep-ruffled, and he comes around the bed to take a seat on Dean's right. Dean unplugs his headphones from the computer so Cas can talk too.  
  
"Hey, Cas!" Sam and Jess both say at the same time.  
  
"Hello to you guys too. I'm assuming Dean filled you in on our uh, relationship?" Cas asks, looking to Dean for a quick second.   
  
"Actually, it was Charlie who let us know. Since Dean decided he wanted to keep things from me." And whoa, Dean does not want any part in this conversation anymore. He feels around on his nightstand for his bag of gummy bears and tears into it. Nothing like a chewy snack to keep him from having to talk.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sam. We didn't intend to hurt anyone when we decided to keep our relationship a secret," Cas says sincerely. Wow, Cas is a lot better at lying than Dean thought he would be. He's gotten better over the years, actually. Dean still remembers the time they tried to plan a surprise party for Charlie three years ago, and Cas could barely keep from blurting it out every time they hung out with her.  
  
"I know, Cas. You guys have your reasons, and I respect that. I just wished me and Jess could have heard from you guys first and not Charlie."  
  
"Dean and I-" Cas pauses, looking to where Dean's busy trying to break down four gummy bears in his mouth all at once. Cas sighs and restarts. "Dean and I will try to do our best to inform you better in the future. I'm sure I speak for myself and Mr. Haribo here when I say that."   
  
Jess laughs and leans toward the screen. "It's nice to see that monogamy hasn't changed you one bit Dean."   
  
"Yeah, yeah I like gummy bears, so what? It's better than those organic salads you two eat."  
  
"Dean, all salads are organic. That's kinda the whole point," Sam says, rolling his eyes. The rest of the conversation passes normally, with jokes on both ends of the screen. Eventually though, Cas starts drooping and ends up leaning his cheek on Dean's shoulder, and at first, Dean doesn't know how to react. He should probably act like this is normal so that Sam and Jess don't get suspicious. And plus, the warmth that Cas brings by curling into his side makes the cold room a little more bearable.   
  
After they finish talking and say their goodbyes, Dean shuts the laptop lid with a distant click, which makes Cas spring up off his shoulder as if he's been burned.  
  
"Sorry for falling asleep on your shoulder, Dean. I better get back to my room." And then Cas is jerking out of the bed, stepping out of the room, and turning right instead of going left.  
  
"Cas, buddy? Your room's in the other direction."  
  
Cas clomps back down the hallway and peers his head into Dean's doorway.  
  
"I knew that, smartass. I was going to the bathroom."   
  
"Oh. Then 'night, Cas."  
  
"Goodnight, Dean." Cas closes the door to his room, and Dean lifts his laptop and puts it into the nightstand. As he's climbing under the covers, he realizes he doesn't feel as warm as he did only a moment ago.  

\- - -

A couple days later, Dean's sitting on the subway to get to work, when his phone decides to buzz. It's lit up with a message from Jo, and it's basically her yelling at him for not telling her about him and Cas. Fuck, right. He forgot to tell everyone in Kansas about his so-called relationship, and now Ellen's gonna be on his case the next time he sees her.   
  
He fires back an apology to Jo, and she responds saying that she'll be calling him later on. Wait a second. It's six in the morning for him here, so it must be five in Kansas. What kinda classes is Jo taking that makes her to wake up at the asscrack of dawn?   
  
He remembers the last time he visited Kansas, which had been last summer. Huh, he really needs to get a trip in there sometime. He misses Bobby, Ellen, and Jo, but he also misses his Baby like hell. The worst part about moving halfway across the country had been leaving his car behind. The city was no place for a beauty like her, but some days he itches to get behind her wheel and just drive for hours.  
  
Well, maybe that'll happen again one day, but for now, he's got patients to see.  
  
His morning is a blur of going from room to room and doing quick check-ups. It's when he sees the next patient file that he stops and smiles.   
  
Kevin Tran. Congestive heart failure. He's a seventeen year old boy that he saw last year, since he came in for a pacemaker. Obviously, he's not happy to see him here since that must mean he's gotten sicker, but it could also mean that he's been called in to finally get that heart transplant. Only one way to find out.  
  
He enters the open door of the room, and he sees Linda Tran standing there on her phone while Kevin looks up boredly at the TV in the room.  
  
"Hey, Kevin. How's it going?"  
  
"Dean!" Kevin's face lights up with a smile and Linda looks up from texting.  
  
"Oh thank god, Dean. Finally, someone we know. People have been going back and forth in here all day, and they wouldn't answer any of my questions," Linda states, looking annoyed. She's dressed in a navy blue pantsuit, seated in a chair beside Kevin's bed. And she looks annoyed on the outside, but she must be freaking out if her son was going to get heart surgery soon.   
  
"You guys are here for a transplant, right?" Dean asks.  
  
"Yeah, a call came in last night that they found a heart, and we came in. Kevin hasn't been doing too well lately. He's been having problems in school." Linda's composure breaks and finally the concern shows on her face. "And not just problems focusing, but he's been getting dizzy and weak in class. I can't tell you how happy I was to hear that an eligible heart was found for him."  
  
"Well don't worry, Mrs. Tran. Oh sorry, Ms. Tran."  
  
"Please, Dean. Just call me Linda. Now check what you gotta check with Kevin, and then get ready to answer my questions."  
  
Dean walks over to Kevin, and now that he's closer, he can definitely see the paleness that has fallen over Kevin's skin. His cheeks look sunken in, and he looks too tired for a teenage boy. After Dean checks his vitals, and takes down a couple notes, he looks back up at Mrs. Tran.   
  
"Alright, hit me with the questions," Dean says. Her questions are mostly along the lines of how long is it going to take for Kevin to recover? Should she be changing his diet afterwards? How long is it going to take for Kevin to go back to school?  
  
By the time Dean's explained the recovery process to her, she looks less agitated and the worry lines on her face melt away a little. See, that's one of the best parts of the job. Sure, he may not be the one stitching people back together, but reassuring people is something he can do, and at least he feels a little useful this way.  
  
His father always told him that nursing was a stupid career. It wasn't manly. He said it was meant for people that weren't good enough to be doctors. That's why Dean decided that he wanted to go somewhere else, somewhere where he wouldn't hear his father give him shit after getting home from work. So as soon as Sam left for Stanford and Dean finished undergrad, he got the hell out of dodge and parked himself in New York City.  
  
The only person he knew in the city was Jody, one of Bobby and Ellen's old friends, and she was working as a nurse at the hospital. She's the one who got him a job working here, and he's thankful that he met her, or else he might be god knows where.  
  
Thinking about his father brings up all that guilt again, and Dean's mind flashes back to that bill from the hospital. He ought to go visit again sometime. Not like it was ever gonna make a difference.  
  
He doesn't realize he's been standing next to Kevin in the bed until Linda Tran is literally waving a hand in his face and calling his name.  
  
"Sorry, I was just thinking about something. I'll come check back once I have more information about the surgery." Dean turns to go and clear his head, except he doesn't look where he's going and almost runs right into Castiel, who's being trailed by Dr. Barnes and Dr. Blake.  
  
Castiel gives Dean a curious glance as he passes Dean by and presents Kevin's case to Dr. Barnes and Dr. Blake. Dean waits outside the door for him to be done. He thought Crowley said that he would make sure they didn't work with the same patient? Then again, maybe Dean's been told to go check on Kevin because he had him before last year.  
  
A couple minutes pass, until Castiel exits the room with Dr. Blake, since Dr. Barnes must be inside still.  
  
"Meet me back here in an hour, Castiel, to take Kevin down to surgery," Sarah informs, leaving the two of them a grin on her face. Castiel looks to Dean now, his blue eyes a little clouded over in exhaustion.  
  
"I thought Crowley said we weren't to get the same patient?" Cas questions.  
  
"I thought the same thing, but I realized I must only have Kevin as my patient because I had him last year when he came for a pacemaker. It's whatever now, though."  
  
"I see. I know that Dr. Barnes will be going to secure the heart, while Dr. Blake and I take him down to get him ready for surgery. It's my second heart transplant in the past month, and I'm looking forward to it."  
  
"That's awesome, man. You're gonna rock it." Dean punctuates his statement by holding two thumbs up.  
  
"Nice to see that I have your support, Dean. You wanna join me for lunch?"  
  
"Yeah, sure. Lemme just go put this chart back." Dean takes his chart and heads toward the front desk to place it back there. Maybe it'll even be warm enough to sit outside for lunch today.

\- - -

His fingers tap against his tray as Castiel chews his sandwich. The air around them is chilly, but the sun's beginning to peak through the clouds little by little as time passes by. 

"You know, this cafeteria food isn't half bad," Dean says, taking a bite of his own sandwich. The only reason they're outside and not enjoying the heated air of the cafeteria is because Dean wanted to sit outdoors. And well, it's never really been in Castiel's nature to refuse Dean. 

"I think it's just because we're used to it by now. I remember eating a cheese sandwich for lunch my first week and thinking that I was gonna be toughing _—_ “ The beeping of Castiel’s pager interrupts him, and his hands fly to it.

It’s a 911 for Kevin Tran’s room.

Castiel's hastily shoving his pager back into his pocket when he reaches the doorway. Dean’s right behind him, but he steps aside as Castiel runs straight to take over chest compressions from another staff member. He laces his fingers together on the center of Kevin's breast bone and starts pushing hard and fast.   
  
Dr. Blake appears behind him and he can hear her shouting to charge the shock paddles to two hundred.  
  
"Clear!" Dr. Blake announces once Castiel takes his hands off Kevin's body.   
  
She goes and shocks his chest, but the heart monitor still shows no regular rhythm. Come on, Castiel thinks. You're almost there, Kevin. You just have to hold out for another hour and then you'll be good as new.   
  
Dr. Barnes moves and says to charge the paddles to three hundred and miraculously, Kevin's heart kicks in again and they all hear the steady _thump thump thump_ of the heart monitor. The static in Castiel's brain calms down and he lets out a breath.   
  
Around him, Dr. Blake moves to put the paddles back and says she'll call Dr. Barnes to see how intercepting the heart is going. Castiel turns around to see that most of the other nurses have left the room, save for Dean, who's talking to Kevin's mother. Dean seems to be reassuring her, and Castiel's heart leaps in his chest. He never really gets to see the warm side of Dean anymore, since they rarely cross paths in the hospital. To see such a sight causes another burst of affection to rise in his heart, and he knows, he knows that it will be a dark day the day Dean Winchester leaves his life.

\- - -

"Dr. Novak, would you like to open the pericardium?" Dr. Blake stands next to him in surgery. Kevin Tran is under anesthesia and they've just exposed his chest cavity. Castiel nods in assent and moves to take over under Dr. Blake's watchful eyes.   
  
Before surgery, Dean had squeezed his hand and wished him luck, saying that he would be waiting to hear how it went when he got home. The surgery was expected to take around six hours, so Castiel would be staying here till the evening.   
  
Throughout the surgery, Castiel observes while being occasionally allowed to perform some steps by himself. Near the end of the surgery, Dr. Barnes tells him to go and inform update Kevin's mother on how the surgery is going. He leaves the operating room and heads down to where she's waiting on a chair, hands clasped together. She looks up at Castiel when she sees him approaching.  
  
"Mrs. Tran? We're just about finished with transposing the heart into Kevin's chest, and we should be closing up soon," Castiel assures.  
  
Mrs. Tran closes her eyes and mouths a thank god. Then she's standing up and thanking Castiel, and he leaves feeling content with himself. He's rescrubbing when he starts thinking about how much he loves cardiothorasics again. Today just proved that if he feels whole at any moment, it's when he's holding a heart in his hands to place back into a body. The fragility of the action reminds him of how far they've come in medicine.  
  
They've gone from simple medicine into mapping hearts and making three-dimensional models of them. New advancements in medicine occur all the time, and Castiel wants to be there to see them.  
  
When he gets home and sees Dean, he's reminded of the other thing that makes him feel whole. It's Dean's tired smile when he sees Castiel. It's his freckles in the sunlight, and the look in his eyes he gets when he's passionate about something. Castiel has to swallow to halt the thoughts that threaten to engulf him and make him say something he'll regret later.  
  
"How'd the surgery go?"  
  
"It went well. I saw Kevin off to the ICU, and I'll be checking on him as soon as I go in tomorrow," Castiel replies. Dean leaps across the gap of space that separates the two of them and crushes Castiel to his chest for a quick second. He pulls away by the time Castiel's brain catches up with what's happening, and is grinning from eye to eye.  
  
"Sorry, I just. You're kinda amazing, you know that?" I could say the same thing about you, Castiel almost says, but instead he looks down at his feet.   
  
"At this point, I'm just assisting the other surgeons, but maybe one day I'll be worthy of your praise."  
  
"Oh, shut up, Cas," Dean says good-naturedly, laughing at the end. "Alright, you game for some chicken alfredo and Star Wars?"   
  
"Sure, as long as you let me pick the episode."   
  
Dean groans. "Yeah, yeah. Just don't pick-"  
  
"I know, Dean. I've been your friend long enough to know which ones you like and which ones you don't." Castiel has been exposed to the Star Wars movies back when they'd first met. Once Dean learned that Castiel had never seen any of them, he took it upon himself to educate him thoroughly.   
  
Dean was also the one who showed him most of popular movies that Castiel had never gotten a chance to see, and now he has a pretty good background in most things. He'll never be as in synch as Dean and Charlie though when it comes to pop culture. Those two have done everything from visiting old comic stores to going LARPing together.   
  
Dean sets out to go make dinner, and Castiel goes back to his room to change his clothes.  
The air isn't as chilly as it's been for the past month, since spring is coming up the in a couple days. He opts to change into an old graphic tee he bought back in college, which once used to say "Save the bees!" but now the words have faded beyond recognition. After throwing on gray sweats, he meets Dean in the kitchen, where Dean is singing in an off-key voice.  
  
"Are you singing a Taylor Swift song?" Dean startles at his words and almost drops the pot he was carrying.   
  
"Jesus, Cas. How many times have I told you to warn a guy before you sneak up on him?"  
  
"You're missing the point, Dean. I recall you telling me many years ago that you wouldn't be caught dead singing a pop song."  
  
"It's catchy, alright?" Dean puts the pot on the stove and starts to boil the pasta in some water. Castiel hums in response and observes as Dean moves around the kitchen gracefully, like he knows exactly what he's doing. It's probably because he does, since he grew up making meals for Sam.  
  
While Dean cooks, Castiel sits on the bar stool and his fingers come across where Dean has stacked last month's mail.  
  
"We really need to get a filing cabinet for this," he mumbles, mostly to himself. He's making his way through the envelopes when he comes across one that belongs to the hospital. It's addressed to Dean, but he can't help but notice the high number that stares out at him.  
  
Castiel falls silent and chews on his lip, wondering how to bring this up to Dean. The accident had been in early December of two years previous, meaning a year and almost four months ago. He had called Sam to talk about the way Dean's been handling it last month, and Sam told him to try to talk Dean out of what he's been doing.  
  
"It's just not healthy anymore, Cas," Sam had said in a frustrated voice.  
  
"I know it's not. That doesn't mean that Dean understands that it's time to let go," Castiel had sighed.  
  
"Yeah, Dean's known to be a stubborn asshole, especially when it involves his family."  
  
Castiel sighed again. "I'll try talking to him about it again. I can't promise he's going to listen to me, though."  
  
"It's okay, Cas. I'm glad he has you." And that had been that, expect Castiel had never found the right time to bring it up. Except maybe he could talk about it now.   
  
Castiel clears his throat, which draws Dean's attention back to him from where he had been cutting the chicken into tiny pieces.   
  
"Dean? Can we talk about this for a minute?” Castiel waves the envelope in his left hand, and Dean's expression hardens as he sees it. This topic usually leads to lots of arguing and yelling, but Castiel doesn't want that today. He wants Dean to listen to what he has to stay instead of shutting him down. He's earned that right as Dean's best friend.  
  
"There's nothing to talk about, Cas. I know what I'm doing, so just stay the fuck out of it," Dean practically hisses at him. After realizing how harshly he spoke, he rubs a hand over his face. "I'm sorry. It's just that I don't know if I'm doing the right thing anymore," he laughs self-deprecatingly.  
  
"Dean, the problem is not in your state of mind. It's in your method of dealing with it." Castiel stands up from behind the counter and moves to stand in front of Dean.   
  
"It was all my fault, Cas. I just can't let it go knowing that this happened to him because of me." Dean stares down at his feet, and Castiel can practically feel the self-loathing roll off of him in waves.  
  
"Just because you were late does not make it your fault, Dean." But Dean's still staring down at the tiled floor and not at Castiel. "Look at me, Dean, please." It takes a moment for Dean to lift his head, but eventually he focuses his green eyes on Castiel's. "One mistake does not mean that you were responsible for it. You need to understand that."  
  
"How am I supposed to understand that when my dad's been lying in a coma for over a year? Tell me, Cas!"  
  
Castiel's jaw works for a second before he decides how to answer. He remembers the accident as if it happened yesterday; he doesn't think he'll ever be able to forget how broken Dean had looked when he saw his father in the emergency room.   
  
It had been early December, and Dean had been getting ready in the morning when he had gotten a text from his father. Castiel had been sitting next to him at the breakfast table as they both ate some cereal sitting next to each other. The text had been from his father and had said "5pm. Pick me up from the airport" and nothing else.   
  
Dean had sat there with flashes of confusion, fear, anger, and sadness all playing on his face. He had tried calling his father, but John didn't answer. Dean still said he would go to the airport anyways, since he hadn't seen John in nearly four years.   
  
As Dean told him, when it came time to pick John up, Dean had gotten caught up with patients, since his schedule was till seven that day, meaning he wasn't going to make it to the airport by that time. I've been waiting for an apology for years, so being a few minutes late isn't going to hurt that son of a bitch. That was what Dean had told him as he had been going downstairs to change. However, he walked through the ER wing on the way there, and there he saw his father lying on a bed, surrounded by doctors.  
  
Apparently, John had hailed a cab to get to where Dean was, but the cab had gotten into a massive accident. It left John Winchester in a coma, and Dean's been paying for the hospital fees that the insurance doesn't cover ever since.  
  
He remembers how distraught Dean had been. How angry he was at himself and his father. How he had thrown his phone at the wall after he finished informing Sam and Bobby. He also remembers the tears that Dean had shed during that night. Castiel had sat on the couch with Dean. Though he hadn't had the strength to comfort Dean with his hands, he hoped his presence would be enough for Dean to know that at least someone was there.   
  
"How were you supposed to know that the accident was going to happen? How were any of us supposed to know?" Castiel says. He has spoken these words to Dean time and time again, but he's never listened.  
  
"It doesn't matter if I didn't know! Family's family, and you don't give up on them no matter what."  
  
"Dean, it's been months. If he was ever going to wake up, he would have done so by now."  
  
"You think I don't know that? I get that you and Sammy are worried about me, but I'm fine. I know what I'm doing. Just give me a few more month," Dean practically begs.  
  
And because Castiel has never been able to say no to Dean, he nods his head.  
  
The rest of the night is spent in silence. 


	5. Quicksand

When Castiel wakes up one morning, it's to the sound of raindrops harshly beating against his bedroom window.   
  
He turns over onto his stomach and pulls the sheets up higher to block the sound out, but the raindrops are ceaseless. After a few more minutes of trying to sink back into unconsciousness, he gives up turns back onto his back to stare up at the ceiling.  
  
Today he has the day off, and he was hoping on sleeping in until late. Maybe he'd have a late breakfast or maybe he'd just skip straight to lunch. But now that wasn't going to happen thanks to Mother Nature. He turns into his right to look at the clock on his bedside table and groans at the sight.  
  
It's only eight in the morning.  
  
Well, it's more hours of sleep than he's used to, so he might as well make the most of his day.  
  
Castiel pulls the covers off of him and gets out of bed. After going to the bathroom and brushing his teeth, he heads straight for the kitchen to get started on brewing a cup of coffee. Maybe he can make a couple frozen waffles to go with it for breakfast.   
  
Once they're ticking away in the toaster, he pours himself coffee, adds what he needs, and takes his mug to stand by the window.   
  
Since they have a corner apartment, there's a large glass window on the wall of their kitchen, and he takes a minute to look out of it. On the street below him, he sees cars moving back and forth in a frenzy. A woman helping an elderly man cross the street. A businessman hastily opening up his black umbrella. All around him the world continues moving while he's alone in a kitchen, waiting on a couple waffles.   
  
Dean has a shift from six to two today, since it's a Sunday, so he should be home in a few hours. Castiel has today and tomorrow off, until the evening tomorrow at least, since he has a night shift.   
  
Luckily, Anna doesn't schedule him for many night shifts anymore, but he remembers those long hours interning. He also remembers how Dean used to bring him food wherever he was, since never had time to eat anything.

After their "fight" the other day, he and Dean went back to normal by the next day. That didn't mean Castiel still didn't want to talk to Dean about it again. But Dean's been the king of evasion since the day they met, so Castiel doubts that Dean's ever really going to be open with him about John. 

Though the mere thought of Dean has his stomach doing somersaults again, since he recalls a few nights ago, they had been eating lunch together with Charlie. And Dean had had to go back to work earlier than them, so Dean had given Castiel a quick kiss on the temple before he left. It had ended in Cas blushing bright shades of red, while Charlie looked on and smiled at him.

They'd been doing this whole fake dating thing for over a month now, but they have yet to show any actual "public displays of affection" really. For Castiel, the relationship's been like nothing but trying to resist temptation. It's as if the serpent is whispering encouragements into his ear to eat the forbidden fruit, asking him to just take what he can, every time he and Dean are in public. It's taken all of Castiel's willpower to stay away from making the wrong decision. Though, after all, no human beings are infallible.  
  
So he'll take what he can get with Dean in this short period of time, if just to say that there was a time where the world thought they belonged to each other.   
  
His thoughts get muted when the waffles spring up out of the toaster, and he moves to retrieve them. The second waffle has just hit the plate when Castiel's phone begins to ring from where he left it in the living room last night. He darts out of the kitchen to pick it up, but his fingers freeze on the answer button once he sees who it is. Naomi.   
  
He hesitates for a second further, but he knows he's going to have to eventually talk to her. So he presses answer and holds the phone to his ear.  
  
"Hello, Naomi."   
  
_"Hello, Castiel. I'm sorry we haven't been able to talk in a long time."_  
  
"Yes, it has been a while. Did you call for a specific reason?"  
  
_"What, I can't just call to talk to my son?"_  
  
He laughs bitterly. "I thought you stopped calling me your son when you found out that I had decided to stay in New York."   
  
_"Castiel, it was not that you decided to stay in New York. It was why you chose to stay. Sometimes you need to choose yourself over others."_  
  
"Choose myself? We both know I would have been unhappy if I followed you to England." In his fourth year of medical school, Castiel had already had his eyes set on the same hospital that Dean and Anna worked at. His mother, however, had other ideas. She had been staying in London ever since the passing of her second husband, meaning Castiel's step-father, and she had wanted Castiel to come there to work and live. He hadn't wanted to leave behind the family and friends he had here, all of the relationships he'd made. He hadn't wanted to be an ocean apart from Gabriel and Anna, and especially not so far away from Dean.   
  
Their fight had been at the airport one day when he had gone to visit Naomi in London on a long weekend. He spent the whole trip hearing stories of how great the hospitals in London were, but he'd refused to stay. Naomi had followed him to the airport and told him that he was making the biggest mistake of his life by not taking the job that Naomi had already arranged for him.  
  
Residency in London would have been too difficult for him. It has taken him so long to get used to the flow of things in New York; how was he supposed to start all over?  
  
_"You may have been unhappy at first, but you would have gotten used to it eventually. You could have been great, Castiel."_  
  
"I'm fine here. Thank you for calling." He's about to turn the phone off when Naomi sighs and begins talking.  
  
_"Before you go, I have to say congratulations. Anna told me all about it, and I'm very proud of you."_  
  
"Proud? Of what? Are you referring to my relationship?" He can only guess that's what she's talking about.   
  
_"Relationship? I was referring to the two heart transplants you had assisted in throughout the past month. What relationship?" O_ h fuck, Anna must have stayed true to her word and not mentioned anything about Dean and him to his mother. What was he supposed to say now?  
  
"Yes, I'm in a relationship with, um, with Dean," he stumbles. It's quiet on the other end of the phone before Naomi speaks again.  
  
_"Oh. I suppose it was bound to happen one day."_  And then Castiel hears the click that means the call has been cut, and he's left wondering whether she's angry or she just doesn't care anymore. Probably the latter.  
  
Castiel sighs and runs a hand through his hair. The contentedness he had been feeling all morning exits his body in a rush, leaving him empty. He goes back to his waffles and finds that they have turned cold.  
  
The rest of the morning passes normally, with the only sounds in the apartment the noise of the rain and the creaking of his footsteps. When he and Dean had found the apartment building, they had both been charmed by the modern architecture of the building, and they knew it was the right fit for both of them. It helped that the rent was cheap too.  
  
It's around one in the afternoon when he gets another phone call, and this time, he hopes it's not from Naomi. Weirdly, it's from Gabriel. What's he doing up at such an early time for him, since it's half past ten in San Diego?  
  
"Hello?" Castiel can't help his suspicious tone.  
  
_"Hey, bro! Long time, no talk. How's it hanging in the Big Apple?"_  Gabriel chirps.  
  
"Everything's fine, Gabriel. Why did you call?"  
  
_"Ah. You never liked to beat around the bush, did you? Well, I'm calling because a certain redhead informed me that you were in a relationship with Dean for months, and I had to call to see if it was true."_  
  
"Yes, it's true."  
  
_"You see, that's what I thought at first. You and Winchester have been tiptoeing around each other like teenagers for five years, so I assumed that maybe you had finally gotten over everything and fucked it out."_  
  
"I would hardly say we—" Castiel goes to add something, but Gabriel cuts him off.   
  
_"Let me finish, Cas. So anyways, I was sitting there thinking, and I thought to myself, there's no way these two were in a secret relationship. You and Dean aren't the type of guys to hide it from anyone. The whole working in the same place thing was a valid excuse, but Dean's dated Anna before back when she was an intern, so that's not the problem. Then I thought that maybe it was because you're two guys, and you both weren't ready to come out of the closet. And then I remembered that most of the hospital thought you were dating anyways, and according to Anna, your claims against the idea weren't because you guys didn't swing that way, but it was because you guys were just best friends. So I thought there was one of two options: either you just got together a month ago and lied about being in a relationship for longer, or you're not really in a relationship at all, and I'm leaning towards the second option."_    
  
Castiel is silent while he figures out how to answer. He had tried to put off calling Gabriel as long as possible, and now what was he supposed to say? He could say that Gabriel's thinking is all wrong, but something tells him his brother won't believe him. Growing up as five years younger than Gabe was never easy, since Gabriel would always be able to tell when Castiel was lying. This was no exception.  
  
"You're right. We're not actually dating."  
  
_"I knew it! But why lie to everyone?"_  
  
"You know that gala in June? Well Dean and I didn't want to be bothered by questions about it nor did we want to go with someone random, and we figured that everyone already thought we were dating, so why not use that to our advantage?"   
  
Gabriel sighs. _"You're an idiot, Cas. Does he know that you-"_  
  
"No, he doesn't know about my feelings for him, and it's going to stay that way," Castiel says with a tone of finality. Castiel told Gabriel about his more than friends feelings years ago, around the time he told Anna, and Gabe had laughed and said the feeling was probably mutual. That was years ago. He wonders if Gabriel would think the same thing now.  
  
"Alright, just don't get yourself hurt. And if you need me to, I'll fly across the country to punch Dean in the face if he fucks with you."  
  
Castiel rolls his eyes. "I hardly think that will be necessary, Gabriel." The rest of their conversation is spent talking about how things are going at the hospital for Castiel, and how Gabriel is about to move in with his girlfriend Kali. The two have been seeing each other on-and-off for years, and it's about time they committed to each other. He wishes he could say the same about himself and Dean.  
  
Even though the call with Gabriel did wonders to distract him, he falls back into a slump when he remembers Naomi. Gabriel and Naomi never clicked with each other either, so it had always fallen to Castiel to be the golden son. His childhood may have been spent attending mass and living strictly, but he's learned that he wouldn't be who he is today without it.   
  
That doesn't mean that he loved his childhood, however. Naomi had always made his decisions for him, and he loved his mother, he really did, but he's long past trying to meet halfway with her. If she wants to only focus on his career, then fine. They don't need to talk to each other anyways.   
  
He sighs and goes to take a nap in his room. 

\- - -

Cas has been avoiding him since yesterday, and it's starting to freak him out.  
  
When he got home from work yesterday, Cas had been taking a nap in his room, and Dean decided he would let the little guy sleep for a bit. Around five, Cas had emerged from the dead and had been more than a little cranky. At first, Dean just assumed it was because he was still tired. But then it was almost dinner time and Cas was still in his funk, so that's when Dean started to get a little worried.  
  
He tried talking to Castiel about it before they both went to bed, but Castiel had evaded the topic and said he was just tired. Which, okay, weird for someone who's been asleep most of the day, but he let it go. Except now it's ten in the morning and they both have a night shift today, which means they're both home right now.  
  
"So are you just gonna sit there and not talk to me all day or..." Dean trails off, hoping Cas will finally say something.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm just—"

"Tired, I know," Dean finishes. "That's what you've been saying since yesterday. But are you sure it's not something else, something other than just being tired?"  
  
Castiel manages to give him a crooked smile. "If anything was the matter, I would have told you by now, Dean. Just the long hours getting to me, I guess."  
  
"Hey, well we can go out to lunch or something to cheer you up, if you want? We haven't been to the burger place on 89th in a while." The last time they went to that joint had been October, and he's been craving it ever since. It's April, and though the ground was still wet from the rain all day and night, they could walk there if they really wanted to.  
  
"I appreciate the offer, but I promised Hannah I'd meet her for lunch today," Castiel says. He's not meeting Dean's eyes, though, and something about that that bothers him.  
  
"Oh, really? Where you guys headed?" He tries to keep his voice casual, since hey, he has no right to be angry at Cas for already having plans. He has no right to be jealous of Hannah either, though he's pretty sure that's the bitter feeling that's coursing through his veins right now. It's not like they're actually dating, for fuck's sake.  
  
"I'm not quite sure. She texted me the name of the place, though. I can go check my phone if you wanna know exactly what it is," Castiel says with a hint of smugness in his voice, and Dean knows that Castiel is teasing him right now.   
  
"I think I'll be fine without knowing. Just, uh, make sure you make it back in time for your shift."  
  
"Dean, my shift begins at six. Where could I possibly go that takes me five hours to come back from?"  
  
"Well, I mean, there's always her apartment," Dean smirks, raising his eyebrows at Cas. Inside his chest, his heart is beating to this funny rhythm and that stupid fucking jealous feeling is still running through him and he just wants it all to stop.   
  
Luckily, Cas outright laughs at Dean's suggestion. "Me and Hannah are just friends, Dean. Plus, I wouldn't exactly be climbing into her bed so quickly even if I did like her, or bringing her back here, for that matter."  
  
Those words should not comfort him as much as they do.  
  
"Well, you know, if you did want to go on a date with anyone, I really wouldn't mind, as your fake boyfriend." And he even winks at the end for good measure. Cas just laughs again and then leaves the room saying he's going to go take a shower, so Dean counts that conversation as a victory.   
  
However, when it comes time for lunch, Cas is still sitting in their living room, staring blankly at the TV.  
  
"Thought you had a hot date to get to," Dean jokes.  
  
"You know, no matter how many times you call it a date, that's not going to magically change our plans into one," Castiel quips, turning to look at Dean. "And besides, Hannah canceled on me. She said something came up, so we rescheduled."  
  
"Oh, that sucks. I was just gonna eat a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch, today. You want one of those?" At Castiel's nod, Dean adds, "Come on, I'll even let you help me make them."  
  
"I'm pretty sure even a toddler couldn't screw up making a ham and cheese sandwich, Dean." But Castiel follows him nonetheless. Their banter continues throughout lunch, but then it's back to radio silence, and seriously? What gives?  
  
When Castiel leaves for his shift, Dean tries to work out what the cause of Castiel's sad attitude is. His shift is at seven, however, so he doesn't have much time to think of it. All he knows is that Cas has been pretty moody ever since yesterday. Maybe something happened at work that he's not telling Dean?  
  
Or maybe it's because Dean decided to say what the hell and give Cas a quick peck on the forehead the other day. Oh fuck, that's probably it. He hadn't been thinking of it when he did it, he just thought it was the natural thing to do. Natural as in natural for a couple to do, since Charlie had been there. But he can't deny that he had mostly done it on impulse rather than out of need to keep up their fake relationship in front of Charlie.  
  
He probably fucked with Castiel's personal space, and now he's probably uncomfortable around Dean. Him and his stupid brain really need to keep themselves in check more.  
  
Well, now that he knows what the problem is, he should go apologize to Cas when he goes to work. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.   
  
Castiel is obviously nowhere to be found once he enters the hospital, but he continues on toward the nurse's lounge to change. In there, he finds Jody, who says a quick hello to him. However, she hesitates at the door when she's leaving.  
  
"Hey, Dean? I was wondering if you wanted to help me make schedules for June. I'm heading down for Alex's graduation next month for a few days, and I know that I won't be able to get everything finalized in time. I barely got the schedule for April in, and I just started working on May," Jody informs. As the CNO, it's Jody's responsibility to maintain every nurse's charts and coordinate schedules, along with having meetings with the board as a representative when needed.  
  
"Yeah, it's no problem, Jody. Just, uh, why me? I mean, there's lots of other, more experienced nurses that you could ask."  
  
"Dean, you may not have been working here for decades like some other people, but I know you got the right brain for this. Just promise me you'll think about it."  
  
"Fine, I'll make a decision soon," Dean sighs, but smiles at the end. Jody beams at him and makes her exit, leaving Dean's mind thrumming with excitement. Yeah, creating schedules isn't exactly the most fun job, but at least he can try to coordinate his own schedule to be the way he wants it.  
  
He's almost all but forgotten about how he has to apologize to Cas when he's standing next to Hannah a few hours later in an elevator. The time is ticking closer and closer to one AM, and most of the patients are in a deep slumber. The staff is scant too, leaving the place almost lighter.  
  
"Oh, hey Hannah," Dean greets. He's hardly ever talked to her, so he hopes she responds.  
  
"Hi, Dean," Hannah says.  
  
"I didn't think you would be working this late too." He tries not to recall how jealous he had been of her this morning, but he fails. Hannah is in the same program as Castiel, they both have the same interests, and they're great friends with each other. So sure, Dean's been friends with Cas longer, but what kind of things do they really share in common?  
  
"Ah yes, I usually don't take the night shift, but it was what I was given. I think I should have gotten more rest earlier in the day," she laughs.  
  
"Oh, I heard you cancelled lunch with Cas today. Is everything okay?"  
  
"What do you mean? Castiel had been the one to cancel lunch with me. He said that he was feeling a little under the weather." And wait, what? He's like ninety-nine percent sure that Cas had said it was Hannah who did the canceling. Something's not right here: either Hannah's lying or Cas is. And he's pretty sure Hannah has nothing to lie about, so that leaves one option.   
  
"Oh yeah, I must have misunderstood him. Uh, you wouldn't know where Cas is right now, by any chance?" He lies to cover up any suspicions she may have.   
  
"I believe he told me he was going to the on-call room to get some rest for an hour or two ago," Hannah says. The elevator dings open, and out Hannah goes onto the first floor.  
  
Well, Dean was about to head to the nurse's lounge for a half hour break, anyways, so he might as well visit Cas. Now he's not one hundred percent sure it has to do with that forehead kiss at all.  
  
Dean remains in the elevator as the arrow switches upward, and a couple more people enter. Cas has been on Neuro for the past few days, so he'll probably be on that floor right now. He presses the third floor button, causing it to light up, and makes his way up.  
  
Once the door opens, Dean heads in what he thinks is the direction of the on-call rooms, and he can feel his heart beat pick up as he gets closer. If it's not Dean that's Cas' problem, then what is? And if it is Dean, then should they just call this whole lie off? Cas' comfort is much more important to him than some dumbass gala.  
  
He gets to the two on-call rooms on the floor, and he's unsure about which Cas is in. He chooses the first one he sees and peers in, hoping he's not being a creep. Expect that he knows he totally is.  
  
One look at the bed and he knows that Castiel lying there on his back. However, if his even breaths are anything to go by, Cas is asleep, which means that Dean's watching him sleep, which means that Dean is turning into Cas from med school.  
  
Early when they'd moved in together during Castiel's third year, Dean had fallen asleep on the couch one day. He'd woken up to Castiel staring at him, which whoa, creepy, but Cas said he's just been waiting for Dean to wake up so they could go out for dinner. He hadn't wanted to wake Dean up because Dean apparently "looked too at peace", which confused him at time, but now he totally understood the sentiment.  
  
As Dean inches closer though, he sees that Cas may be fast asleep, but goosebumps are littering Cas' arms. Come to think of it, it's colder in the room than it should be.   
  
Then, he takes a closer look at Cas' dormant figure and sees that the window next to him is cracked open slightly. He better go close that if she doesn't want Cas getting a cold, because every time he does get sick, Cas turns into what Dean likes to call a "grump monster". Dean once vocalized this to Cas, and if looks could kill, well Dean wouldn't be standing here today.   
  
The problem is, Cas is lying in the bed against the wall of the window. Not on the right bed or the left bed, but the one facing horizontally along the length of the window. Which means Dean has to someone reach over and shut the window without waking Cas up.   
  
Well, it shouldn't be too hard. Dean moves silently to the bed, but his arms aren't long enough to get a good grip on the window. He shifts as far forward as he can, but the window is still just out of his reach. He exhales harshly, frustrated, since he knows that he's gonna have to climb onto the edge of the bed. The number one problem is that the window is next to where Cas' face is, so he's going to have to sit towards the bottom of the bed and then lean over and to the left.  
  
As quietly as possible, Dean climbs onto the foot of the bed, but he's still not close enough to the window. Fuck, time for extreme measures. He climbs onto his hands and knees, inching forward on them to get to the window. Unfortunately, this leads to him basically straddling Cas' hips, and shit, Cas better not choose now to wake up.   
  
His fingers are finally clamping down on the window, but it's just not budging, and so he presses down harder, except his knees start shaking, and he's about to fall.  _Abort mission!_  Rings out in his mind as his legs as he collapses forward. He lands with an _oof_ , his forehead clashing with Cas' chin.   
  
Great, now he's completely draped over Cas, and the odds are just not in his favor, because Cas' eyes blink open, and Dean knows Cas is about to scream. The lights are off and Dean's face is probably hidden in shadows, and this is the worst situation ever.  
  
Apparently all his bad karma is coming back for him with a vengeance, because he hears the door opening, so he clamps his hand down on Cas' mouth to stop him from crying out and confusing the shit out of whoever it is.  
  
Thank god, it's just Charlie, and from the lights in the hallway, he sees her eyebrows raise comically as she takes in the scene before her.  
  
And that's when Dean realizes what Charlie's thinking, since Dean's lying on top of Cas with his hand on Cas mouth, and they're both turning wide eyes on Charlie.

  
This continues on for another second until Cas turns back to him, and he feels Cas relax underneath his body as he realizes it's Dean, and not some stranger.  
  
Charlie breaks out of her stupor, though she still looks a bit shocked. "Sorry! Sorry, I should have knocked or something, oh my god. I didn't know you guys would be—sorry! I just came to wake up Cas because those scans he needed are ready, but it can wait a few minutes. Rock on, guys!" And then Charlie leaves the room with a wink.

  
Dean finally takes his hand off Cas' mouth and the words start spilling out of him like a waterfall.  
  
"Holy shit, I'm so sorry, Cas. I was just trying to close the window and then I kinda fell on you and then you woke up and I didn't know Charlie would open the door, but I didn't want you to scream or anything in case you thought I was a pervert or something, but shit, that was so fucking rude and over-controlling I'm—" Dean stutters out, shutting up once Cas covers his mouth with his hand.

  
"It's fine, Dean. Though it'd be best if you got off me now." Cas doesn't sound angry or anything, just a little tired and bewildered. Dean immediately climbs off of him and upright on the floor, sitting next to Cas when Cas sits up.   
  
"I came in here because I ran into Hannah in the elevator earlier."  
  
"Oh." Castiel says, probably realizing what Dean must know.   
  
"Yeah, Cas, 'oh'. Why didn't you just tell me that you cancelled? What's on your mind?"  
  
"It's nothing too important, Dean." Cas looks down toward the floor.  
  
"Like hell it isn't, Cas! You don't have to tell me everything if you don't want to, but give me some kind of clue so I can help." He nudges his shoulder against Cas', making the other man sigh in resignation. Dean holds his breath to see if Cas is going to say the reason for his recent behavior is because of Dean or not.  
  
"My mother called yesterday." Castiel mutters. And oh, those are nothing close to the words Dean thought Cas was going to say. "She gave me the same spiel as always, how I should come to London with her. I told her no, obviously, and then I accidentally brought up our relationship, and she wasn't too pleased with that."  
  
"Accidentally?"  
  
"I assumed she was referring to it when she said 'congratulations', but I should have known she was just referring to my work. I just wish she cared more about me than my career, you know?" Dean's heard Cas say things like this for years, but he never gets used to the way Cas sounds so defeated. He absolutely hates it.   
  
"You can't let your mom get to you, man. So what if you didn't wanna go to London? I wouldn't want to leave my friends and family behind either. And about our relationship, well it's not exactly a real thing either, so don't let her get to you." If anything, Cas seems to deflate even more, so Dean turns Cas' chin toward him. "Listen to me, Cas. You're fucking awesome, and don't you forget it. You're worth so much more than you think." Cas' eyes seem to widen, and although Dean can't see too well in this light, he's pretty sure Cas' lips finally curve into a smile.  
  
But then there's this beat where they're both just frozen, with Dean lips glued on Cas' smile, and Cas seems to be holding his breath. An electric something tingles in the air, and it's making his mouth dry.   
  
The moment breaks when Cas huffs and looks away from him. "I could say the same thing about you, Dean," Cas says, raising his eyebrows as if trying to get a point across. Dean's suddenly reminded of the conversation they about John, and he knows Cas is referring to what Dean said about himself that night. Dean knows it's not completely his fault, but he can't help but feel responsible about what happened that day. He doesn't know if that feeling will ever leave him.  
  
Cas seems to take Dean's silence as relenting, and he climbs up off the bed, though he sits back down to close the window that Dean failed to shut before. He then stands and begins walking toward the door, while Dean rushes to catch up to him.   
  
Castiel is just pulling the door open before he pauses and turns back to Dean. "By the way, Gabriel knows we're faking."  
  
"What? How?" Dean practically exclaims.

  
"He's just really good with these sorts of things. Must be his leftover playboy attitude," Cas says, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
Dean decides to drop that matter for the time being once they step back into the light. Cas murmurs something about getting those scans from Charlie, and takes off to the right. Dean leans back against the wall for a second before walking back to the elevators, wondering what just happened in there.  
  
He also drops that matter too, choosing to reflect on it after the moon trades places with the sun. 


	6. Learning Curve

The breeze whips his skin as Dean sits on a bench during midday. Metallica's blasting loud and clear in his ears as he uses his phone to text Sam.   
  
People mill about the streets, some in a hurry and others just enjoying the view on edge of Central Park. Usually, he hates coming to these tourist traps, but it's his day off today and hell if he's not gonna spend it relaxing.  
  
Yesterday had been full of lots of running back and forth, and they'd almost lost one of Dean's patients. By the end of the night, he came home and passed out without even changing. When he awoke, he was alone in the apartment, meaning he hasn't seen Cas since yesterday morning.  
  
Things between them have been okay since their conversation in that on-call room. Dean even got a call from Gabe four nights ago telling him not to "fuck with his little bro or else". Both he and Gabe knew that Dean could take Gabe any day, but the threat was still there. He's still not one hundred percent on how Gabe managed to figure out his relationship with Cas is fake, but he made Gabe promise not to tell anyone until after they break up.  
  
His thoughts are interrupted when he gets an incoming FaceTime call from Sam, the ringing noise screaming in his ears, so he lowers the volume. He and Sam have been texting for half an hour, but he's also in a public place. It might be weird for him to talk to a phone screen in public, but it's not like anyone was paying him any attention.   
  
He presses answer and Sam's goofy face pops on the screen. He's wearing a Stanford shirt, with a tired smile on his face. Sam also yawns after a second.  
  
"Not get enough beauty sleep last night?' Dean jokes.  
  
Sam huffs and leans back in the couch he's sitting on. "Not really. I was up last night looking over this case I have to study, but I think I'm good with it now. What's up with you?"  
  
"Nothing really. I'm in Central Park right now. I also really want a hot dog."  
  
"Sounds like life in the Big Apple is really exciting," Sam laughs.  
  
"Literally no one calls it that, Sammy," Dean rolls his eyes at the screen. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a dark-haired man come and sit on the other end of the bench he's on.  
  
"Whatever, jerk. But anyways, I kinda called you for a specific reason. It's nothing bad, though. More of the exact opposite, actually," Sam promises. Now Dean's attention is piqued, so all he does is raise an eyebrow, but when Sam still doesn't speak, he prompts him further.  
  
"Come on, Sam. Out with it," Dean prods.   
  
Sam takes a deep breath and begins talking. "Okay, so I didn't wanna tell you this over text message, and telling you over FaceTime isn't exactly ideal either, but uh. I proposed to Jess last weekend, and she said yes!" Sam says, his eyes lighting up. Dean just manages to stop himself from making obnoxious cheering noises, since he's in public, but he's beaming on the inside. They've been dating for years; it's about time Sammy proposed.  
  
"I'm so happy for you, Sammy! Poor Jessica though, she's gonna be chained to you for life now."  
  
"Wow, thanks for the sentiment, Dean," Sam says sarcastically. "We won't be tying the knot anytime soon, though. We both wanna wait a while until things calm down with school, but it just felt right to propose now. Sometimes you just know, you know?"  
  
Dean wishes he could say yes and mean it truthfully, but Dean hasn't been sure of much of anything these days. His feelings for Cas are still too much of a gray area for him to sort through for now, but he knows that the idea of actually dating Cas doesn't scare him as much as it used to. He's been thinking a lot about that lately, and yeah, he still thinks dating would ruin their friendship in case things went south, but don't knock it till you try it, right?   
  
So instead, Dean just nods and asks Sam how it went down. What he gets is a whole explanation of how Sam planned a whole romantic evening and got down on one knee at the end of the night, while they were sitting on their favorite spot on the beach.  
  
"So what about you and Cas, huh? How are things between you guys?"  
  
"They're good. I mean, we barely see each other anymore since our shifts have been at opposite times, but it's all good," Dean says.   
  
"For the record, I'm really glad you two finally got together. You've been dancing around each other for years now, it was getting kinda pathetic," Sam laughs. What the hell is that supposed to mean?   
  
"Uh huh, I'm real proud of us too, I guess." He feels eyes on the side of his face, but when he looks to the man next to him, the guy's busy studying the phone in his hand.  
  
"Listen, I gotta get going now, but I'll talk to you later. But, uh is there any chance Cas talked to you about Dad recently?" Sam asks, lowering his voice a little. Dean remembers the disagreement he and Cas had had that day like it was yesterday, and he sighs.  
  
"Yeah, he did. I told him to give me a few more months. I owe it to Dad, Sam."  
  
Sam chews on his lip, probably trying to decide if he should poke the tiger or not, but then he just sighs tiredly. "Okay, Dean. Whatever you need. I'm gonna go now, though, so..." Sam trails off.  
  
"No problem. I'll talk to Jess later on to get her side of the proposal, though. There's no way you did it without sweating bullets," Dean jokes.  
  
"You suck, Dean," Sam says, without much venom in his voice.  
  
"Love you too, Sammy!" Dean says, and then ends the call. He laughs to himself, and then takes the headphones out of his ears. Benny's coming over later tonight, and it wouldn't hurt to get started on dinner early. Even if it's only three in the afternoon.   
  
He's wrapping his headphones around his phone when the man next to him pipes up.  
  
"You know, I think someone told me that wrapping your headphones like that makes them break easier," a velvety voice says. Dean looks to his right, and he finally gets a good look at the man's face. He has chocolate colored hair, with blue eyes that are trained on his face right now.

"Really? Well, I am breaking these things all the time, so you may be right," Dean laughs, but he still ties the cord around his phone. One more time won't hurt. The stranger doesn't say anything further, so Dean looks back to him.  
  
"Uh, was that your boyfriend on the phone, or," the man says, stretching out the or at the end. Oh, he must of heard Dean say "love you" at the end, and probably jumped to conclusions.  
  
"Nah, brother."  
  
"Ah." Another beat of silence passes, and then the man extends a hand across to Dean. "The name's Michael, by the way."  
  
Dean shakes the extended hand and grins. "I'm Dean."  
  
"Oh, well then Dean, I'm hoping I'm not being too forward in asking this, but do have a boyfriend, for that matter? Or girlfriend, perhaps?" Michael looks strangely hopeful.  
  
"Not exactly," Dean says, though his voice comes out sounding more bitter than he intended, and he doesn't know why.   
  
"Not exactly? Did you just get out of a relationship?" At Dean's blank stare, Michael adds, "Not that it's any of my business. Sorry, I don't mean to impose or assume anything."

"Nah, no breakup. I'm just not getting lucky these days."

"Then would you be interested in getting a cup of coffee with me? There's this great place next to my apartment." Michael bites his lip, and Dean can't help but think that his lips aren't chapped enough, and come to think about it, there's something just off about him that's making Dean rush to say no. His hair's too neat, his voice not quite the right tone, and his eyes aren't the right shade of blue.   
  
"Thanks for the offer, but I've gotta get going somewhere actually. Maybe another time, though?" Dean says, getting up from his seat.  
  
Michael smiles, though Dean knows it's fake. "Yeah, maybe some other time." Michael says. Both he and Dean know there won't ever be another time. Dean offers a final wave and begins walking back to his apartment.  
  
He knows that he hasn't been interested in anyone ever since this relationship with Cas, but his excuse for it is getting weaker and weaker. Yeah, it's important to make it look like Dean's a faithful man to Cas, but going on one date isn't gonna kill him. Come to think of it, it's been months since he's been on a proper date. But the thing is, he's not exactly itching for one either, and that scares the shit out of him.  
  
He shakes it off on the walk back to the apartment, and once he's inside, he goes to straighten up the place a bit. After that's done, Dean gets to work on the turkey burgers he's making for dinner, and falls into a rhythm in the kitchen. When the doorbell rings a couple hours later, he opens it up and sees Benny, who's wearing his trademark grin on his face.   
  
"Long time, no see, brother," Benny jokes.   
  
"You got that right." Dean cracks the door open for him to enter, and leads him into the kitchen. Cas may be a beginner in the kitchen, but Benny's got cooking smarts. The two of them manage to cook together and get settled at the fancy dining table that he and Cas almost never use. It's in-between taking a bite of his burger and grabbing a homemade waffle fry that Benny clears his throat, as if he's about to discuss something serious.   
  
"How are things going with that whole situation with your old man, Dean?" Benny gently says. Anger surges through Dean, and he wants to retort with  _it's none of your fucking business_ , but this is Benny, who had been there with him when this whole clusterfuck happened.  
  
"I was talking to Sam about it earlier today, actually. We both agreed on keeping him going a few more months," Dean informs, keeping his voice neutral.  
  
"Alright, as long as you're okay with it. Just wanted to make sure you know what you're doing." Benny takes a bite of his burger again, looking straight at Dean.  
  
"A lot of people have been asking me about it for the same reason," Dean tells, and Benny hums in response. They're both quiet as they chew, and Dean in the middle of taking a sip of his beer when Benny speaks up.  
  
"So, how are things with you and the missus?" Benny jokes. Dean rolls his eyes and looks at the plate in front of him.  
  
"Me and Cas are doing great."  
  
"You don't look too happy saying that. Hit a rough patch or something?"  
  
"Nah, just long hours and shit getting in the way of us spending much time together," Dean sighs dramatically, though the words he's saying are true. Sure, they're not together, but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss hanging out with his best friend.  
  
"I know what you mean, brother. I've been trying to spend more time with Andrea, now that we got a little one on the way, but these damn hours. I gotta talk to Jody about it," Benny says. Dean told him about how he was supposed to help her with the schedule for June, and Benny's been ecstatic, since Benny thought this meant he could get the hours he wanted. Dean had laughed in his face and walked away.   
  
"Tell me about it," Dean sighs again, though this one's more real. A second goes by, and then he hears the tell-tale sign of keys in the front door, meaning that Cas must be home.  
  
He hears Castiel's footsteps behind him a second later, and Castiel begins the path straight to his room. However, he pauses once he sees Benny sitting at the dining table with Dean.   
  
"Benny? I didn't know you'd be here," Castiel says, taking a seat next to Dean at the table.   
  
"Yeah, Dean here said we were long overdue for that burger date we had planned," Benny drawls, winking over at Dean, causing the younger man to chuckle.   
  
Then, Dean shifts gears to prove to Benny that him and Cas are doing just fine, thank you very much.   
  
"How was work today, babe?" Dean asks, staring at Castiel's baby blues. If Cas is fazed by the nickname, he doesn't show any indication on his face.  
  
"Fine. I was on Dr. Cain's service today, and I saw a lot of blood and guts. Got to assist in a surgery with him though," Castiel answers, taking a fry from Dean's plate. Dean glares at Cas but allows him to take another one off his plate while he's chewing the first.  
  
"Well, it sounds more interesting than my day went. I was at the park for a while talking to Sam. Oh! He told me that he finally popped the question to Jess," Dean relays, hoping that Sam won't mind him telling Cas and Benny.   
  
"Tell the kid I said congrats!" Benny says with a grin on his face.   
  
"Yes, tell Sam that we're all glad that he finally took that step. Those two are crazy about each other," Cas notes, gazing at Dean. Dean's helpless to not stare back, so he does, seeing excitement reflected in Cas' eyes. There's that something else in them too, though Dean can't really tell.  
  
"Yeah,  _those two_  are the ones crazy 'bout each other," Benny jokes, flicking his eyes back and forth between Dean and Cas. Unlike Cas who just looks away, Dean has the decency to blush and hopes Benny doesn't comment on it.  
  
Thankfully, he doesn't and the three of them talk about work for a few more minutes until Castiel suddenly pushes his chair back from the table.  
  
"I'm going to go grab a shower, and I expect a burger ready for me when I get back," Castiel says with a pointed look at Dean. The green eyed man just nods, so Cas leans across and plants a brief kiss on Dean's left cheek, nothing more than a quick brush of his lips. However, it has Dean blushing all over again and this time, Benny comments on it.  
  
"You've got it so bad for him, it's actually entertaining to watch," Benny teases once Cas has wandered off.  
  
"Shut it, Lafitte," Dean retorts, but even he can't keep the smile out of his voice when he says it. 

\- - -

When Castiel steps into his room, his heart's beating at a rapid pace. What did he just do? It wasn't exactly necessary for him to kiss Dean's cheek a second ago, but he did it anyway. He hopes that Dean doesn't mind too much, or else who knows what'll happen.   
  
It's when he steps into the shower that he can feel himself relaxing. He thinks back to the events of the day. First, he'd been talking to Charlie in the morning, and she had been giving him the latest gossip about who was going with who to the gala. When Castiel thinks about it, he realizes that almost two months have gone by since he and Dean started fake dating, which means they have two months left.  
  
Even with the hot water beating down on his skin, Castiel still manages to shiver at the thought.   
  
The days have been going by so quickly, he hasn't even realized how matters have progressed. In the blink of an eye, the gala is bound to be here, and then what? He and Dean have a public break up but promise to remain friends? Inside, he knows it's inevitable, but he can't help but feel sick to his stomach at the thought. He never should have gone along with it in the first place.  
And now he's in too deep and there's no lifeboat left for him. He's going to miss the casual touches that he's allowed to give Dean in public, and he's going to miss the way Dean throws around affectionate terms to him. He's going to miss it all, just because he can't have the person he wants the most. And, as Dean would say, it sucks.  
  
When he's stepping out of the shower, he's worked himself into a tense state. His mind reflects back on the fierce look that had been in Dean's eyes when they'd been talking in that on call room. Though the lights weren't on, he could still see the mossy green of Dean's eyes staring back at him, and Dean's words had soothed the wound that he'd been toting ever since his conversation with Naomi.  
  
He reappears back into the dining room where Benny and Dean have finished with their burgers and are almost done with their plate of fries. What he also sees though, is a plate next to Dean's seat, where a burger sits, one that must be for him.  
  
"Dean Winchester, you are a saint," Castiel murmurs once he takes his seat.

"Wait, what'd you say? I didn't quite catch that." Dean holds a hand by his ear, and Castiel rolls his eyes, making Dean chuckle, while Benny has a smug look painted across his face.  
  
The rest of the evening passes with laughs and conversation, and when Benny's leaving, Castiel is the one sending him off, since Dean's busy on the phone with Jess, who had called a couple minutes prior.  
  
"Thank you for coming, Benny, even though I didn't know you were going to be here," Castiel jokes.  
  
"Well thank you guys for having me, and thanks for the leftovers for Andrea," Benny gives a wave and is stepping out the door when he turns back again. "Look, Cas, I'm gonna tell it to you straight. I was telling Dean earlier about how you guys have a good thing going between you two, and I'd hate for it to fall apart."  
  
Castiel squints slightly. "Are you threatening me?"  
  
"Nah, not threatening, more like just giving you a heads up. I know that you've known Dean longer than I have, but believe me when I say he's a good guy, and we're all rooting for him, especially when it comes to his dad. Just, ah, watch out for him, okay?"  
  
"Of course, Benny," Castiel answers, meaning it in every way. If there's something he wants to do his whole lifetime, it's watch over Dean.   
  
Then the doors shutting, and Castiel turns back to get started on the dishes in the apartment. When Dean gets off the phone while Castiel is on the last plate, he asks Castiel if he wants to watch a movie or something.  
  
"You know, we never got around to watching the Empire Strikes Back," Dean says, picking at a loose thread on the bottom of his shirt.  
  
"If I recall correctly, I was supposed to be the one choosing the movie, and I never got around to picking one. But regardless, I'll have to take a rain check on that movie again. I have a shift tomorrow at six, so I should really be getting to bed," Castiel declares despondently, since his work schedule has been pretty packed lately.   
  
"Yeah, I should be heading to bed soon, too. I got a shift starting at seven." Dean lets out a yawn. "Why do we both work such demanding jobs?"   
  
"I don't really know. I can tell you though, that night I met you at the bar? I never expected you to be a nurse," Castiel laughs. Once he sees the hurt look on Dean's face, he hastily amends, "Not that it's a bad thing or anything! It's just that I thought you looked more like the engineer type."  
  
"Well, what can I say? I love kids. And plus, you looked more like an accountant to me than a medical student when I met you. It's because of that damn trench coat you always insist on wearing."  
  
"That trench coat's been with me through a lot. I'll never forget the time I invited you to that bonfire in my second year, and you tried setting the coat on fire," Castiel chuckles. Dean had gotten incredibly drunk and had been determined to "get rid of that ugly ass thing once and for all".   
  
"Hey, I was plastered. And besides, the coat's kinda grown on me."  
  
"Is that the only thing about me that's grown on you?" Castiel says, only half joking. Dean's eyes flicker back and forth between Castiel's and he speaks up.  
  
"Your sense of humor's grown on me, along with all your quirks. I have to say, I never expected to end up being such great friends with you."  
  
"Me either. I'm glad we did end up here though," Castiel says sincerely. The moment between them breaks when Dean's phone rings, and he sees Sam's name flash across the screen from where it's on the counter.  
  
"Ah, it must be Sammy calling to tell me that whatever horror story Jess told me about the proposal isn't true," Dean laughs, going to pick it up. "I'll take this call and go to sleep. 'Night, Cas." Dean walks off to go talk in his bedroom, which leaves Castiel in the kitchen, fingers still pruned from washing the dishes. 

\- - -

It's in the middle of a conversation with Anna the next morning that he notices that everyone's talking about something.   
  
"If anyone's still talking about that gala, I swear to god," Castiel mutters to her.  
  
"Oh no, I think they're talking about the free STD screenings the hospital is doing today for the staff. Apparently there's a bug going around the place. Good thing we've both been monogamous for months, right?" Anna says in the middle of pulling her fiery red hair into a bun.  
  
"You're right. I better get down to the ER though if I don't want Cain coming after me." Castiel walks away and toward the wing where the trauma unit stands. Once he gets there, he sees a teenager being rushed into the ER, and he sees Cain running alongside the gurney.  
  
"19 year old male named Andy Gallagher, probably a couple broken ribs and a major hit to the head," the EMT tells.  
  
"Alright, Novak, get him to a CT scan first, and then we'll take care of the ribs," Cain orders Castiel. In response, Castiel nods and then goes to drag the boy over to the elevator to get to the Neuro floor.   
  
After the scan is done, Castiel takes the boy back down to a trauma room to access his broken ribs. He pages Orthopedics for assistance, and then goes to work on clearing up the boy's head wound.  
  
The rest of his morning passes in the same manner, until Castiel is thankful he has a couple minutes to grab something to eat in the cafeteria. Since it's later than his usual time, he doesn't see anyone he really talks to in the cafeteria. Until, however, Charlie comes to sit next to him at the table.  
  
"What's up, Cas?" Charlie asks, sucking on the straw of the smoothie she's drinking.  
  
"Nothing really. Just another morning," Castiel waves off.   
  
"Well, have you heard about the free STD testing? I was thinking about going and getting mine done after lunch. Can't hurt to check, you know?"  
  
"I suppose so, though I don't think I truly need to check for myself." Castiel hasn't slept with anyone since Balthazar, and that was years and years ago.  
  
"Well, you know, Dean used to sleep around a lot. You never know, right?" Charlie says with a smirk on her face, and Castiel does his best not to turn the same shade as the Red Delicious on his lunch tray.  
  
"Oh, we've been... safe for the most part. I guess I should still check it out though?" Castiel agrees, just so she doesn't get too suspicious. He's supposed to be acting like him and Dean are sleeping together, but it's hard for him to do.  
  
"Great! We can go up there later, if that's not too weird to do." Charlie then launches into a speech about her latest patient, and Castiel finds himself following along intently. They both finish eating quickly and head up to the fifth floor, where the testings are taking place, and he's surprised to see Dean there. Dean also raises his eyebrows when he sees Castiel approaching him.  
  
"Fancy meeting you guys here. Can't hurt to just check, right?" Dean says, though his eyes are on Castiel's face. The blue eyed man's eyes, however, are on anywhere but Dean.   
  
Of course Dean has been sleeping with other people since their fake relationship. It's not like they're together or anything, so it's fine. Castiel still can't help the burning feeling he feels behind his eyes, and he feels pathetic. It was foolish of him to hope that Dean be monogamous for something fake.   
  
"Cas, can I talk to you for a quick second?" Dean insists. Perplexed, Castiel nods and follows him to a mostly empty hallway, where they're hidden by a potted plant.  
  
"What do you want, Dean?" He manages to keep his voice even.  
  
"Listen, I know you must be thinking about why I'm in that line, but the truth is, I haven't slept with anyone since last summer, before we moved into the apartment," Dean says, an earnest expression on his face. That makes no sense; he's known Dean for years, and never has Dean denied himself sexually. Of course, it truly is none of Castiel's business, so it confuses him as to why Dean's telling him this.  
  
"Thank you for informing me, but may I ask why? You've always been someone to get sex when you want it, so what's changed?"  
  
"I don't know what changed, actually. I guess I've just been busy and I didn't want to fall back into the same pattern of sleeping my way around the hospital, so I just haven't gotten any lately," Dean says, looking unsure himself.  
  
"Okay, then why did you feel the need to inform me of this?"  
  
"Because, you idiot, I promised I'd keep up the dating act completely. I didn't want you to think I was some guy who can't keep it in his pants for a few months." Dean rolls his eyes at the end, as if Castiel is being the ridiculous one. What's ridiculous is how Dean hasn't felt the need to sleep with anyone for months, and that causes a spark of hope to rise in his chest. He wants to think that maybe, just maybe, Dean has some feelings for him, but just hasn't sorted through them yet. "Wait a second, what are you doing in line, then? I thought you haven't slept with anyone in years."  
  
"You're right, I have not. However, Charlie told me I better get checked anyway, because of you," Castiel laughs.  
  
"Me? Oh, I'm so gonna give it to her later. Out of the two of us, she's been having way more sex in the past month that I've had in the past year," Dean huffs. However, Castiel knows Dean is all teeth, no bite, so he chuckles.

"Yeah, okay then, Dean. We better get back to the line if we don't want to make anyone too suspicious of what we're doing back here."  
  
Dean laughs and grabs Castiel's hand to lead him back to the line. Charlie's still on the end of it, though she looks glad to see them back.  
  
"You know, hospitals are not the best places to have trysts, you guys," she jokes.  
  
"Actually, we were just having a nice talk together. We'll save the trysts for when we don't have to get an STD test," Dean tells, still holding on tight to Castiel's hand. Castiel feels the warmth radiating from Dean's palm that leaves him feeling light-headed and a little dazed. He knows he's dug himself into a hole that he can't possibly hope to get himself out of, and he wonders if he'll ever find anyone else, if he'll always be fated to love Dean and only Dean.  
  
Then Dean turns his head and smiles at Castiel, and Castiel just falls a little bit more in love with him.   
  
Before Castiel can go inside for his turn, he gets a page telling him to report downstairs back to his bike accident guy.  
  
"Oh, I have to go, guys, I'll see you both later!" Castiel rushes, before heading toward the elevators. Once he gets down to his room, he sees nurses at work on him, and sees that the boy is having a seizure.   
  
"How long has this been going on?" Castiel asks as he goes to his patient and waits out the seizure. When the violent shaking of Andy Gallagher's body stops, Castiel makes a quick check of his vitals before he continues.   
  
He doesn't understand; the CT scan from earlier didn't reveal any brain damage, and Andy's brother that had come in earlier didn't tell him of any previous seizures, so where were they coming from? He thinks about it, but then he goes to check Andy's chart for a second before he sees it.  
  
Andy has hypothyroidism, meaning an under active thyroid, which causes low sodium in the blood, or Hyponatremia. If Andy's an athlete, then he's at even more of a risk for low sodium, so this must be his body's way of reacting to it.   
  
"Can you please get him hooked up to sodium solution as soon as possible?" Castiel asks the Nurse in the room. She nods in assent and goes to find the drip. Although, before Castiel can do anything else, Andy's heartbeat drags off and the erratic beating of the monitor fills the room. Fuck, the seizure must have misplaced the broken ribs he had, and his heart just have gotten hit in the process.  
  
"Crap, what's happening?" Bela suddenly appears behind Castiel, and Castiel remembers she's on Ortho service today and had come down before for the rib consult.  
  
"He had a seizure and the movement of his ribs must have punctured his heart," Castiel breathes, trying to pump out a regular rhythm to Andy's heart to get it moving again. "Paddles, please!" He knows he's acting frantic, but he can't let this child die. He's only nineteen; he still has his whole life ahead of him.   
  
"Castiel, if his ribs punctured his heart, then there's nothing we can do anymore," Bela says calmly. Somewhere in Castiel, he knows that Andy's gone, but he can't help but feel his loss hit something deep in him.   
  
After a few more pumps, Bela lays a hand on Castiel's shoulder and lets out a breath. "He's gone, Castiel."  
  
Castiel lets his hands drop away from Andy's chest, and they fall to his sides. He looks to the clock and calls it. "Time of death, 1:49." He spares Bela a glance and walks out of the room. "I better let Cain know."  
  
Step by step, he walks away from the still body of Andy Gallagher, and he feels guilt rise up in him. He knows there was nothing he could do to stop it, but he stills feels responsible. This morning, he had told Andy's brother that he would be good as new in a few weeks, and now his brother is going to have to plan a funeral. A funeral of a nineteen year old boy. God, it's all so twisted.  
  
Once he informs Cain, the bearded man sighs and closes his eyes.  
  
"Would you like to inform his family, or would you rather I did it?" Cain asks.  
  
"I'd rather do it myself, if that's alright." Cain nods at Castiel, so Castiel goes to the lobby where Andy's brother, Ansem, sits, looking at his phone.  
  
"What's up, doc?" Ansem asks once he sees Castiel approach.  
  
"I'm sorry, Andy had a seizure that caused his ribs to puncture his heart, and then there was nothing else we could do," Castiel declares, though Ansem's face crumbles within seconds. But then, it's replaced by an angry look.  
  
"What do you mean there was nothing you could do? You're his doctor; you're supposed to know everything!" Ansem exclaims, raising his voice. A few people in the lobby turn to look at the two men, and Castiel uses a gentler tone.  
  
"We couldn't have known he was going to have a seizure. Yes, he had low sodium levels, but he had no severe head trauma and there was no evidence of seizures in the past," Castiel explains, but Ansem still looks inflamed.  
  
"Or maybe you're just incompetent! You ever think about that?" Ansem shouts, and now Castiel himself is feeling miffed. He's had angry family members in the past, but nothing like this.  
  
"Please, sir, try to calm down."  
  
"I'll calm down once you get my brother a doctor that knows that they're doing!" Ansem demands.  
  
"Your brother has passed away, there's nothing left that any doctor can do. Now please, calm down or I'll have to get people to _—_ " Castiel cuts himself off when Ansem shoves at his shoulder.  
  
"Hey hey, buddy! Take your hands off of him and take a deep breath right now," Dean demands, appearing next to Castiel suddenly. What the hell? Castiel was handling the situation perfectly fine; he certainly doesn't need Dean to intervene.   
  
Though, this calms Ansem down enough and he squeezes his eyes shut. "Sorry, I'm sorry. It's just that I finally reconnected with Andy again after a few years, and he's gone." Ansem takes a lungful of air and looks back at Castiel. "I'm sorry, Doctor Novak," Ansem apologizes.   
  
"It's alright. You can go see him, if you wish," Castiel lets out. A part of him is still irritated at Dean as Dean hovers protectively at his shoulder.  
  
"I'll take you," Bela says, who's standing off to Castiel's right. Ansem nods and follows her to where Andy is, so Castiel rounds back on Dean.  
  
"A moment, Dean," Castiel grits out, going straight for the stairwell. He hears heavy footsteps follow him and once he gets inside, his irritation is receding, but he still feels the need to say something. "I didn't need you help back there, Dean. I can handle myself if need be."  
  
"I know," Dean mutters, closing his eyes and letting out a breath. "It's just _—_  I saw it all happening, and I couldn't stop myself from swooping in."  
  
"I understand that you have this protective instinct, I really do understand, but I can stick up for myself," Castiel restates, and Dean opens his eyes again. Castiel's anger leaves him in a rush, and he feels brave, so he takes his right hand and cups Dean's cheek in his palm. To his surprise, Dean leans into the touch, and they're both silent for a minute. "Thank you for being there, though. It's nice to know someone has my back."  
  
Dean scoffs, but still looks head-on at Castiel. "Please, you're there for me more than I'm there for you."  
  
"Well I'm glad we're both there for each other, regardless." Castiel's palm remains holding Dean's cheek, and then the taller man licks his lips in one fluid motion. Immediately, Castiel tenses and holds his breath, since he can feel their bodies gravitating closer together, but the stairwell door above them bangs open and they spring apart.  
  
They part ways after that, both muttering something about a patient, but Castiel's feeling a lot better than he was a few minutes ago when he finds Cain again. 

 


	7. Uneven Odds

"Remind me again why I'm at a farmer's market with you at nine in the morning?" Dean groans. Both him and Castiel have the day off. Cas, usually the one who refuses to get up before ten, woke up early to drag Dean out of bed. He was adamant about going to the farmer's market, and he said that Dean better come with him.  
  
So here Dean is, walking back and forth from different stands to make Castiel happy. It's not like Cas is even going to be the one cooking with these though, unless Dean supervised him as he did it.  
  
While they're at a stall where a middle-aged woman is basically leering at Cas, Dean's focusing very hard on the tomatoes in Castiel's hand.  
  
"I was thinking we could make homemade pizza sauce?" Castiel asks, turning the tomato. In the past, they've made pizza together, and that's one food that Cas is a pro at.  
  
"Yeah, sure. Let's buy a few of them," Dean answers, looking back toward the woman. She takes the offered tomatoes and places them on her scale, totaling out the price out.  
  
After that, they pass by a couple more stalls before they come to a stop with one selling homemade honey. Castiel's eyes widen as he takes them all in, and Dean can't help but find the action a little endearing.  
  
"Dean, we have to buy a jar," Castiel whispers, picking a glass jar up in his nimble fingers. The jar itself is covered with a golden and white cloth, the cloth tied on with tiny rope. Cas turns it around, looking at it like it's the answer to all his problems.   
  
"Here, I'll pay for it, Cas," Dean says, handing the vendor over the money. He gives him back change, and as Dean's placing it into his wallet again, he notices Cas staring at him. "What? Do I have something on my face?"  
  
"You didn't have to pay for it, Dean."  
  
"Yeah, well you paid for the tomatoes," Dean reminds.  
  
"Yes, but that was for the both of us. You hardly enjoy honey."  
  
"Maybe you can make bread or something and I'll eat it in that," Dean shrugs. Paying for a jar of honey is nothing, so he's not sure why Cas is making such a big deal out of it. It's not like he paid for a new car or something.  
  
They're walk back home, since the farmer's market is only eight blocks away, and it's a nice day outside. Walking gets Dean thinking about his own car. He feels like he's missing an arm when he's without her, but he's gotten used to it over the last six years. Still doesn't mean that he doesn't itch to get back behind her wheel.   
  
They continue to walk down the sidewalk, bypassing all the others in their path. Dean sometimes forgets just how many people are in New York City, and a part of him lusts after the town he grew up in. He misses his family and friends back home, and fuck, he's so homesick right now. Maybe he can convince Cas to come back home with him for a few days in the summer, and he'll even invite Sammy back over with him. It would do them both good to get back to their roots.  
  
His train of thought is lost once they get back to their apartment, and Cas gets to work on stowing away the food they bought. While Castiel is working on that, he walks away to where there's a calendar next to their refrigerator. He almost doesn't believe what day it is.  
  
"Dude. What the actual fuck, it's already May seventeenth," Dean practically exclaims. The last three weeks have been passing by so quickly, he didn't even realize anything. It's less than two months to the gala, which means he's less than two months away from having to break up their fake relationship.  
  
The thought has his heart sinking down to his stomach.  
  
As the days have been going by, he's realizing that he kinda likes pretending to be Cas' boyfriend. It's fun and exciting all at once, but he's still not sure if he wants to make it a real relationship one day. If his inability to contain his feelings costs him his best friend, he doesn't know what he'll do.  
  
"Well, yes it is the middle of May now. Why do you find that so surprising?" Castiel wonders, shutting the refrigerator door.  
  
"I dunno. I feel like time's been passing by so quickly these days that I don't even know what's happening anymore." Well, to be fair, Dean's been busy working out the schedule for next month with Jody, though she left to go to her daughter's graduation a couple days ago. All Dean has to do is submit the June schedule by Monday for her, and he'll be good to go.  
  
It was actually interesting to see the behind the scenes stuff that goes into coordinating nursing schedules, and Jody had even been telling him a little more about what she does as a Chief Nursing Officer. And plus, he had dinner at Jody's house the week before, and she made the best pecan pie he's ever tasted. Well actually, second best only to Ellen's. Now that woman's got a knack for any pie a person can want.   
  
Fuck, now he's craving pie.  
  
"Hey, Cas, you up for going down to that diner on fifth for some apple pie?"  
  
"Dean, that's like a half hour ride away, if you count walking and taking the subway. And it's also ten in the morning right now, hardly time to eat pie," Cas points out. Dean gives him the best puppy dog eyes he can until Cas rolls his eyes and relents. "Fine, but you're buying me lunch too."  
  
"Deal." Dean grabs his phone off the counter, where he placed it while coming inside, and begins walking to the front door again.   
Although, that's when his phone goes off in his pocket, so he pulls it out to take a peek at the name. Huh, it's Jo. He hasn't talked to her in a while.  
  
"Hey Joanna Beth!" Dean chirps. He puts his index finger up to Cas to give him a minute to talk to Jo, and Cas nods, choosing to walk back into their kitchen. Dean heads in the opposite direction, towards the living room.  
  
"Hi, Dean! How are things going over there?" Jo's voice rings out.  
  
"Things are doing fine. How's life in Kansas?"  
  
"Same ol' stuff happening here. But really, how's your job going? Got a busy schedule for the next few days?" Jo prompts. It's an odd question, but Dean still answers.  
  
"Nah, actually I got a pretty nice schedule this week. It's Cas that's got the busy one."  
  
"Oh yeah? How are things going with you and him, anyway?" Jo asks nonchalantly. Dean knows that Jo once had a crush on him when they'd been younger, and she'd even told him about it when he was twenty-three and she was eighteen. She'd said that she was waiting till he couldn't use the "you're too young" excuse, but he'd still turned her down. He'd been the one to see her grow up, so he always loved her like she was the little sister he'd never had. However, he thinks the crush has waned over these five years.  
  
"Things are great. We're just about to go grab some lunch, actually. Though I think it's more like brunch considering how early it is."  
  
"Wow," Jo snorts. "You're grabbing brunch, and I'm still eating my breakfast right now. Well, I gotta go shower and do a couple things anyways, so I guess I'll talk to you later."  
  
"Hey, not so fast, Jo. Aren't you graduating this week? Tell me about that."  
  
"Oh, yeah the ceremony's on Tuesday, and then I got plans for the rest of the week."  
  
"Plans, huh? Don't you wanna tell me about them?"  
  
"You'll find out about them sooner or later, Dean, but I've really got to go. Say hi to Cas and Jody for me, okay?" The first time Dean had met Jody, it had been at Bobby and Ellen's house, so Jo's known her since she was in diapers.   
  
"Yeah, no problem. And congrats on graduating! I knew you had it in you somewhere, Harvelle."  
  
"Oh, shove it, Winchester," Jo hisses before the line goes dead. When Dean goes to grab Cas from the kitchen, he finds Cas drinking a glass of water.  
  
"Why did Jo call?" Cas questions, leaning against the counter.  
  
"For no reason, really. I feel like I haven't seen her in forever," Dean sighs. He really misses seeing Jo, and hearing from her just reminded him of how homesick he's been feeling lately.  
  
"Well, isn't she graduating soon? Maybe you can make plans to meet her in Kansas when she's back home," Cas suggests, going to place his glass of water into the sink.  
  
"Maybe." Both Dean and Cas know that it probably won't be happening anytime soon. Dean can see it in the sympathetic look the blue-eyed man gives him. See, Dean's always been close with his family. He always made sure he kept in touch with them, especially Sammy. On the other hand, Cas has barely kept in touch with anyone besides Anna and Gabriel. He saw for himself last month just how frayed the relationship between Cas and his mom is.  
  
He's so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't even realize that Cas is walking out of the kitchen doorway until Cas is turning back to call out to him.  
  
"Dean? Pie?"  
  
"Yeah, pie," Dean affirms with a smile on his face, bumping Castiel's shoulder on the way to the door. "Race you downstairs!" Dean announces as he shoves his shoes back on as quickly as possible.  
  
At first, all he hears is Castiel's laugh echoing behind him as he unlocks the door, but once he gets the damn thing open, he hears, "You're on, Winchester." After that, Dean's running like he's back in high school gym class, and he loves every second of it.

\- - -

Castiel is changing out of his scrubs on Thursday night when his phone starts buzzing repeatedly. Puzzled, he finishes putting his jeans back on before taking a look at it.  
  
He checks the screen and sees the text messages he's received are all from Dean, and for a moment he panics because what if something's wrong? But once he clicks them open, he sees that it's nothing to worry about.  
  
_Received at 7:02pm  
__From: Dean  
_ come home quick!! we've got a surprise visitor

 _Received at 7:02pm_  
_From: Dean_  
hint: it's not Benny or Charlie  
  
_Received at 7:03pm_  
_From: Dean_  
Dean's an idiot.  
  
_Received at 7:03pm_  
_From: Dean_  
the surprise visitor took my phone so disregard the previous message  
  
_Received at 7:04pm_  
_From: Dean_  
also, I ordered pizza from Luigi's, so pick that up on your way pls :)  
  
Castiel chuckles at Dean's messages, but another part of him wonders who the surprise visitor is. Maybe it's Anna or Victor or someone? But that wouldn't make Dean send these messages. Well, he'll find out sooner or later.  
  
He leaves the hospital and makes his way to the subway, inserting his Metro Card when he needs to. Once he's seated on the busy subway, he sends Dean a text back.  
  
_Sent at 7:13pm_  
_To: Dean_  
Can I get another hint? Also, you better have ordered a Hawaiian pizza for me or else.  
  
Even though his reception is horrible this far underground, the message thankfully still sends. He taps his fingers on his knee until his phone vibrates again.  
  
_Received at 7:15pm_  
_From: Dean_  
no to the 1st  & yes to the 2nd  
  
Castiel just smiles to himself and chooses not to respond back. He sighs as he remembers he only has a few weeks or so until he and Dean break it off, and then things will go back to normal. Instead of Dean and Cas, it'll be Dean. And Cas. Just two best friends that live together. Two best friends that "broke up", even though their relationship was false to begin with, even though one of them is in love with the other. Yes, that sounds about right.  
  
God, he's so bitter these days.  
  
He picks up the two pizzas that Dean ordered from Luigi's once he's above ground again, and he walks the two blocks to the apartment. He juggles the pizza boxes in one hand, while turning his golden key in the lock with the other. Once it's pushes open, he hears laughter coming from the kitchen, and it definitely is coming from a female. Who could it be?  
  
His question is answered when he toes his work shoes off and sets the pizza down on the kitchen counter. A head of wavy blonde hair turns to him, and his face lights up in a smile.  
  
"Jo! What are you doing here?" Castiel has only met her three times in the past six years, but she still comes toward him for a hug, which he awkwardly returns.  
  
'Well, I've been wanting to visit you guys for a while now. My mom said I could come here as a sort-of graduation gift. Although, I'm not sure Dean's ugly mug here is much of a gift," Jo jokes.  
  
"Hey! You're the only one in this room who thinks my face isn't a gift. Isn't that right, Cas?" Dean says, curling an arm around Castiel's waist and giving him a kiss on the cheek. Oh right. They're supposed to be acting like a couple right now, and Jo's looking at the two of them with a thoughtful expression.  
  
"You know, Sam always told me that you two would end up a couple one day, and I never really believed him. But with the way Dean's been talking you up the past couple hours, Cas, I can't help but be really happy for you guys," Jo smiles sincerely. Surely Dean was just talking about Castiel since he wanted to keep up the appearance of them dating?  
  
Castiel also realizes that for Jo to give them her blessing, she must really mean it. Dean told Castiel about how Jo had been infatuated by him when they were younger, and she even went so far as to kiss him when Dean visited home five years ago. He remembers Dean telling him about it back then.  
  
Obviously, she must have moved forward from Dean, but Castiel can't blame her at all for her previous feelings. It's hard not to fall for Dean Winchester.   
  
Dean's hand squeezes even tighter around his waist, and butterflies bloom in Castiel's stomach. "Yeah, well Cas and me go together like peanut butter and jelly. Isn't that right, baby?" Dean asks him.  
  
Castiel rolls his eyes affectionately. "You know, you're still the lamest person I know, Dean." Jo gives a snort at Castiel's words.

  
"Ain't that the truth. Now are we gonna eat these pizzas for what?" Jo takes both pizza boxes and heads to the living room with Castiel in tow.  
  
"Hey Jo! You want a beer or are you not old enough for it yet?" Dean jokes, still in the kitchen. Jo just raises the middle finger behind her, and Dean must see it since he laughs in response.  
  
A couple minutes later, they've all arranged themselves on one couch, with Dean in the middle of Jo and Castiel. Both he and Jo go to grab a slice from the Hawaiian pizza, while Dean just gives them both a disgusted look.  
  
"Don't know how you guys eat that fruity stuff. I like my pizza with lots of meat on it," Dean says, taking a slice of his meat lover's pizza.  
  
"Yeah, that's not the only meaty thing you like," Jo retorts. Castiel almost spits out the sip of beer he took, and even Dean's cheeks turn red. When Jo sees this, she laughs at their expressions.   
  
"You're a jerk, Jo." Dean goes to shove at her shoulder. Jo opens her mouth to say another smartass comment, but Dean shuts her down before she can. "I know what you're gonna say, Jo, so please don't."   
  
"Alright, alright. I'll leave you two alone for now." Jo chews her pizza, and the room is silent for a couple minutes as Castiel takes the remote to channel surf through the TV. He's never really gotten the opportunity to get to know Jo, so maybe this can be his chance to do that.   
  
"So, Jo. How long are you intending on staying here?" Castiel asks.  
  
"My flight back home is late Wednesday night. I woulda stayed longer, but I got another trip planned with a couple friends after this one," Jo informs, taking a swig of her beer.  
  
"Friends? Are you sure one of these isn't a boyfriend? Or a girlfriend?" Dean presses, waggling his eyebrows.  
  
Jo rolls her eyes. "Please, Dean. I'll save the bisexuality for you. And no, I'm not seeing anyone right now. Maybe you should hook me up with a hot hospital intern."   
  
Castiel huffs a laugh. "I'm ninety-nine percent sure you don't wanna get tangled in the amount of drama that goes on in the hospital. It's basically like that medical drama Dean's obsessed with."  
  
"You mean Dr. Sexy M.D.? You still watch that shit, Dean?" Jo laughs.  
  
"It's a guilty pleasure! And the cast has impeccable acting skills, like Emmy worthy stuff," Dean defends.  
  
"Oh please. Anyone can fake a relationship on TV," Jo dismisses. For a second, Castiel panics, but then he and Dean awkwardly glance at each other and both let out a laugh.   
  
The evening passes in the same way, and Castiel feels a pleasant rush flowing through his veins by the end of the night. His shift tomorrow doesn't begin until eight in the morning, but he still has to sleep early, which is why he decides to turn in by eleven.   
  
"I'm gonna head to bed, guys. And thank you again for being here, Jo," Castiel waves. He ambles to the hallway, but he pauses when he thinks about where Jo will be sleeping.  
  
Wait. He and Dean are supposed to be together. Which means they should be sharing one bed together. Which means that Jo is going to get suspicious when Castiel goes to sleep in his own bed, so maybe he should sleep in Dean's? Unless Dean wants to sleep in Castiel's room, and he wants Jo to sleep in his room? Damn, he really should have talked to Dean about this.  
  
For now, he figures he'll go into Dean's room and borrow a pair of pajamas for the night, just in case his stuff's not in his room and Jo wonders why he's going in there.   
  
Dean shouldn't mind if he borrows some clothes; they've done it before, and even though they haven't done it in a while, it shouldn't make Dean raise any eyebrows. In case it does, Castiel can just blame it on trying to keep up the dating illusions. It's also not his fault if he brings the cotton shirt to his nose to get a scent of the smell that's so undeniably Dean: leathery and like woodchips after rainfall.   
  
The room to the bedroom cracks open before he can move to the bathroom, and he's staring straight on at Dean.  
  
"Hey, uh I guess you're wondering what we're gonna do about the whole sleeping situation," Dean guesses. He moves further into the room, and also adds. "And don't worry, Jo went to brush her teeth and stuff before bed. I figured we could use the time to talk." Okay, so Castiel wouldn't be getting sleeping early tonight.   
  
"I was thinking about that, actually. Are we staying in my room or yours?" Castiel tries to ignore the rapid tempo of his heart when he asks the question.   
  
"Jo called me before she went on her flight, so I could pick her up at the right time. I mean, I was surprised as hell, but luckily I thought about our sleeping arrangements beforehand. I'm quick like that sometimes." Dean grins at him.  
  
"You have proven to think ahead sometimes. It's one of the things I admire most about you," Castiel jokes. There are a lot of things Castiel admires about Dean. His compassion, wit, protective nature, and commitment. He refrains from saying these things though.  
  
"Right. But anyways, I figured Jo might think something was up if we weren't sleeping in the same room, so I moved all your stuff into here? I mean, I coulda moved my stuff to your room, but my room is the bigger one, and I also have a memory foam mattress, so I didn't really wanna leave that. Of course, if you're not comfortable, we could go to your room instead, and I could make up some story about how we want Jo to sleep in the bigger room and _—_ "  
  
"Dean, you can stop rambling. I'll be fine in this room, and besides, my mattress isn't the most comfortable." Castiel has gone to work with a bad back sometimes, and it wasn't just because he woke up on the wrong side of the bed. He's been meaning to replace it, but his life's been so hectic that he hasn't had a chance.  
  
"You sure? I wanna make sure you're comfortable."  
  
"And I want to make sure you're comfortable," Castiel parrots, looking back and forth between Dean's grassy eyes. In the dim light, he sees nothing but concern in them. Concern that Castiel probably doesn't even deserve. "Please, Dean. I'll be fine, honestly. If it makes you more comfortable, I'll sleep on the floor."  
  
Dean snorts inelegantly. "Yeah, over my dead body. If anyone's gonna be sleeping on the floor, it's gonna be me. I can live without the memory foam for a couple nights. And besides, I have off again tomorrow and you don't, so you need the sleep more than I do. I guess Jo really talked to Jody and planned her visit out, huh? I gotta work a twelve hour on Saturday, but then I got only eight hour shifts all week, starting from Sunday."   
  
"That is great planning. But really, Dean, I'll take the floor if I have to. It's not the worst thing I'll ever have to do. I'll even sneak out and sleep on the couch if I have to, as long as I wait until Jo falls asleep. I'll probably be up before her anyways, so it should be no problem." Castiel sets the clothing in his hands on the bed, but lifts the cover to reveal his pillow beside Dean's in the bed, and at this point, he can hear his heartbeat thudding in his ears. It's a perfect picture of everything he can't have; everything he won't allow himself to have, not if he wants to lose his best friend.   
  
It's not that he doesn't trust himself in the same bed as Dean. He's learned to tap down on his affections, so he would never make an unwanted move on Dean while in the same bed. He'd rather his hands be severed off. It's just that he doesn't want to place them in a situation that would make things awkward for them. So he lifts the pillow out of the bed and tucks it under one arm, ready to put it on the floor next to Dean's bookshelf.  
  
Although, Dean's insistent. "Castiel, put that pillow back on that bed, or so help me god." Dean marches over to him and takes the pillow out of his hand to put back next to Dean's. He then arches an eyebrow at Castiel, as if daring him to stand up against Dean.   
  
"Dean, just let me take the floor."  
  
"Cas, as your best friend, you know I'm not gonna let you do that. We can just share the bed. It's not like we haven't done it before. Remember those first few weeks in the old apartment?" Castiel remembers them well. They hadn't been able to take Castiel's mattress from his dorm room, so they'd had to share Dean's mattress until they could purchase a new one. Of course, if Castiel's love for Dean could be simplified into a metaphor, then at that point, his affections had only been a tiny spark. Now they were a powerful flame, consuming every part of Castiel until every atom of him was caught in its wrath. He'd learned to except the fire a long time ago, however.   
  
"Okay, I suppose we can stay on the same bed. As long as I get the right side," Castiel relents, pushing his pillow into place.  
  
"You know, I actually prefer the left side. Maybe this won't be too horrible."  
  
"It won't be too horrible as long as you don't turn into an octopus in the middle of the night. I recall waking up with you wrapped around my limbs one morning," Castiel remembers. He'd been so confused, but he was selfish and went back to sleep in his arms. Dean had been gone when he woke up later, and they never really mentioned it again. Sometimes he's sure he dreamt it, but then Dean shudders.   
  
"Oh god, I remember that morning. People in the past have told me that I do that sometimes, Dean says with a grin.  
  
"Please, don't compare me to your previous conquests. I'd rather not know," Castiel jokes, but Dean just laughs and goes to his cabinet.

"Alright, now that that's settled. I'm gonna change into my jammies too. I'm beat."  
  
At this, they hear the bathroom door open, Castiel picks up his clothes to go change and brush, but the door of Dean's bedroom creaks open before he can go.  
  
"I'm hoping you two are decent because I'm coming in!" Jo announces before appearing in the room. She gives a critical look around and nods in approval. "Not a bad room for two guys. Looks clean."  
  
"Please, this place is perfectly spotless, and you know that Harvelle," Dean points out. She nods again and moves to examine the room further.   
  
"It's a pretty nice room, though." She walks around the room before giving them both a glance. "I'm gonna go to bed now though. That flight wasn't the best time, and I'm fucking beat. If you two wanna get down and dirty though, do me a favor and wait till I'm asleep and can't hear anything that'll scar me for life." She walks to the doorway. "Shouldn't be a problem though. I'm usually out like a light." She continues out the door and hollers, "Night, guys!"   
  
Dean and Castiel both echo a 'goodnight' before Castiel hops into the bathroom. He comes back into the room as Dean takes the chance to go to the bathroom too. In the meantime, Castiel takes a quicker look at the books Dean has on his mahogany bookshelf. He recognizes the wide assortment of Vonnegut and smiles to himself. His fingers move of their own accord to brush along the spines of books. Most of them are battered and worn, as if Dean bought them from a thrift store, or he's reread them numerous times. Probably both.  
  
"You've still kept all these from your old apartment?" Castiel asks Dean without turning around once Dean returns. He remembers seeing these back in that second year of med school and having a conversation with Dean about his favorite. He had always favored  _Mother Night_ , while Dean liked  _Slaughterhouse Five_  the best.   
  
"Yeah. Can't part with the classics, you know?" Dean answers. Castiel turns back to him as Dean climbs under the thin covers.   
  
The apartment is still a little drafty, even though it's the middle of May, so they both use a tiny sheet to cover themselves. Castiel raises the covers and sinks into his side, making sure not to come anywhere near where Dean's sleeping.   
  
"Come on, Cas. I'm not gonna bite or anything," Dean says as he turns out the light. The room falls into shadows, enveloping everything into the darkness. From the streets below, he hears a couple cars passing by, but other than that, it's quiet.   
  
Castiel's also holding his breath as he inches closer to where Dean sleeps on the bed. After a couple minutes, he calms his heart rate down, telling himself to ignore the warmth radiating in waves off of Dean's body. A couple minutes later, he closes his eyes and focuses on keeping his mind blank. A couple minutes later, he's fast asleep, dreaming in red, orange, and bursts of blue and yellow: the very fire he feels beneath his veins.

\- - -

When Castiel wakes up, it's to the feeling of an arm thrown around his waist, and to hair tickling the back of his neck. He blinks his sleep crusted eyes and sees that he's facing a glass window, one that doesn't look familiar to him.  
  
He panics for a moment before realizes he went to sleep in Dean's bed, which must mean it's Dean breathing onto his shoulder, and it's Dean with his hand curled around Castiel. Which must also mean that it's Dean's semi-hard-on that's nudging at Castiel's back. Oh god.   
  
Not wanting to wake Dean, he tries to detach Dean's arm from his waist, but his mouth is dry, and his hands are shaky. He manages to successfully remove Dean's arm though, and he carefully pushes himself off the side of the bed. Once he catches himself on the floor, he stands up to take a look at how Dean's sleeping.   
  
Somehow, Dean managed to infiltrate the center of the bed in the middle of the night, and he's curled in on himself, sleeping in the shape of an apostrophe. Castiel allows himself another second of looking at the peaceful picture Dean makes before he deems himself creepy and leaves the room.   
  
He stumbles into the bathroom to pee and brush his teeth, then goes straight into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. Every time his mind wanders back to the sensation of Dean at his back, he pushes the feeling away at once. He can't dwell on that or else he'll end up going insane.   
  
Once he enters the kitchen, he startles once he sees that the room isn't vacant.   
  
"Hello, Jo. What are you doing up so early? It's only seven," Castiel wonders, making for the coffee pot. Luckily, his body is used to waking up early, or else he would have missed his shift today since he forgot to set his alarm. On his days off, he usually wakes up early but allows himself to fall back asleep.  
  
"Yeah, well, I slept on the flight here, so I had a couple hours already. And plus, I figured this is the only time I'm ever gonna get you alone." Castiel raises an eyebrow at her as he goes to make his coffee. He's lucky that waking up beside Dean made him alert, or who knows how grouchy he would be right now.  
  
"Why would you need to get me alone?"  
  
"Because I know that Dean's never gonna tell me the truth when I ask him how he's doing, so I gotta ask you. How is he doing? You know, about his Dad and everything," Jo whispers, as if Dean will wake up at any moment.  
  
"Dean's been doing okay. I mean, it's just been more of the same thing. He's opted to keep his father going for a few more months."  
  
Castiel remembers when he and Sam had urged Dean to go visit a psychiatrist. Dean had relented and gone for a few months last year, and the appointments had been good for him. They didn't change the fact that Dean still blamed himself, but they definitely helped him. Castiel especially urged Dean to go to them, since he didn't want Dean to fall into a lull and lose himself in what happened. It would break Dean if he was declared unfit for his job.  
  
Jo lets out a sigh. "I worry about him. We all do, back at home. He's a good person; he didn't deserve to go through all the shit he went through."  
  
Castiel hums. "You and I think that, but that's not what he thinks."  
  
"Yeah well, you take care of him, okay?"  
  
"Of course." They both fall into silence as they take another sip of coffee, Castiel realizing he didn't add enough sugar in his. So for once, it leaves a bitter aftertaste in his mouth that stays for him the rest of the day. 


	8. Tethered

It's strange to be wearing jeans in the hospital, but he easily navigates through the hallways with Jo following him. She's been here for a few days now, and it's just another Sunday afternoon. Dean's shift had been from seven to three today, and he invited Jo over at three so she could come visit John.  
  
She'd never had the chance to come, since she's always been sidetracked with college, so now Dean was bringing her.  
  
Of course, the last time he'd been in here himself had been early March. It's not that he had been avoiding seeing his dad, it's just that he's been pretty busy.  
  
But okay, most of its because he's been avoiding it.  
  
They both round a corner into the ICU ward, and Dean's fingers begin to fidget with the ID badge he had pinned to his shirt. He had changed out of his scrubs, but kept the badge so he wouldn't have to ask someone to escort him there.   
  
He's been here so many times, it's like his feet are walking there by themselves.  
  
When they reach the door, the silence has dragged on long enough, but he still pushes the door open, taking a deep breath as he steps in.   
  
Nothing's changed, obviously. The room smells sterile, with the window letting little light into the place. John's other roommate had been checked out last month, as Tessa had relayed to him when he spoke to her the other day. Having her be the nurse on John's case has been a bonus, since they're good friends.   
  
He's brought back to the present when Jo inhales sharply. "So this is where John's at, huh?" Jo practically whispers, looking to Dean.  
  
"Yeah, this is where he's at."  
  
"Anything new about his condition?" Jo prompts.  
  
"No, just more of the same. I don't know if that's good or bad, at this point." John Winchester lies in the hospital bed, hooked up to various drips, with a heart monitor beeping away. Though the beats are steady, Dean knows that doesn't mean anything. Coma caused by a subdural hematoma, which basically means that there's blood collected in tissues that surround the brain. It also means that the doctor's don't know if and when John will wake up.  
  
See, Dean's been paying to keep John plugged in because he knows to never give up on family, even though his family probably gave up on him. Sometimes, though, Dean wonders if keeping John going is just like beating a dead horse.   
  
For now, he just can't let go. Not that John would have won any father of the year awards anytime soon, but Dean knows that he needs to wait it out a little. Tessa had once told him that miracles happen, but there doesn't seem to be any in store for his future.   
  
"Well," Jo says, slumping into a chair beside the bed, "there's always a hope of him waking up, right?"  
  
Dean sits in the chair next to her and snorts. "Yeah, maybe. Don't know if John's gonna even wanna wake up at this point. I mean, more than a year of your life gone? Hell, gay marriage wasn't even legal when John went under."  
  
"Wait a second. Did you ever tell John about your sexuality?" Jo broaches. Crap, Dean hadn't even thought of that. His dad was already disappointed in him because of his profession, and he'd probably go back into a coma if he woke up and found out Dean's dating a guy. Well, if he wakes up within the next few weeks.  
  
Not that Dean hasn't been thinking about asking Cas out for real after this gala crap is behind them. He's been fiddling with the idea for a while, but around five this morning, he'd been jolted out of his sleep. When he blinked his eyes open, he noticed that Cas had turned toward the center of the bed during the night, and Dean had also turned toward the center. Their legs had been tangled under the blankets, and with the scarce moonlight, all he'd been able to make out was the way Cas' face looked relaxed in his slumber. So yeah, that left a gigantic smile on his face as he fell back asleep, and all he could think to himself was damn, I'm gonna miss this when Jo leaves.   
  
Although, asking Castiel out meant the possible risk of Cas rejecting him, and things between them getting awkward. It was just a crush though, so even if Castiel did say no, then it'd be a month tops for Dean to get over it. Maybe even a couple weeks.  
  
But that's neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is, if Dean does quit acting like a wimp and finally does ask him out, his father would still lose his shit if he woke up. He'd be happy for Sammy though, and that's a gigantic plus.  
  
The what if's continue to float around his brain as he realizes Jo is staring at him. "Dean? You okay?" She sounds concerned.  
  
"I'm fine, sorry. But no, John doesn't know that I swing both ways. Never had the right chance to tell him, and I didn't want to either. Of course, now things are a little different."  
  
"Yeah, well if he does ever wake up, the world's gonna be a totally different place for him. I mean, Sam's engaged, you're in a steady relationship, and Ellen and Bobby got hitched last year." That last one makes Dean smile, remembering the phone call he got from Bobby last year. In February, they decided to finally get settled down, not that they hadn't already been living together for ten years. Hell, Dean can still remember when he'd been in high school and found out Bobby and Ellen were seeing each other.  
  
The catalyst for their marriage had been John's accident, actually. Bobby had said he wanted Ellen to officially become his family, in case an accident like that happened, god forbid, to him or Ellen. So they'd gotten married in front of a judge and celebrated with free beer from the Roadhouse.   
  
"Yeah well, Ellen and Bobby are like the power couple in our fucked up family," Dean snorts, looking to Jo's eyes.  
  
"Actually, I think that spot's gonna get handed to Sam and Jess when they tie the knot. Maybe even you and Cas one day," Jo shrugs. The thought of him and Castiel becoming something serious and concrete has his blood rushing a little quicker. God, he has a giant crush like he's back in middle school.  
  
"Well, you know, it's your turn to get settled down. Find a nice man to marry and become a Stepford wife," Dean jokes.  
  
"Please, I'd be the last person to become a Stepford wife. And besides, I told you to introduce me to a couple of your doctor friends," Jo winks.  
  
"Most of the people here are a little older than you're used to, but fine I'll let you meet some tomorrow. I mean, you already know Charlie and Benny, for starters." Dean pauses, taking a look at the frail body of his father. His skin looks as thin as paper, and most of its color has faded. John looks like a ghost of the person he once was, with weakened muscles and ghastly features. Nothing like the man who threw a beer bottle at him the night before he left for New York.  
  
He knows that, in a way, the bastard deserved what he got. That still doesn't mean Dean doesn't love his father in some way. God, maybe everyone's right about how unhealthy he's being about this.  
  
"Yeah, well I meant people that were available," Jo sighs, picking at her fingernails.  
  
"Well, tell you what? There's this big memorial day barbecue happening at Bela's house tomorrow, and she basically invited the entire hospital staff. You can come with me and Cas, maybe scope out someone?" Jo nods vigorously at his words.  
  
"On the off chance that I do meet anyone, no one's gonna wanna keep up a long distance relationship. So maybe just find someone for one night, yeah?"  
  
"God, Jo, you're like my little sister. The last thing I wanna hear about is the sex you're having with one of my coworkers."  
  
"It's just hypothetical sex," Jo says, standing up from her seat. "For now, at least. But now come on, let's go get something to eat or something. It feels creepy talking about this stuff while your dad is literally comatose next to us."  
  
"You're right." Dean gets up too, sparing his father one last glance before walking out of the room behind Jo. His jeans make that uncomfortable swishing noise as he walks through the halls, and it's throwing him off again.  
  
He breathes a sigh of relief as he exits the hospital, Jo chattering away next to him.

\- - -

"There's no way we're going in matching shirts, Cas." Dean crosses his arms across his chest, raising an eyebrow at Castiel's attire. Somehow, both he and Cas managed to pick out henley's to wear, with Dean's being tan and Cas' being gray. "I'm not letting us be that couple."  
  
"Fine, then you go back inside and change," Cas begrudges.  
  
"No way! I changed into this first, so you go back and change." Dean meets Castiel's glare with one of his own, until Dean sighs. "How about we flip a coin?"  
  
"Excellent idea. I'll take tails." Castiel follows Dean into the living room, looking for a coin. They see Jo seated on the couch, texting away on her phone.  
  
"Hey, Jo! You have a coin we can borrow?" Dean asks. Jo begins to dig through her purse without looking up, and when she does find a penny and glances up, she bursts into laughter.  
  
"Oh my god, please don't tell me you guys are that couple," Jo teases, still laughing.  
  
"See Cas? I told you one of us has to change." He takes the coin from Jo's offered fingers and waves it around. "See? Change!"  
  
"That was the worst pun I've ever heard in my entire life, Dean Winchester. Remind me again why I'm dating you," Castiel groans.   
  
"Because you love me," Dean says without thinking. He realizes his mistake too late and looks to Castiel to see his eyes have turned into wide saucers. Castiel blinks then, and his expression shifts back into amusement. Dean's palms start sweating when Castiel replies.  
  
"Of course. Now just flip the coin," Cas sighs, rolling his eyes. The _of course_  has his breath catching, even though Dean knows that Cas only said it to not raise suspicion from Jo. Cas can't possibly love him in that way, right? It's not like Dean's in love with him too, right?   
  
He chooses not to dwell on that, and instead he flips the coin, gritting his teeth when it lands on tails. "Looks like I'm changing." Dean walks quickly into the room and pulls on a plaid shirt, trying so hard not to think about the l-word, but his mind keeps bouncing back to it. He can't do this right now; he has a barbecue to get to. So he just throws on his green and brown plaid, layering a tan shirt underneath and steps back into the living room. "Alright, time to eat some burgers!" Dean announces as he puts on his shoes and unlocks the door. He tries not to notice how his hands are shaking on the knob.   
  
Once all three of them are outside, he calms down a little, with the afternoon breeze warming his body. Most people only had half a shift today, since it was Memorial Day, so Dean finished up at three, with Cas finishing at four. Now it's five, and Dean was itching to get to Bela's house to eat some grub.  
  
Now, he wasn't the best of friends with Bela. In fact, their relationship consisted of throwing barbed insults at each other. Though, he knows most of the hospital staff is going, and Bela told Castiel to come, so what harm can it be?   
  
After Cas pulls up some directions, they figure out which subway line to take, and then make the rest of the journey using a cab, since a subway can only take them so far.   
  
Bela's house is on the Upper East Side, which is no surprise considering how wealthy she is. The houses they pass by get grander and grander, until Dean's convicted he's landed himself in Beverly Hills when the cab stops at a grandiose mansion. It has an iron gate, complete with a four pillars coming down on the entrance to the house. His eyes almost bug out of his head. Looks like she must have had no trouble paying off her tuition fees.  
  
"Holy shit. What kind of friends do you guys have?" Jo exclaims, awestruck at the house in front of her. It's Castiel who begins making his way to the house, choosing to go on the stone pathway that leads to the backyard rather than ring the doorbell. When the three of them get to the back, they see that there's around forty people there, though the backyard has more than enough space to accommodate them all. It's Charlie who sees them first, however.   
  
"Hey guys! Isn't this place awesome?" She greets, even leaning forward to hug Jo. The two had just seen each other on Friday night, but they still embrace each other tightly.   
  
"This place is fucking incredible. Though, where's the girl Bela that owns this place? Cas was telling me that she lives here alone?" Jo questions.   
  
"Yeah, I heard that she lives by herself, but she's also got a maid that comes and cleans for her. She's everything I aspire to be in life," Charlie grins. "Come on, you wanna go grab some drinks with me? There's a bar next to the pool." Charlie drags Jo away with her until it's just Dean and Cas standing there.  
  
Dean licks his lips as he turns to Cas. "So you wanna grab a beer first or do you wanna go find some more people?"  
  
Cas seems to stare at Dean's face before he answers. "Definitely beer first." The two of them head to a cooler that holds chilled beer rather than going across to the fancy bar that's next to the pool. Cas grabs a bottle both for himself and Dean, cracking them open with the bottle opener beside the cooler, and then the they're both walking around to find someone they know. Luckily, Dean spots Benny by one of the grills and goes over to him.   
  
"Benny! Nice to see you here, man." Dean pats Benny's shoulder and the bearded man turns to him, a wide smile on his face.   
  
"Fancy seeing you guys here, too," Benny drawls. A brunette to his right turns her head, and it ends up being Andrea.   
  
"Boys," she greets.  
  
"Hello, Andrea. How are you doing?" Castiel asks, moving across to talk to her. While the two of them are chatting, Dean focuses on Benny, who's grilling burgers. As Benny presses down on them with a spatula, Dean's mouth begins to water.   
  
"Benny, you better serve me up one of those before my stomach implodes."  
  
Benny chuckles. "Yeah, yeah. They should be done in a couple more minutes." He looks around Dean. "Where's that feisty blonde of yours?"  
  
"Ah, Charlie nabbed Jo a couple minutes ago. They're gonna be doing shots together by the end of the night," Dean laughs.  
  
"They probably will be. I promised Andrea I wouldn't drink too much tonight, since she can't have any."  
  
"Well aren't you just the best husband ever?" Dean teases, grinning at Benny. They pass the time it takes for the burgers to cook with random conversation until Dean is biting into a spicy burger that has him moaning out loud.   
  
"Easy there, Dean. Save some of those noises for Cas," Benny jokes. Cas chooses that moment to bite into his own burger and makes similar noises to Dean. "I swear, the pair the two of you make," Benny says, shaking his head.   
  
Dean's on the last bite of his burger when he sees Bela, who seems to be making a beeline for where they're standing. Wrapped around her arm is a man that Dean recognizes, but he can't seem to place the face.   
  
"Hello, gentlemen," Bela says. Dean looks around and notices that Andrea has drifted off, so it's just the three of them standing here. "I'd like to introduce you Michael, one of my good friends."   
  
Once she says the name, everything clicks into place in Dean's head. This is the guy that he met on that park bench the day he found out Sammy was engaged, but that happened well over a month ago. He wonders if Michael remembers him too.   
  
"Michael, meet Benny Lafitte," Bela gestures to Benny, who waves a hand at Michael. "And this is Castiel and his boyfriend Dean," she points out. Dean realizes there's something wrong when he sees how Michael's brows are furrowed as he looks back and forth between Dean and Cas. But what could be wrong?  
  
"I've actually met Dean previously one day," Michael mentions in his smooth, crisp voice.   
  
"Oh really? Then I'll leave you here while I go find Victor," Bela says before leaving.   
  
"Yeah, I better go see where Andrea's ran off to," Benny mumbles as he also wanders away. Then it's just Dean, Cas, and the mysterious Michael left staring at each other.   
  
"So how long have you two been seeing each other?" Is the first thing Michael asks. Dean frowns, since that's a weird way to open a conversation. Then, his mind suddenly flickers back to that day in the park. Michael had asked him if he'd had a boyfriend or girlfriend that day too, and Dean had replied saying that he was unattached. Fuck, Cas is gonna say that they've been dating for months and then Michael's gonna know something's up.  
  
Before Dean can say anything, Castiel answers in a wary voice. "About seven months." Dean tries his best to keep a straight face, but then Michael's face lights up in a fake smile and all Dean can think is that he knows.   
  
"Oh really? That's wonderful, I mean you guys seem like a great couple. I've only moved here a few months ago myself, actually."  
  
"Really? Did you know Bela before you came here or did you recently meet?" Castiel asks. He must not seem to notice how tense Dean has gotten.  
  
"It was actually Bela who told me to move here. She told me she knew a good place for me to work. I'm a college professor," Michael explained.   
  
"Oh, well then how did you and Dean meet?"   
  
"Ah, we actually met in the park one day. It had been a short conversation, however."  
  
"To be honest, I don't remember most of it," Dean adds, wrapping his arm around Cas' waist, the warmth of him doing wonders to calm Dean's nerves, but he takes a deep breath, knowing that he's going to have to have this conversation with only Michael. "Hey, Cas, can you go find catch up with Jo? Bring her a burger, too," Dean pleads turning to Castiel. Since they've known each other for the better part of six years, Castiel's probably learned to read Dean's signals by now, so he stiffens and raises an eyebrow at Dean. Dean just nods slightly, signaling that it's okay for Cas to leave him alone, so he does. But not before leaving a quick kiss on Dean's cheek that has him relaxing again.  
  
"So," Michael starts once Cas is out of sight, "that's your boyfriend. Funny how you didn't mention him before when I asked you out."  
  
"I still turned you down, though," Dean challenges.  
  
"That you did, but I'm very sure you said you had no boyfriend. So I'm gonna do my best to get to the bottom of this. Either you're not into Castiel as much as he seems to be into you, or the two of you have some kind of game going on." And Dean feels dread rush through him at Michael's words. If he mentions this to anyone, then it will either make him look like a cheater or make the truth about Dean and Castiel's relationship come out, and he can't have either happening.   
  
"Listen, I was in a bad mood that day. Me and Cas are perfectly happy together."  
  
"Really? Because it seems to me that you two are a bit too casual for two people in love."  
  
"What's it gonna take for me to prove it to you that we're together and happy? Why do you even care?" Dean bites out.  
  
"See, it's not that I want to date you, although the idea doesn't seem too off putting. It's that I have a firm belief in honesty, so I'll do my best to bring the truth out to everyone."  
  
"Whatever, do what you want. But I promise you that you aren't gonna find jack shit when it comes to lies."  
  
"I'll believe it when I see it for myself, Dean," Michael says as he departs. Dean's left feeling queasy and a lot scared. He needs another beer.   
  
Once another bottle is nestled in his hand, he goes off in search of Cas and finds him with Charlie and Jo. Castiel looks to him as if he wants to talk, but Dean just shakes his head. Though Cas drops it, Dean can't seem to get it off his mind for the rest of the evening. He's so caught up in it that he's almost shaking when Michael comes back.   
  
At this point, the party is in full swing, since the sun has set and there's lot of food in their stomachs. Dean's stomach in particular has a multitude of food in it, along with three beers, so he's definitely a lot looser than before. Cas and him are sitting down in a circle with Jo, Charlie, Benny, Andrea, Bela, Victor, Michael, and even Ruby at a large picnic table with five of them on each side. Dean's frightened that Michael's gonna mention something, but the leg Castiel has pressing against Dean's keeps him grounded.   
  
"You know, sitting like this has me itching to play spin the bottle," Ruby jokes.   
  
"Considering that most of us are already in a relationship, something tells me that wouldn't fare well, isn't that right, Dean?" Michael laughs, looking to him.  
  
"I'm pretty sure Cas would cut a bitch if anyone even got near Dean," Charlie says, making every nod in assent.   
  
"That is very true, Charlie. Too bad Gilda isn't here for you," Jo sighs. As Jo and Charlie talk to each other, Benny and Andrea start up their own conversation too.   
  
"Where's your sister, Castiel?" Victor presses, leaning forward across the circle.  
  
"Oh, she's spending the evening with her boyfriend's family," Castiel answers.  
  
"That's a pleasant way to spend the day. It's always nice to see people loyal to their significant others," Michael cuts in.  
  
"Yes, I suppose," Castiel says confusedly, and that is it. Michael's just waiting to spill the beans about what Dean said, if the smug smile on his face is anything to go by, and Dean won't have any of that. It's time to prove to him once and for all that Dean's a committed guy, even if it all may be pretend.   
  
"Cas, you wanna come grab another beer with me? Please?" He adds, stressing for Castiel to follow. The blue eyed man nods and lifts himself off the ground, following Dean to the cooler that lies a few yards away.  
  
"Something tells me this isn't about getting another beer." Castiel raises his eyebrows at Dean. "You've been off the entire night, Dean. Spill."   
  
Dean lets out a sigh. "Alright, you know that guy Michael? Well we were in the park last month, and he may have asked me if I was dating anyone, and I may have said no," Dean confesses.  
  
"Did he ask you that before asking you out for a date?" Castiel asks calmly, though he's biting his lip as if worried for Dean's answer.  
  
"Well, yes, but it's not like I actually said yes to the guy. The point it's, he knows something's up with our relationship, and if we don't prove we're completely committed to each other, he's gonna spill the beans to everyone. He thinks he's some kind of messiah," Dean divulges. Castiel furrows his brow in thought as Dean tries to think quickly of what they could do.  
  
Dean could go back there and tell stories about him and Cas dating or he could get Charlie or Jo to say some cavity-inducing things about them too. Maybe they can even hug or something?   
  
Cas is still deep in thought when Dean finds the perfect solution, except his throat dries even as he says the words. "Cas, kiss me while Michael's looking."  
  
"What?" Castiel blurts out, looking at a loss for words.  
  
"We gotta prove that we're a thing, and the best way to do that is kiss, unless you want things to start getting NC-17, so just plant one on me. I mean, I haven't kissed anyone in months, but I promise you it won't be too horrible." But Castiel's still looking uncertain so Dean rushes to add, "If you're comfortable with it and everything, I mean I totally understand if—" Dean cuts off as Castiel's hand fists into the shirt Dean's wearing, and then he's being hauled forward, his eyes slipping closed of their own volition as his lips meet Castiel's.

At first, Dean's unresponsive at the suddenness, but then he tilts his head a little to the right, and then he's kissing back with everything he's got. He feels the warm press of Cas' lips as Dean lets his fingers drift off into the hair at the base of the shorter man's head to sink his fingers into.   
  
It feels like Dean's on fire; he can feel his heartbeat pounding in his ears. He can feel his blood rushing through him, heat bounding through his veins. It's like devouring and being devoured at once, the insistent press of Cas' lips burning him whole.    
  
Then for a beat, they both still, and Dean thinks it's over already, but then he decides to go big or go home, so he licks along the bottom of Castiel's lips, feeling where Cas had worried his teeth over it earlier, and Castiel slips his mouth open at once. When his tongue delves into Castiel's mouth, Dean tastes remnants of the beer they'd both been drinking, and something else that he can't quite put his finger on. It just adds more fuel to the fire inside of him.  
  
After a moment, they both break away to breathe, Cas' hand falling from Dean's chest, and Dean's leaving Cas' hair. As his heart calms, he becomes aware of the raucous mess that his friends are making. He and Cas both whip around to cheers and catcalls coming from the rowdy group, and Dean feels his cheeks heat.  
  
"Get a room you two!" Charlie exclaims, laughing. Dean's eyes trail over the group until the meets Michael's, who gives him the faintest nod, and then Michael gives him a grin.  
  
Relieved, Dean exhales. Crisis averted.  
  
However, when Cas turns his body back to Dean, a whole set of nerves unearth in him. Fuck, he was just making out with his best friend, and it's gonna change everything. Oh shit.  
  
Once they lock eyes though, Cas leans in closer to Dean and says, "I suppose that wasn't too horrible."   
  
Dean scoffs and hits him on the shoulder. "You're an ass." He doesn't voice how his body still feels overheated, his pulse still racing.  
  
This just leads Cas to cheekily smiling at him before bending down to the cooler. As he does so, Dean thinks that maybe they can both just move past this, especially since Cas seems to be acting like nothing catastrophic just happened. Maybe they can both come out of this unscathed, still able to act like friends that haven't kissed each other before.  
  
Dean's fine with that train of thought until Cas' fingers brush his when he hands Dean a can of beer, the simple touch making Dean almost gasp at the rush of warmth that floods his body.  
  
So much for coming out unscathed. 

\- - -

Jo goes up onto her tip-toes and wraps her arms around Dean's neck, hugging him tightly to her petite frame. Dean relaxes and hugs her back, sighing into her blonde hair.  
  
"I'm gonna miss you, Dean, as crazy as that sounds," Jo sighs.  
  
"Yeah, I'm gonna miss you too. Thanks for coming by."  
  
"Well next time," Jo says, breaking their hug, "it's your turn to come visit me, okay?"  
  
"Sure thing." Dean watches as Jo grasps the handle of her black carry-on and looks toward the gate. "Don't be a stranger, Jo."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Just make sure you take care of yourself and tell Cas I say bye too." Jo tells as she bites her lip. Cas had a shift this morning and couldn't come by to see Jo off, but the two had a nice goodbye yesterday. "Now I'm gonna get going before this shit starts getting too sappy, Winchester." Jo offers him a final wave before she starts walking away.  
  
Dean waits until she's out of sight, and then he sighs and begins to make his way out of the airport. He has a shift from one to eleven today, and it's currently ten, so he should be able to make it home and have a quick shower before he has to make it to the hospital.  
  
The cab ride home is lengthy and full of traffic, but Dean distracts himself by going through the events of what happened yesterday. They had all woken up in the early morning yesterday, but none of them had had hangovers, thankfully. Cas had a ten hour shift which he went to, whereas Dean had the day off, so he spent the day at the park with Jo, even going out for lunch together at a nice restaurant.  
  
Thanks to Jo, he hadn't been alone at all, which meant he hadn't had a chance to think about the kiss between him and Cas. Although, once he gets out of the cab and heads into his apartment, the air is finally quiet for his thoughts to barrel into him at full force.  
  
Sure, when Dean woke up on Monday morning, he considered the attraction he had to Cas to be nothing more than a crush. But he'd begun to doubt the shallowness of his feelings once he kissed him, since that rush he got was nothing he had ever experienced before. It was definitely more than a crush.   
  
Still, he doesn't want to think about it.  
  
So he steps into his shower, stripping his clothes off on the way. He turns the knob to the middle, intending on having a lukewarm shower. As soon as he steps into the water, however, he lets out a yelp at how cold it feels. Turning the knob ever farther to the left, he lets out a groan as the warm water hits him.  
  
His mind is blank for the most part, until he lets his hand wander down lower and lower to touch his cock, which hardens as he slips his hand along the length of it. The water beats down in a steady flow, and suddenly Dean's mind starts filling with thoughts.  
  
As he pumps his fist, he tries hard not to think about someone in particular, but then he recalls the warmth of Cas' mouth from when they'd kissed. How he'd tasted once he'd allowed Dean to slip his tongue in. The way Cas' hair had felt being pulled under Dean's fingers.  
  
His hand moves faster and faster, skimming over his tip before moving down further. Abruptly, he manages what it would feel like if Cas was here with him, kissing him the way he had that day, except this time, Cas was moving down the length of his body. Would he close his eyes as he took Dean's cock into his mouth, or would he keep them open so Dean was pierced at the sight of those blue eyes trained on him?  
  
At that thought, something begins to build up inside of Dean, until he's breathing heavily as he imagines pulling Cas back up to his face so he can kiss him and taste himself in Cas' mouth. Then he'd lean over and suck a bruise into Cas' collarbone, purple and prominent, and Cas would moan so beautifully in return, and oh holy fuck. He feels the coil inside of him snap, and then suddenly he's coming in thick streaks along the shower tiles, letting out a wordless cry.  
  
Once his breathing calms down, he stares down at his release circling the shower drain, trying not to shake when he realizes who exactly he just thought of.  
  
He's so screwed. 


	9. Watermark

Waking up in Dean's bed still feels foreign to him, but he's getting used to it.  
  
It's been a week since Jo left, except Castiel still hasn't moved back to his own bed. See, the day Jo left, Castiel had come home from a shift and collapsed into Dean's bed, since he had been too lazy to move his things back. Dean hadn't cared or complained.   
  
Then, Castiel came home from work the next day at a normal time, except Dean had claimed that it was too late for Castiel to move his things out that day too, so he would do it on Saturday when he had his day off.   
  
However, when Saturday came along, Dean suggested that they wash Castiel's sheets that Jo had been sleeping on so they'd be nice and clean. But when the sheets had been cleaned and dried on Sunday, Castiel had changed them and intended to climb into his own bed, but Dean had stopped him in the hallway and suggested that Castiel wait to move back in there until his things were cleaned out of Dean's room.  
  
But that was four days ago and neither of them have breached the topic since.  
  
It's become an unspoken agreement that Castiel sleep next to Dean, and Castiel hasn't been able to puzzle out why yet. He doesn't let himself hope that Dean's doing it because he has some sort of feelings for him.   
  
Maybe seeing Jo made him homesick or something so he enjoys the comfort of a warm body next to him. Maybe he likes waking up with someone. Whatever the reason, Castiel doesn't mind at all, but rather welcomes it.  
  
Dean's attitude toward Castiel though has been a little strange for the past couple days. For one, Dean's been doing his hardest not to accidentally touch Castiel. He also seems to spend less time with him, but that's probably just all in Castiel's head. At first, he assumed it was because of their kiss, that it had changed things for them, and Castiel was sure that it had ruined their friendship, but when he asked Dean about it on Friday night, he said it didn't change anything since it was just for show.  
  
That had stung a little. Okay, a lot.  
  
The rational part of Castiel's mind that was not as easily ruled by emotions had told him that this was the best response he could have gotten. They kissed and nothing changed. The moon didn't fall out of the sky, the planet didn't get consumed in flames, and dogs and cats did not rain out of the sky. Nothing happened.  
  
Well, nothing in terms of their relationship. For Castiel, it had been like rubbing salt on a wound. He had gotten a literal taste of something he wanted, but he didn't actually get it. Of course, Dean wasn't an object for him to possess, but he was in love with Dean. Of course he wanted to kiss him and curl up next to him. Though technically, he does get to sleep next to him. Which is another thing that makes little sense to Castiel: if Dean is uncomfortable being by Castiel, why would he allow Castiel to sleep beside him?  
  
The only logical answer is that Dean is his own enigma, which Castiel learned years ago. If only Dean would allow him in enough for him to solve it.  
  
Well, whatever the reason, here he is, putting on the thin trauma gown to go out and receive an emergency patient, and Dean Winchester is occupying most of his thoughts. Must be just another Thursday.  
  
"Okay, Dr. Novak and Dr. Henriksen, I need you two out there right now. We've got a big trauma coming in, and we're gonna need all the help we can get. I'm gonna go round up some more residents," Dr. Cain instructs before going off.  
  
"What's the trauma?" Castiel asks Victor.  
  
"Didn't you see it on the news a couple minutes ago? Fire in the breakroom of a building a few blocks away, and most of the floor went up in flames before they could stop it. Lots of people got hurt leaving the building and there's lots of burn victims too. It's horrible," Victor relays. Castiel nods in response and pushes the ER doors open to get outside. He sees tragedies every day, but big tragedies are the worst, since many victims means many families suffering.   
  
After a minute or so of waiting, he sees an ambulance approaching, and Victor goes ahead with the patient once the paramedic describes what the issue is. When the next ambulance arrives, Castiel springs forward to go collect the patient.  
  
"Tracy Bell. Twenty-six years old with second degree burns on her left side, on her upper arm, and torso. Her left lung also seems to be punctured. Her friend told us that she has asthma and inhaled too much smoke," the paramedic explains. Crap. He opts to get her lung treated first after he brings her into a trauma room.   
  
He cracks her chest open so he can insert a chest tube, and as Tracy gasps with wide eyes, Castiel curses. He turns to a nurse in the room.   
  
"Someone please page Cardio and get them down here. I think she might need lung surgery," Castiel orders as he gets to work looking at her left side. She seems to have fallen down, and she must have fallen on her left side, with her left hip taking most of the fall. He better get her down to have an x-ray too.  
  
He treats Tracy's burns as best as he can for the time being, but when Dr. Barnes comes by, she tells him that it's most important that Tracy goes upstairs to get her lung treated. Castiel nods and follows her up, his fingers tapping against his pocket as he waits for the elevator to open. Once it does, he heads up, hoping for the best. 

\- - -

"How did your surgery go, Castiel?" Hannah asks. He's taking a late lunch, since his surgery drifted off into the afternoon. Hannah was there when he walked into the cafeteria though, but he insisted that she come outside to eat with him. There was a spot in the courtyard that Dean once pointed out to him, telling him that it was the ideal spot to get away from the chaos when he needed to, and it had become their spot. However, he doesn't think that Dean should mind too much if Hannah is there with him. In fact, last summer, he, Dean, and Charlie had once sat out there during a night shift, and Charlie had fallen asleep right on the bench.  
  
"Oh, it went pretty well. A couple of complications, but nothing too drastic." Castiel takes another forkful of his Caesar salad before answering. "I just feel like today is one of the more difficult days at work."  
  
"You're right. Many people that were working in that building were just starting out. They don't need our pity, but it's like we can't help but feel sorry for them, you know?"  
  
"Yes, I understand you exactly," Castiel acknowledges as he eats. Sitting with Hannah is calming him after the difficult time he had been having at work. She had not been there the night of the barbecue, so she had been the most awake person, besides Anna, on the floor the day after Memorial Day. When Castiel had chatted with her later on, she told him that she heard the story about the display Dean and Castiel made during the barbecue, much to his dismay .  
  
Speaking of Dean, Castiel has been worrying about him all day. He had tried searching for him before he took his lunch break, but Dean was nowhere to be found on the Pediatric floor. A little over a year ago, a similar mass casualty involving fire had led to many burn patients, and Dean had struggled to keep himself together that day. It's just that Dean has trouble trying to separate what happened on the day his mother died in the nursery fire and present time.   
  
_"You don't know how many burns she had all over her, Cas, when they carried her out of the house," Dean had told him on that day. Dean had discussed the fire before, but never in so many details to Castiel. "And then a few minutes later, the paramedics told us that she was dead."_  
  
_"I can't imagine what they must have been like for you," Castiel admitted._  
  
_"Yeah, well, imagine your worst nightmare. And then imagine it actually happening to you while you were only fucking four." Dean had taken a swig of the bottle of whiskey he was holding._  
  
_"Dean, I think you should stop drinking for the night."_  
  
_"Yeah, and why should I? My mom's dead and my dad's fucking comatose, so you might as well call me an orphan." Another swig. "And my brother's across the country living his dream life while I'm here."_  
  
_Castiel tried to gently pry the bottle from Dean's fingers, but Dean had a vice-like grip on the bottle. "Yes, you're here and you're making a difference every day. You're a remarkable nurse that cares for many children. Is that not your dream?" Castiel had looked into Dean's glassy eyes, while Dean had given a self-deprecating laugh._  
  
_"Yeah, well, I'm still alone, aren't I?"_  
  
_"You have all your friends and family from here. All the relationships you've made in New York." Castiel gulped. "And you have me."_  
  
_Dean looked into his eyes again and had finally set the bottle down. "Yeah, I guess I do."_  
  
Castiel snaps back from his memory and looks down at his salad. It's mostly finished. He better go up and try to find Dean again.  
  
"Hannah, thank you for the company, but I better get going," Castiel says.  
  
"Okay. Go save some more lives," Hannah jokes as Castiel leaves the courtyard. Once he's back inside the air conditioned hospital, he heads to the elevator to go find Dean again.  
  
He hopes he isn't acting like too much of a worrier with his concern for Dean, but he can't help but remember that previous day last year. Dean should be fine this time, however, since he hasn't drunk himself stupid the way he had that day in months.  
  
Before he can step onto the elevator, he sees the green-eyed man himself step off of it, and Castiel looks him up and down. Dean doesn't seem to be having any emotional trauma.  
  
"Hey, Cas. How's your day going?" Dean prods, a small smile on his face. Castiel is confused.  
  
"It's going as well as it can on a day like this," Castiel answers, unsure of what to make of Dean's composure.  
  
"Yeah, you're telling me. There usually shouldn't be so many peds patients today, but a business class in the high school decided to take a field trip to the building today of all days, and some kids had been on the floor of the fire. It's fucking terrible luck," Dean sighs.  
  
"I agree. And how are you holding up?" Castiel asks gently.  
  
"Me? I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Dean wonders, furrowing his brows.  
  
"Well, it's just that the last time there had been a mass casualty with many burn victims, you had come home that night and had gotten very cozy with a bottle of whiskey."  
  
"Oh, that? I was just having a bad day back then. I'm fine today, really," Dean assures.  
  
"If you're lying to me to get me off your case, I swear, Dean," Castiel raises his eyebrows, trying to look intimidating.  
  
"Calm down, I'm perfectly fine. In fact, I was just about to go grab a chart from downstairs. You wanna follow me to the front desk so you can watch me pick it up?" Dean jokes. Castiel rolls his eyes at the man and deflates.  
  
"No, I'll believe you." Castiel presses the elevator button again so he can go see Tracy where she is on the second floor in a recovery room.   
  
"Smart man." Dean tips an imaginary hat and walks away from Castiel, but Castiel can't help but feel like Dean's not completely telling the truth. He likes to think that he knows Dean pretty well, and something about the way he's acting just seems off.  
  
Of course, that may also be because he's been awkward around Castiel the whole week.  
  
For now, he decides he would rather not trouble Dean, and he goes on up to the second floor. He grabs Tracy's patient chart as he looks at her prone body. She has a breathing tube inserted in case the lung causes her any trouble, but she's still under anesthesia for the most part. They had called an emergency contact for Tracy during the surgery, but the person that had picked up said that they couldn't leave work for a few hours.   
  
Even though it isn't his place to judge, Castiel can't help but think about what kind of cruel person would not come see their friend or family if they heard they were having emergency surgery? For now, he just watches Tracy rest, hoping there's something good in store for her future.  
  
And with less than four weeks to go until the gala, Castiel hopes that something good in store for him too.

\- - -

He heads straight for the hard stuff when he gets home because he's doing just peachy, thank you very much.   
  
All day, he's been on edge, but he's been trying not to show it. The truth is, Dean's a fucking mess. He used to get nightmares about what happened that day in the nursery, but he hasn't had one of those since his undergrad years. No, now he just mourns on the day of the fire and occasionally whenever he misses his mom.  
  
Sure, he may have only known her for four years, so his memories of her are fuzzy. But what he does remember is what counts. The way she used to smile at him, the way she'd always smell like roses, the way she'd laugh with her full body. He remembers that and he misses it all the time. So yeah, when he gets a lot of burn victims in the hospital, he can't help but recall the way her skin had charred in the heat of the nursery. How she'd been motionless as they carried her out. He can't help but think that it's unfair how he's been cheated of her warmth, and he'd rather not think about it right now.  
  
And it's not that he's alcoholic; he just wants to forget about everything just for a little bit. Just for tonight.   
  
He pours himself a glass of scotch and shoots it down, the liquid burning his throat the whole way down. Fuck. He squints his eyes closed and takes a deep breath, trying not to remember the heat, the flames, the goddamn fear that had coursed through his body.  
  
His father had instructed him to run with Sam, and he had, not knowing it was the last chance he was going to get to see his mom. And his dad, well that's just another story. John hadn't been the same since Mary died, according to Bobby. Dean moved around from town to town following the fire, always feeling like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. It wasn't until he came back to Lawrence that he felt like he was home again, with Jo, Ellen, and Bobby around.   
  
Seeing Jo again made him feel slightly better, but he still feels like there's something missing in his life. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say someone.  
  
He's pouring himself a second glass to down when he hears the front door open, and shit, wasn't Cas supposed to be working till late tonight?  
  
"Hey, Cas," Dean greets, trying to look nonchalant even though he literally has his right hand wrapped around a bottle of scotch.  
  
"Hello, Dean," Castiel waves, but once he comes further into the kitchen, he stops in his tracks. "What are you doing?" He asks, looking at how Dean's hand is shaking around his glass.  
  
"Uh, just getting a drink in after work," Dean shrugs. His voice is a little shaky, but he hopes Cas doesn't notice. However, Cas frowns and comes close to him. Of course he noticed.  
  
"Dean, cut the crap and tell me what's going on," Cas demands, but he keeps his voice gentle.   
  
Dean shrugs again. "Dunno, I've just been feeling like shit all day."  
  
"You told me you were fine when I saw you this afternoon," Cas points out.  
  
"Yeah well, I was trying to keep it together for work. But I just got home, and I just remembered all the shit I've been trying so hard to ignore and just," Dean cuts off before he can do something stupid, like start crying.  
  
"Listen to me, Dean. I get it that you don't want to talk about things, but it's not good to keep everything bottled up either. Sometimes it's better to let your emotions out than trying to fake a smile to keep moving forward."  
  
Dean snorts. "That's easier said than done, and we both know it." He sets the bottle and glass down on the counter and pushes out of the kitchen. "I'm gonna go hop in the shower real quick. You mind ordering some Thai for dinner or something? Not in the mood to cook."   
  
"No problem. Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"   
  
"Not right now." Dean makes his way into the bedroom. Somehow, it's shifted from being his room to the room he shares with Cas. For some reason, ever since that shower he'd had last week, he's been feeling awkward around Cas. But not awkward as in he wants to flee from his present, but more of the exact opposite. He itches to get closer to him and just touch him, and it's not even in a sexual way. He just wants to fucking hold Cas' hand and hug him and curl an arm around his waist when they fall asleep together, and he doesn't know why. All he knows is that he wants to fall asleep next to Cas and only Cas, but he's too afraid of what'll happen is he asks for more.   
  
Looking at the unmade bed from the morning soothes the mess that is Dean's brain, because his mind is like a mess of his past and his present, and it's making him go a little insane.   
  
He leaves to take a shower, the hot water calming him down further, and then he slips on a shirt and sweatpants. When they do eat dinner later, the air is still tense, and Dean can feel Cas' eyes trying to stare into his soul. It's unnerving, but Dean really doesn't want to discuss it.

Even when he goes to sleep, he can feel the tension stretching over them, but he passes out almost as soon as his head hits the pillow.

\- - -

Dean gasps awake, his mother's screams still echoing from in his ears from the flashback. He swears he can feel the heat on his skin, his clammy hands as he held onto Sammy and ran down the steps. He hasn't relived it like this in years, and now his heart's beating so fast, it feels like it's gonna run right out of his chest.   
  
He's vaguely aware of an arm on his shoulder, and suddenly there's a voice talking to him.   
  
"Dean? Dean, are you okay?" Cas whispers, as if trying not to spook Dean too much, but he still makes Dean sit up. His screams must have woken Cas up.   
  
They're both silent as Dean sits with his knees to his chest, hugging his arms around them. Castiel moves to sit beside him and he picks at a loose thread on his shirt as he waits for Dean to compose himself. The room is enveloped in shadows, but he can vaguely make out Castiel's face.  
  
"So I'm fucked up." Dean says the statement without hesitating because he knows it's true. Cas looks like he has something to say, but Dean hushes him. "No, let me finish. I'm fucked up, and I know it. I know that I have a lot of problems and I don't have the best coping methods, and I know that a lot of people have it a lot worse than me, but I can't help but think that I'm just," he pauses as his voice cracks," I'm broken. I'm like King Midas except everything I touch turns into ash instead of gold." Dean gives a small huff, but he knows that every word he's saying is true.  
  
"Dean, how can you say that? You're not broken, you're human," Cas insists.   
  
Dean looks at the window as he figures out how to answer. "No, I'm just messed up. I shouldn't be getting this upset over something that happened over twenty years ago, and yet I am."  
  
"Yes, because some wounds never heal, and that is okay. You're allowed to break down every once in a while."  
  
"Yeah, except I usually go straight for the bottle. I'm just like my dad is," Dean says bitterly. "Or should I say was, since I got him basically killed. Oh yeah, that's another shitty thing about me. I can never let anything go."  
  
"Okay, it may be an unhealthy habit of you to drink when in times of trouble, but I haven't seen you do it in months. And about your father, well if you want to keep him going, then you should do so. Miracles happen all the time."  
  
"Well not in my experience," Dean flits his eyes back to Cas and holds them. "I break everything I touch. And if," Dean takes a ragged breath, "if something were to happen to you one day because of me, I would never forgive myself."  
  
"Dean, nothing is going to happen to me. And if something were, you would not be responsible for it."  
  
"How can you be so sure of that? How can you just believe in me so fucking much?" Dean asks, his eyes darting back and forth between Cas'. The other man opens and closes his mouth several times before he answers.  
  
"Because I know you, and you're a good man. I knew it from the moment I met you," Cas mumbles, looking down to where his and Dean's hands are inches apart. He gives Dean's head a gentle squeeze and lets go, but Dean is overwhelmed by how much it grounds him.  
  
"Well whatever I am, it still doesn't change how messed up I am in the head. Why can't I stop thinking about what happened to my mom?" Dean's voice cracks again and he feels that familiar burning sensation start up behind his eyelids.   
  
"You wouldn't be you if you didn't remember her."  
  
"Then answer this question: why does everyone leave me?" Dean chokes, finally succumbing to the need to cry and letting out a wracked sob a tear falls from his right eye. He folds in in himself and continues to sob; it's like a dam opened up inside of him and it's letting everything out.  
  
Eventually, he collapses forward onto where Cas has turned his body, burying his face in Cas' shoulder. The older man rubs soothing circles on his back as Dean falls apart, clinging to Cas' shirt.   
  
Once the tears have stopped falling, Dean lets out shaky breaths as he tries to compose himself, and that's when he hears it.   
  
"I won't leave you," Cas says, barely audible. "Not unless you ask me to."  
  
Dean pulls back and looks into Cas' eyes, trying to see if Cas is bluffing, but all he sees reflected in his electric blue eyes is sincerity. And fuck, that look in his eyes has Dean's heart seizing up, but it's suddenly a moment of clarity for him.   
  
The whole world doesn't come to a standstill like in the movies, but it's more of the opposite. Dean's abruptly hyper aware of how he still has a hand curled in Cas' shirt and how he can faintly make out the beating of his heart. He's aware of how it's too warm in the room and his hands are clammy. He's aware of how it's a Thursday night in early June. He's aware of how Cas is still staring at him with those attentive eyes, and how Cas just promised him forever. But most of all, he's aware of how he's desperately in love with his best friend, and he probably has been for years.   
  
It's like the fogs been lifted and he can finally see everything so clearly. He doesn't know why he didn't realize it sooner. He loves everything about Cas, from the way he gives Dean half smiles when he's happy to the way his nose crinkles just a little when he laughs. He loves how Cas is always there for him, as cliché as that sounds, and he loves how when Cas is determined, he stops at nothing to get what he wants done. He's been feeling this way years before their fake relationship, but he's been ignoring it since forever. He just can't believe he didn't realize it sooner, and now it might be too late for them.  
  
The gala is in less than four weeks, and then they're gonna break up with each other. Crap. He doesn't know if he'll be able to let Cas go after the epiphany he just had.   
  
But then again, what if he asks Cas to go out with him for real, and Cas just laughs in his face? What if Cas' feelings for him are nothing but those of a platonic best friend? Dean doesn't know what the hell he'd do if he loses Cas.   
  
So yeah, he's gonna try to figure out a way to tell Cas about the way he feels without it ending in heartbreak and chaos. For now, he'd just like to make Cas a promise that he knows he'll be able to keep.  
  
But the words get jumbled in his mouth and all he's able to say is one syllable. "Same."  
  
Cas looks puzzled. "What?"   
  
"Oh, you said you wouldn't leave unless I asked so the same goes for me. You know, I'll stay with you and whatever," Dean mutters, feeling his face heat up. Jesus, he's gotta learn how to communicate better.   
  
"Oh, good." Cas says. It looks like Cas is trying to fight back a smile, and Dean can feel himself doing the same.   
  
Thinking on instant, he leans forward and hugs Cas, feeling elated as his chest presses against the other man's. "Thanks for everything, Cas." He tucks his face into Cas' neck and breathes him in, the smell of citrus and rain flooding his senses. It's real and right there, so Dean can't help it when he tilts his head to the left and presses his lips to Cas' neck. It's not quite a kiss, but he still feels Cas freeze under him, and oh shit, Dean already fucked up.  
  
Another second passes by, and his tongue is ready with an apology, but Cas just relaxes again.   
  
"We should probably go back to sleep." Cas nonchalantly says.  
  
"Yeah," Dean acknowledges, still not leaving Cas' arms.  
  
"We both have to wake up early tomorrow. Well, today."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"Dean, you're going to have to get off of me in order to do that."  
  
"Oh yeah," Dean says, finally leaving Cas' arms and sitting up correctly. "Oh, and sorry about the wet mess I made on your shirt," Dean points, looking at where he'd been crying onto Cas before. The older man just rolls his eyes as he stands up and pulls the shirt off of himself, and whoa, Dean was not prepared at all for that because suddenly he has a view of Cas' tanned physique and toned structure, even in the dim lighting, and he has to stop himself from letting out a whimper. Looking at Castiel shirtless has never really bothered him too much before, but now his insides are heating up so he drags his eyes away before he says or does something he shouldn't.  
  
"You want to go to the kitchen and glass of water before we sleep?" Cas asks, and Dean looks back at him. Cas has changed into a different shirt, except now it's definitely one of Dean's old ones, and he wants to groan into a pillow because that certainly isn't much better.   
  
"Yeah, give me a sec," Dean mumbles, not able to tear his gaze away from the perfect picture that Cas creates. The other man just nods and leaves the room, while Dean closes his eyes and tries to get his shit together.  
  
Okay, so he loves Cas and has for a while, and now he's about to climb into the same bed as him. Yup, sounds about right.   
  
He steels himself and gets up from the bed, walking into the kitchen to see Cas pressing a glass of water to his mouth.   
  
Cas just gives him a crooked smile when he sees Dean, and it's all Dean can do to not kiss the look off the other man's face.   
  
There's no going back for him now, is there?


	10. Countdowns

The days go by in a blur.  
  
Castiel wakes up one morning, and it's three weeks before the gala. He drinks a cup of coffee, takes a shower, gets dressed, goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, and falls asleep next to Dean.   
  
He moves on autopilot like this for days, until suddenly it's only two weeks before the gala.  
  
See, he normally would have more breathing room to do things other than work, but his second year of residency is closing out and he's trying to maximize his hours at the hospital before he "levels up".   
  
On the one Saturday he has off, he decides to call Gabriel while Dean is in the shower. Ever since that day where Dean had broken down, the other man has been more open with Castiel. Dean's sharing more things with him, and he's even leaving more lingering touches on his shoulder when they're in public. At first, Castiel had been confused with how often Dean would go ahead and kiss his cheek or forehead when it wasn't necessary, but he doesn't want to mention it, lest Dean stops.   
  
He only has two weeks left of this fake relationship, and then it's back to being two single men that just live together, in the eyes of their friends. Life these past few months has been like looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses, but he's always been more of a realist. He knows that Dean's going to inevitably break up with him, and he knows that it's going to break his heart even though none of it is real. Everything that's been going on is all false, and he and Dean haven't really addressed that much.  
  
They also haven't addressed the time they kissed each other at the barbecue.  
  
All of this prompts Castiel to finally phone Gabriel after a month. Gabriel is the only other person who knows that his relationship is a lie, and he needs to talk to someone right now.   
  
He sits in the kitchen, staring out the glass window as he waits for Gabriel to answer. After three rings, a cheery voice says,  _"Hey there, Castiel! How's my favorite brother doing today?"_  
  
"Gabriel, I'm your only brother," Castiel deadpans.  
  
_"Yeah, that we know of."_  
  
Castiel snorts. "I highly doubt that Naomi has ever been unfaithful."  
  
_"Yeah, well, relationships are a bitch sometimes, so you never know."_  Gabriel pauses before continuing.  _"Speaking of relationships, how are you and your boy toy doing? And more importantly, how's the sex?"_  
  
Castiel groans aloud at that. "Please, Gabriel, control yourself. The relationship is going okay, well, as okay as a nonexistent relationship can go."  
_  
"Don't you kids only have a few weeks left of it? Anna was talking to me about the gala the other day."_  
  
"Yes, there's only two weeks left until the gala, and then we're going to break up the week after," Castiel murmurs.  
_  
"I'm sorry, Cas. If I had it my way, I'd hop on a plane right now if it meant I could punch Dean in the face and talk some sense into him about how you've been in fucking love with the moron for years, and he hasn't noticed shit. Believe me, I really would."_  
  
He looks away from the window, now looking to the floor. "I appreciate the sentiment, Gabriel, but I don't think Dean nor I would like that to happen."  
_  
"Well, you just hang in there, okay? I'll hire some strippers or something to come make you feel better after the breakup if you want,"_ Gabriel jokes.  
  
"I'll definitely pass on that one, but thanks anyways."  
_  
"Yeah, well, you haven't slept with anyone in years because you've been so hung up on that idiot. It's about time you move on."_  
  
"You and I both know that moving on is easier said than done. I don't know if I ever will be able to," Castiel whispers. The thought of being in love with someone other than Dean is so foreign a concept to him, that the idea is laughable. No, he'll never have the same bond with anyone else as the one he has with Dean. It's just not in the cards for him anymore.  
  
Gabriel sighs.  _"I know, I know. I just want you to be happy."_  
  
"Me too," Castiel nods. In the silence that follows, he hears the shower shut off, which means that Dean's going to come out of it any minute. "Listen, I better get going. I told Dean I'd do the dishes and make the bed before he got out."   
  
_"Wait a second. Why would Dean care if you made your bed or not?"_ Oh, crap.  
  
"We, um, may be sharing a bed?"  
  
_"What are you? A method actor?"_  Gabriel bites.  
  
"Well, we shared a bed to keep up to act in front of Jo when she came to visit last month, and we just never transitioned back to separate rooms."  
  
Gabriel is silent a moment while Castiel bites his lip. _"Cas, I'm not gonna comment on that one. But just know that no guy shares a bed with their other guy friend platonically. I'm just putting that out there."_  
  
Castiel knows that very well, but it's just a him and Dean thing. It doesn't make sense to anyone else, but it does to them. Not to mention that Castiel relishes in knowing someone's next to him while he sleeps, even if that person isn't his partner.   
  
"I know, Gabriel. But I really have to go now. I'll talk to you soon." Dean's going to step out of the bathroom at any moment.  
  
" _Yeah, yeah, Cas. Catch you later!"_  The line cuts off just as Castiel hears the bathroom door opening, and the bedroom door open right after.   
  
"Cas! I thought you said—" 

"I know, Dean! I'll do it in a minute!" Castiel rolls his eyes fondly and puts his phone down on the kitchen counter. He rubs his eyes as he walks back down the hall and into Dean's, well actually their, bedroom. When Castiel enters, he catches a sight of Dean, with wet hair, looking into his closet, pulling out a suit.  
  
"So I was thinking we better get our suits dry-cleaned soon because the gala's in a couple weeks," Dean says. He's looking at the suit as he talks, but his eyes flit back to Castiel at the end, as if he's gouging his expression. On the inside, Castiel is pierced with reminder that there's so little time left in their relationship, but he keeps a stoic expression on the exterior.  
  
"You're right. I can go get it done later today if you want?" Castiel offers as Dean sets his down by the mirror.  
  
"I'll come with you." Dean stretches on his toes, and Castiel notes how Dean is only wearing a t-shirt and black boxers.  
  
"Well, we can go in a couple hours then. First I need to make the bed and shower."  
  
"Oh, and don't forget to do the dishes too."  
  
Castiel sighs. "You're a real pain in the ass sometimes, Winchester."  
  
"Right back 'atcha, Novak," Dean winks and goes to leave the room, but then he turns back on his heels. 

  
You know what? I'll be a good person today and make the bed, while you do the dishes. Happy?" Dean quirks a smile at him.  
  
"Yes, very." Castiel leaves the room, itching to go back and kiss Dean on the lips for his smile, but he tamps down on the sensation.  
  
Only two more weeks to go.

\- - -

"So when are you gonna pop the question?" Anna asks with a grin before taking a bite of her falafel. It's Tuesday night, and Castiel promised Anna he'd come to her apartment for dinner for the weekend. She told him that Inias was out of town for the week, so she could use the company today.  
  
"Pop what question?" Castiel prompts, though he knows exactly what Anna is talking about.  
  
"You know, the question? The 'will you please marry me, Dean Winchester' question?"   
  
"Anna, we've only been dating for eight months. I think it's a little early to ask that big of a question," Castiel shrugs. The very thought of ever asking that to Dean has his heart skipping a few beats. He takes another bite of his falafel and ignores it.  
  
"Yeah, but you guys have known each other for years. And I feel like it should be you doing the asking."   
  
"Well, I think I'll still wait before doing that."   
  
"Okay, Cas, but like people always say, there's no use in delaying the inevitable, right?" Anna says.  
  
"Indeed."  
  
He leaves with a full stomach, but with an empty feeling in his chest. 

\- - -

Castiel's taking his scrubs off when Bela begins talking to him, examining her nails.  
  
"You know, the gala is in a week from now, and then we'll both be third year residents. Exciting, isn't it?" Bela notes.  
  
"Yes, well I'm looking forward to having a little more freedom in the E.R."  
  
"Likewise." Bela sits up from her seat on the bench. "Ah, well speaking of the gala, are you excited for it? I bet you've been waiting for months for it, right?"  
  
"What do you mean?" Castiel squints at her.  
  
Bela rolls her eyes. "Oh, come on, Castiel. If I was dating Dean, I'd be salivating at the opportunity to parade around eye candy like him. Though, I'm sure the same can be said for him about you."  
  
Castiel opens and closes his mouth several times, unsure how to answer. "Thank you?" He says as he finishes getting dressed. Bela winks at him in return and then leaves the room, leaving Castiel alone with nothing but his thoughts.  
  
It had been a trying day at work today, since he had been in surgery for seven hours earlier with Dr. Barnes, and now it's nearing midnight. He just wants to go home and go to sleep.  
  
By the time he does get home and climb into bed, Dean's already fast asleep and rolled onto his stomach on his pillow. His head is turned toward Castiel's side as he gently snores. Castiel attempts to not disturb Dean as he settles himself in, but Dean wakes up as soon as Castiel shifts on his pillow. Dean's always been a very light sleeper.  
  
"Cas?" Dean mumbles, blinking green eyes open at him.  
  
"Shh, just go back to sleep, Dean," Castiel whispers, facing Dean.  
  
"Mmm," Dean hums in response moving in closer to Castiel's body. He's not sure if it's intentional or not, but Dean settles his legs over Castiel's, making a content noise.  
  
When Castiel's alarm rings, Dean's gone from the room, but he can still see the indents his body made on the bed next to him.  
  
One week until the gala. 

_\- - -_

As Castiel settles into the bathtub, every muscle in his body finally breathes out.  
  
He's been stressed all week, with the gala looming over him this Saturday, and Castiel can hardly believe that time has been going by this quickly. It's left him on edge this week, so he decided to take a warm bath today after work, since he got off at five today. He put a few drops of lavender essential oil into his bath, and now he's settled in and comfortable. The light from the window casts a yellow glow over the white tiles, perfect to relax in.  
  
Usually, he likes to listen to music while taking a bath to fill the quiet space, but today he just wants to let his mind go blank while trying to think of anything other than Dean.  
  
Which means Castiel is now only thinking of Dean.  
  
He'd passed the younger man in the hall this morning, but they hadn't been able to talk. And now, the gala is in five days. It surreptitiously snuck up on him, and he hadn't been able to fully take it in. Now he's going to go back to being publicly single, and everyone's going to be left wondering why they broke up. Anna especially, since she knows just how much Castiel likes Dean, and as far as she's concerned, he should be proposing to Dean sometime soon.  
  
The very idea is so unattainable, it makes him want to laugh.   
  
He eases down further into the water, sighing deeply and closing his eyes. He remembers the first time he and Dean came to see the apartment. It had been right after Castiel finished his intern year, and all they both wanted was a place closer to the hospital. When they'd come to see it with their realtor, Castiel had immediately fallen in love with it. The glass window in the kitchen had been a big bonus, but as soon as he saw the claw foot tub, he'd been sold. Dean had also expressed the same sentiments, but he's not sure if Dean's ever taken a bath. Maybe Castiel should invite him in sometime, though Dean would probably run for the hills if he asked.   
  
Castiel sighs and allows himself to be lulled into a state of mind in-between awake and asleep. A few more minutes pass, as the water gets lukewarm, but then Castiel's suddenly bolting awake as he hears the door of the bathroom open, which, what? He thought Dean wasn't going to come home for another couple hours, so what's he doing home? And Castiel didn't even think to lock the bathroom door, thinking he was alone, so the door swings open with a warning creak.  
  
Dean appears in the doorway, taking a step inside before seeing Castiel drawing his knees up to his chest in an attempt to cover his naked body. Once Dean sees him, he double-takes and immediately shuts his eyes and blindly steps out of the bathroom. He swings the door shut, before Castiel hears a light thud, as if Dean was hitting his head back against the door.  
  
"Oh, fuck, Cas, I didn't even know you were in there. I'm so sorry, I just came in for a shower because my shift got changed, and I swear I didn't see anything," Dean rattles off, his voice muffled through the door between them.  
  
"Ah, it's fine, Dean. The water was turning cold anyways." Castiel climbs out of the tub, grasping his towel from the hook to dry himself off. "It's my fault in the first place. I should have locked the door." He dries himself off in quick strokes and unplugs the drain to let the water go, before he realizes he left his clothes in the bedroom. This is going to be a problem if Dean is still standing outside.  
  
He knocks a hand against the door, and when he hears nothing, he opens it the rest of the way. The coast is clear, and he creeps to the bedroom, letting out a sigh once the door is secured shut behind him.  
  
He allows himself a minute of breathing slowly before he goes about getting dressed, throwing his discarded towel into the laundry. It needs to get washed sometime soon.   
  
Once Castiel goes into the kitchen, he sees Dean tinkering around with the pots.  
  
"So, how was work?" Castiel keeps his voice casual, but Dean still jumps when he speaks.  
  
"Jesus, Cas! We've been friends for over five years, and I still haven't managed to get you a goddamn bell."  
  
Castiel chuckles. "Yes, you've mentioned this several times throughout our friendship, yet you still haven't bought one."  
  
"Yeah, well, you haven't gotten any better at not sneaking up on people."  
  
"Oh, well my apologies," Castiel jokes as Dean nudges him with an elbow.  
  
"I guess it's one of those quirks that makes you who you are, babe." Dean freezes once he realizes he called Castiel 'babe', without an audience being there. "Shit, sorry, I didn't mean to call you that. I just kinda got used to it."  
  
"It's fine, honey," Castiel says to lighten the mood again, even though he's filled with a strange amount of joy at the nickname Dean just called him.  
  
After that, they fall back into their rhythm as Castiel helps Dean make dinner. As their pizzas are baking in the oven, Dean gives him a grin, and Castiel swears it's like looking at the sun. 

\- - -

"So how are things going with you two?" Charlie asks as she takes a seat next to Dean and Castiel. The three of them have a late shift today, so they decided to grab dinner before the cafeteria closes down for the day.  
  
"I think things are pretty damn good, aren't they, Cas?" Dean lies, leaning forward to kiss Castiel's cheek. When he does, Castiel doesn't blush as red as the cherry tomatoes on his tray right now. He's gotten used to Dean's light kisses in these past few months.  
  
Speaking of, those few months are about to come to an end very soon. Tomorrow's the gala, which means that after it, their relationship comes to an end. Castiel wonders how if it's going to happen in a believable manner. With Dean telling everyone that things between them are great, how are they going to believe that they broke up with each other?  
  
Castiel decides to grit his teeth and say what he has to say. "Oh, I wouldn't say that."  
  
Dean quirks at eyebrow at him. "Why would you say that?"  
  
"There was that thing that happened last night, and you know I'm not happy about it." Oh god, he's such a horrible liar.  
  
"What thing?" Now Dean just looks confused.  
  
"You know, the thing that happened when we went to bed."  
  
Charlie looks back and forth between the two of them. "I, for one, do not want to know anything about what happened after you were both in the bed. I'm gonna go get a spoon for my yogurt." She gets up, leaving the two of them alone.  
  
"What the hell, man?" Dean bites out.  
  
"If we're going to be breaking up sometime soon, we can't exactly come across as the world's most perfect couple, now can we?" The words cut into him, and he sees a similar pained expression on Dean's face for a second before it's gone.  
  
"You're right." Dean deflates. "Though next time, try making up a more believable lie."  
  
"I'll become a better liar when you get better at making up comebacks, Dean." Castiel smiles as he remembers all of Dean's failed attempts to think of a witty comeback in the past.  
  
Dean glares at him in response as Charlie comes back to her vacated seat.  
  
"So, fellas, are we done talking about actions that occurred in bed?" Charlie asks.  
  
"I think so," Castiel says while Dean just shrugs.  
  
Their lunch conversation drifts off into other topics, but Castiel just can't stop thinking of the look that had been on Dean's face when he mentioned their break-up.

\- - - 

If there's one thing he hates, it's bow ties.   
  
The damn things are a nuisance to mankind, and he can't take it anymore. It was a bad idea to wear one, considering how goofy he looks.  
  
Dean takes one last look in the mirror at his reflection before sighing and walking away. He took a nap at four when he got home from work, and then Cas woke him up around five. Dean would be lying if he said he wasn't incredibly nervous about this whole gala, since this is it. This is the whole reason he entered into this fake relationship with his best friend in the first place, which means it's all about to come to an end.  
  
The thought has his heart sinking into his stomach.   
  
In these three weeks since he realized his feelings for Cas, he hasn't been able to figure out a way to pour his heart out. And since Cas hasn't said anything either, he'll just take it as Cas not feeling the same way about him.   
  
So now he just has this one last night before they have the break up next week. It's better than taking a risk only to have it cost him Castiel's friendship.   
  
He's chewing on his lower lip when he steps out of the bedroom to where Castiel stands in the living room, fumbling with his tie. Dean feels his lips tug up as he observes the other man, finally taking pity on him and coming forward to help him.  
  
As soon as his fingers gently push Cas' out of the way, the blue eyed man looks up at him, but Dean keeps his eyes focused on Cas' tie. Once it's in place and not backwards, he pats Cas' shoulders and reluctantly steps away from the other man.   
  
"I can't believe you still can't tie a tie correctly, yet you operate on people all the time," Dean says, his tone breathier than he intended.   
  
"Ties are a lot more complex than brain surgery," Castiel deadpans, but Dean knows he's being sarcastic so Dean gives a laugh.  
  
"Yeah, okay, Cas. You look good though," Dean states, looking the other man up and down properly. Castiel's dressed in a charcoal suit, different from his usual black one, with a cerulean tie that brings out the colors in his eyes, not that they weren't already bright enough. He lets his breath out in a whoosh as Castiel licks his lips and stares at him. All he wants is to close the distance between them and jump Cas' bones, but he can't, so he clenches his jaw and looks away from him.   
  
"I could say the same about you. Nice touch with the bow tie," Cas says. Dean looks down at the emerald green bow tie when Castiel taps it. "Brings out that green in your eyes."  
  
Dean feels like Castiel's joking when he says that, but he said it so seriously that it makes Dean pause. Heat floods his veins like a pot simmering on low, and he wants, oh god, he  _wants_  so much he can hardly breathe.   
  
Then Cas moves away from him, clearing his throat, and makes his way to the door.  
  
"We should get going, if we don't want to be late."  
  
"Right, of course," Dean mumbles. Though, instead of turning to go to the front door, he heads into the kitchen and pulls out leftover pizza wrapped in tin foil from the fridge. "Hey, you wanna grab a slice of pizza from yesterday before we go? I doubt the food there's gonna be good." He remembers the fancy hor d'oeuvres there had been two years ago, and he didn't eat any of that dainty stuff. He needed decent food if he was going to survive the night.   
  
He hears footsteps as Castiel appears in the doorway of the kitchen.  
  
"Good idea." Both he and Cas take a slice and put it into their mouths without warming it. Cold pizza tastes okay anyways.  
  
Dean remembers the last time they did this and begins laughing out loud, causing Castiel to raise an eyebrow at him.   
  
"I just remembered the last time we ate pizza in suits." When Cas still looks lost, Dean clarifies with, "You know, when it was Anna's graduation and you invited me to come along because you didn't wanna be all alone in the crowd with your mom since Gabe couldn't make it."  
  
Castiel smiles around a bite of pizza, which Dean finds endearing. "Oh, I do recall that. We'd eaten it at that graduation party after, even though it was for one of Anna's friend's parties." Then Cas' smile falls a little. "I also recall how Naomi forced me to wear a suit for the occasion, and you decided to wear one too so I wouldn't feel awkward."  
  
Dean quirks a smile at him. "Hell yeah, and we were two of the best looking guys there."   
  
"You know, we'd only known each other for a few months before that," Castiel points out.  
  
"Yeah, well, I knew early on that you were one of the good ones, Cas." And he had. He's known it since day one, and every moment between them has only proved that.  
  
The air falls silent for a moment. When they each finish a slice of pizza, Dean grabs a glass of water for him and Cas. They're both out the door in the next minute. Casual conversation passes between the two of them after that, until Dean and Cas both get onto the subway. They had wanted to take a cab, but decided they didn't wanna get stuck in traffic.  
  
However, this means that everyone else on the subway stares at them since they're both looking pretty damn good right now. They get a lot of suggestive looks, especially from this blonde woman to Dean's right, but they both leave the bus together.  
  
Once they're in front of the hospital, Dean links his fingers together with Cas'. It might be his last chance to do it, so he'll take the opportunity while he can.   
  
To his surprise, Castiel squeezes Dean's hand gently as they enter the hospital, which is buzzing with staff as people mill about in their fanciest threads. Most of the staff decided to meet in the lobby and then all go down to the gala, and Dean wishes he was one of those few people that got asked to stay behind and work today. Although, if that happened, he would have never have gotten to be standing here in this moment with Cas at his side, so he supposes what's happening is for the best.   
  
It's about twenty minutes until seven o'clock, so they have time to mingle with some others. The first person that spots them is Anna, who's wearing an elegant red dress.  
  
"You guys look fantastic!" Anna announces, taking in their outfits, along with their linked fingers. Inias, her fiancé and date, steps forward and expresses the same sentiment.  
  
"Thank you both. I could say the same about you two," Cas says graciously. Dean just gives the couple a smile, but then he sees Benny, Andrea, Charlie, and Gilda across the room, and he heads in their direction.   
  
"If you guys will excuse me, I've gotta go rub it in Charlie's face that I actually came this year." Dean goes to unlink his and Cas' fingers, but the other man says a goodbye of his own and goes along with Dean.  
  
When he comes to a stop next to Charlie, she actually squeals as she sees them.  
  
"Holy shit, you two look incredible," Charlie exclaims. Dressed in a deep purple and black dress, Dean thinks the other woman looks pretty good herself. Wrapped around her arm is Gilda, who Dean hasn't had a chance to talk to too much.   
  
"I agree. I think you're gonna give me and Charlie a run for our money tonight," Gilda laughs.  
  
"I'm flattered, really," Dean jokes, making Charlie slap at his chest before she notices the bow tie.  
  
"Damn, Dean, you even have a bow tie? That's it, we need a picture together." She looks around, and waves when she sees Benny. "Hey, Benny, come take a picture with all of us!"  
  
The gruff man appears at Dean's shoulder, with a pregnant Andrea who still looks breathtaking in her indigo, loose gown.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, we gotta find a photographer, though. Lemme go grab Victor, I think I saw him toting a camera," Benny says, leaving once again.  
  
Cas leans in to whisper in his ear. "Funny that we're finally here, isn't it?" The other man lets out a low chuckle, and the gravelly voice has Dean sucking in a sharp breath.  
  
Before he can answer, Tessa comes into view as she runs over to him, which is all kinds of strange. Tessa's one of the few who was asked to work tonight, which means she's still in her scrubs. But why is she coming over to Dean right now?  
  
"Oh thank god I caught you before you guys left," she breathes out, which has Dean raising both his eyebrows as he waits for her to explain why she had to find him.  
  
What she says is nothing close to what Dean expects her to say.  
  
"It's your father, Dean. He's awake," Tessa says. For a second, Dean's shocked still as he tries to process her words. Fuck, his dad's awake and conscious. His dad's not in a coma anymore. He feels something like relief soar through him, but it comes with an aftertaste of dread at the very thought of what awaits. If John was in a coma for a year and six months, he could have a number of issues. He could have lost any of his senses or his ability to talk. He could have become paralyzed in various parts of his body. Hell, he could even have amnesia and not even know who he is anymore. Dean swallows as his mouth dries.  
  
"How is he? Is he," Dean takes another dry breath, "does he know who he is?"  
  
Tessa just tilts her head at him, which reminds him of Cas. Speaking of Cas, the other man's hand has gone limp in his, but when he sneaks a glance, he sees a hopeful expression on his face.  
  
"We can't be sure of anything right now. You see, he awoke this morning for a couple minutes when I went to check on him, but he lost conscious afterwards. And then about half an hour ago, he awoke again. He's still conscious now, and we're trying to run some tests on him, but he hasn't truly spoken a word yet. He's cooperating with us, though, which is a positive."  
  
"What about his body parts and everything? Is that all working?" Dean holds his breath as he waits for an answer.   
  
"Once again, we can't be too sure of anything right now until we thoroughly check everything, but he has a good heartbeat going and good brain activity," Tessa informs. She looks back and forth between Dean and Cas as she continues speaking. "The two of you are both medically trained in some way. I'm sure you're well aware of all the things that could be wrong with John Winchester."  
  
Dean sees Cas nod in his peripheral vision. "Yes, quite," Cas says.  
  
"I can take you down to where his room is right now, but no visitors are allowed currently. Not even family," Tessa says with a pointed look at Dean. "Dr. Custos is in there right now and taking a look at him. Would you like to talk to him later?"  
  
Dean takes a quick look at the frenzy of people around him, before he decides that no, he would like to talk right now. "Can we go now, actually?"  
  
"Now? But aren't you two attending the gala?" Tessa squints.  
  
"Well, I'm sure me and Cas won't mind if we miss a little of it, right, Cas?" Dean looks to the other man for confirmation, and once he gives a nod, Dean looks back to Tessa.  
  
"Of course. You guys can come with me," she states as she begins walking away. Dean sees Charlie's puzzled face from the corner of his eye, but Cas must mouth something at her, because she turns away from the two of them.  
  
Determined, Dean follows Tessa down to where the elevators are, still holding on to Castiel's hand. 

 


	11. Hold Still

The night sky is dark, but is not filled with stars.  
  
Living in such a superfluous city, Castiel got used to how the sky would look like tar sometimes. He thinks he heard a song once that said the sky looked more like black treacle than tar, and he figured that applies in this situation. It's bitter, but it still has that underlying sweetness to it.  
  
Look at him, waxing poetic about the sky on a hospital bench at almost midnight.  
  
After Tessa had told Dean and him the good news, he'd been elated. It was about time that Dean deserved something good in his life. It's all the younger man had wanted, and Castiel is incredibly happy for him.   
  
Once they'd gone down to the where the coma patients are located, they had to sit in the second floor waiting area while Dr. Custos was doing his check-up. Once Ezekiel had appeared, he had been able to give them more information about John.  
  
What had happened was John's subdural hematoma that had been pushing on his brain had the pressure taken off of suddenly in the last week. They'd discovered it when the waves in his cerebral cortex increased. Normally, a wakeful person has waves of electrical activity ranging from twelve to sixty each second, as monitored by EEG machines. However, when a person sleeps, the waves decrease to one to seven waves per second; those in a coma experience low waves too, but cannot be awoken by stimuli.   
  
In John's case, the waves increased to ten last week, a state between asleep and awake, and the doctors hadn't known what to make of it. Though, around dawn this morning, the waves increased to twenty, leading to John blinking his eyes open, but he hadn't been able to focus his pupils. He soon lost consciousness again, but he was awoken hours ago when the waves spiked again to thirty.  
  
While they checked his vitals, they had shined a light in his eyes, and his pupils dilated, but they did not track the light, leading the doctors to assume his eyes did work, but he just wasn't fully able to understand his surroundings. Everything else has been regular, except John hasn't moved a muscle yet. That part troubles Dean the most, as he'd told Castiel an hour ago.  
  
They'd never made it to the gala after all, which is ironic. By the time Dean had calmed down, and Dr. Custos was available to offer them information, the gala had been in full swing. After Dean and Castiel both reviewed the information, Dean had called Sam, still holding onto Castiel's hand. The close distance meant that Castiel had been able to hear Sam's side of the conversation too.  
  
"Dean?" Sam's tinny voice had said.  
  
"Sammy? Oh god, you won't believe it," Dean gushed out, his right knee bouncing rapidly.  
  
"Believe what? What a second, aren't you at the gala right now? Did you drunk dial me or something?"  
  
"I'm completely sober right now, thank you very much. But I called because—" Dean shallowly took in a breath as his lip began to wobble. "Dad's awake," he croaked, his voice cracking on awake.

"Dean, you sure you're sober right now?" Sam said hesitantly.  
  
"I am! Me and Cas were about to head to the gala and Tessa, dad's nurse, intercepted us and told us that dad woke up for a couple minutes this morning and woke up again around six. And, well, he's asleep again, but he was up for a full two hours before that happened," Dean divulges. His hand tightens around Castiel's, and Castiel squeezes back, hoping the grip will ground Dean.  
  
"Crap, you're serious. Holy crap."  
  
"It's fucking insane, right? I mean, I'm sure you don't want to hear the whole medical side to the story, but fuck, I'm so happy. It's just that we don't know what parts of his body are working yet."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"His arms and legs, Sam. Dad hasn't moved an inch yet."  
  
"Oh, well, coma patients don't return to full wakefulness immediately, right?"  
  
"Yeah, especially ones that have been under this long."   
  
"Hang on, lemme go tell Jess," Sam said. At that moment, Dean turned back to Castiel, his green eyes shining brightly even in the fluorescent lights of the hospital.   
  
"I still can't believe it. I mean, it doesn't even make sense," Dean whispered to Castiel.  
  
"Well, let's not look a gift horse in the mouth," Castiel told Dean gently.   
  
"Yeah, you're right." Dean nodded. "Oh, and if you wanna go to the gala, you can go on ahead without me. I still got a few more calls to make, so..." Dean trailed off.  
  
"Hey, if this happening is getting me out of going to that awful gala, then I'm not going to question it. Though, I think Charlie might be angry with you, but she'll be happy when she finds out why you didn't come," Castiel guessed.  
  
"Probably. It's kinda funny though, we lied to everyone about us dating for months just so no one would bug us about finding a date, and we didn't even end up going to the gala," Dean laughed, though it sounded weary.  
  
"That is quite ironic." Dean's words had stung him greatly, since Castiel had been reminded that the gala was going to be over in a matter of hours and so was their relationship. "I, um, I'm going to go see if the cafeteria is still open. We still haven't eaten dinner yet."  
  
"Oh, I completely forgot about—" Dean started.

"Dean? You still there?" Sam asked over the phone.   
  
"Yeah, I'm still here. Did you tell Jess?" Dean prodded, though Castiel never heard Sam's answer, since Castiel let go of Dean's hand and began walking away.  
  
The cafeteria hadn't been open, so Castiel had grabbed a few granola bars from a vending machine and brought them to Dean, saving one for himself. Dean had still been on the phone with Sam at that point, so Castiel had left to go talk to Ezekiel to learn more about John's condition.  
  
After that, it had gotten late, and Anna had sent him a text, asking him where he was in reference to the gala. He had let her know that something had come up, leading to him staying at the hospital, but he promised her it was nothing bad. He hadn't told her the specifics of the situation, in case Dean didn't want anyone to know yet.  
  
Following that, he'd wandered over to that bench Dean loves so much in the courtyard, and sat there as the sky got darker and darker. He assumed Dean wanted to be alone while informing the rest of his family, and Castiel didn't want to intrude.   
  
So now he's just sitting on a bench thinking about everything that he's feeling right now. On one hand, he's glad that John woke up after months of waiting, but he also feels so pathetic. He knows he's being a selfish brat right now, but he can't help but think that every moment he's shared with Dean was a moment wasted. There was no end point for him; no event to remember for the future when he thinks about the time he had Dean. No, he has nothing, and it makes him feel empty. He always thought he'd close out this chapter in his life with the gala, but without it, it leaves him feeling like all the loose ends haven't been tied. The gala was supposed to be his swan song.  
  
And when they break up, he'll be left feeling incomplete, like one grain of sand is still stuck in the hourglass.  
  
Every part of him wants so badly to tell Dean how he truly feels, but Dean probably doesn't even care anymore. The gala's over, so they're over. That's the way it was almost meant to go when they decided to do this back in March. Except Castiel hadn't planned on falling even more in love with Dean in the passing months, to the point where his mind, body, and soul belongs only and will only ever belong to Dean.   
  
God, he really is pathetic.  
  
Maybe he should go find Dean again and get off this bench.   
  
Once he pushes himself off the wooden bench, he wobbles a little on his feet as he enters the hospital again. He's still wearing a suit, though he loosened the tie from his neck an hour ago, since he felt like it was choking him. He remembers Dean's fingers ghosting over his skin as he tied it, and he closes his eyes as he recalls the way Dean had been focused, his tongue peeking out between his lips. Castiel had wanted to lean forward and bring his lips to Dean's, but he'd stood his ground. No use in ruining the final hours he'd have in the relationship with Dean.  
  
As he goes to the elevators to go see if Dean is still on the second floor, the man himself appears, looking lost in thought.   
  
"Oh, hey, I was just coming to get you. We better get going," Dean murmurs, still distracted.  
  
Castiel nods and turns around to begin walking toward the entrance. "Yes, it's gotten late. How did talking to your family go?"  
  
"Well, Bobby and Ellen were pretty damn glad, and I even got to talk to Jo a little." Dean rubs a hand down his face. "Oh, and Sam just texted saying he found a flight for tomorrow, so he'll be coming here with Jess in the afternoon."  
  
"That's fantastic, Dean." Castiel's happiness is completely genuine.  
  
"Yeah, kid said it was about time that he came here to visit. And it's his summer break, so why not, you know?"  
  
"Of course. Also, I talked to Ezekiel about how they're going to go about treating John, and he told me that they're gonna have to wait and see for another day." Castiel and Dean get to the street, and Castiel hails a cab for them to get home. It's too late for a subway.   
  
"Yeah, okay." A cab stops, and Dean rattles off their address to him. "This night turned out a lot different than I thought it would," he laughs, looking to Castiel.  
  
"Same here." The silence clogs up the air in the cab as Castiel tries to figure out what to say to Dean. "How are you holding up? Are you happy, frustrated, confused?" Castiel prods, hoping to get an idea of where Dean's mind is right now.  
  
"Right now I'm a nice mix of all of those emotions. Can't really say anything about it until we know more, but I'm happy the bastard pulled through."  
  
"And I'm happy that Sam and I didn't convince you to pull the plug on your father. Today would not have gone this way if it hadn't been for your stubbornness," Castiel points out.  
  
Dean lets out a huff of air. "Yeah, thanks," but his eyes are soft in the dark cab as he gazes at Castiel.  
  
While he's beside Dean in bed a little while later, sleep evades Castiel for hours. 

\- - -

Castiel goes to the airport to pick Sam and Jess up later the next day.  
  
Dean hadn't been able to make it, since he had an afternoon shift whereas Castiel had the day off. When he sees Sam and Jess approaching him, Castiel waves with a smile on his face, making the couple light up.   
  
Jess rushes at him shirt, hugging Castiel tightly to her chest while Sam does the same after her, albeit a little less enthusiastically.  
  
"Castiel! I feel like we haven't seen you in forever!" Jess exclaims as they go out to leave the airport. Castiel borrowed Benny's car to go to the airport, getting it from him when he stopped by at the apartment and went via subway to work with Dean. According to Benny, the gala had been the same as usual, nothing too exciting.  
  
"Same here. Dean was actually planning on visiting Lawrence sometime this summer, and he hoped you two would come too," Castiel informs.  
  
"Oh, that's actually a great idea, but me and Jess are staying the week and we're kinda using our vacation time. Well, Jess is interning for this social worker's office, and I'm interning at a law firm for the summer. Thank god both our bosses are cool with us taking off like this," Sam enthuses.  
  
"Well yesterday went by in a whirlwind," Castiel says.  
  
They make their way outside and make the walk to where Castiel parked the car, the sun beaming down on them.   
  
"Wasn't the gala at your hospital yesterday? Did you guys ever make it to it?" Sam wonders.  
  
Castiel swallows before he answers. "No, we didn't. I'm actually glad we weren't able to. It's usually a bore every year," Castiel shrugs as he finds the car.  
  
"There's always next year for you two, right?" Jess perks up.  
  
"Right," Castiel nods.  
  
The car ride is filled with idle chatter, along with Castiel filling Jess and Sam in with information about John's condition. Dean's going to check with Ezekiel while he's there so they know more about it. By the time they get home, Jess has fallen into a light slumber, and Sam has to shake her awake.  
  
Even when they get to the apartment, Jess heads straight to the guest room to go back to sleep.  
  
"You can go sleep too, Sam, if you're feeling jet-lagged."  
  
"Nah," Sam shakes his head. "I slept most of the ride here, but Jess can't sleep on planes, so it makes sense that she's this tired."  
  
Castiel nods as they both enter the kitchen. "Oh, and congratulations on your engagement, Sam. I never got to tell you in person."  
  
"Thanks, Cas. Jess was talking about color schemes for the wedding, and we're not even planning on having it until next year in Fall probably," Sam says with a fond smile on his face. Anyone could see that Sam's in love with Jess with the way he talks about her.  
  
"I'm very happy for the two of you," Castiel says, opening the refrigerator and pulling out the items needed to make a ham and cheese sandwich. "Would you like a sandwich? I'm not exactly an expert chef like Dean, but I try my best," Castiel jokes.  
  
"Yeah sure. How are things with you and Dean going, anyway?"   
  
Castiel bites his lip, unsure how to answer. If their breakup is inevitable, should he tell Sam that things are bad? Or should he say they're good so that he doesn't have to think of a lie as to why things are bad? He decides to go with the latter. "Oh, they're good," he settles on.  
  
"I'm glad you were there for him yesterday. Hell, I'm glad you were there for him for all these months. I couldn't have chosen a better person to be Dean's boyfriend," Sam confesses. Castiel feels the web of lies he's created wind further around him until he feels trapped.  
  
"I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say that, Sam," Castiel bites out.  
  
"And why not? You're like a brother to me, Castiel. You've earned that right in these past five years."  
  
"Sam," Castiel chokes out, his throat constricting at Sam's words. "Thank you. I can say the same about you."  
  
In response, Sam gives him a smile and moves around the kitchen to help Castiel in making the sandwiches.  
  
Castiel feels the web pull tighter around him.

\- - -

  
It feels like the ground's splintering underneath him as he takes two heavy steps forward.  
  
On Sunday, Dean found out that John was able to track people when they moved around the room, but he still hadn't said a word.   
  
Yesterday, he'd found out that John was able to move head and arms, but he hadn't been able to move his legs yet, and that was okay.  
  
And this morning, Dean found out that John was able to give one word responses, but he wasn't able to rattle off full sentences yet, and that was okay too.  
  
When he and Sam had been allowed into the room yesterday, John had been fast asleep, so they'd both only got a look at the sickly state John was in. His bones were sunken in, his skin paled white; he looked like a ghost. His hair had lost its luster, and the hospital gown looked like it was swallowing him whole. It made Dean's eyes burn, but he hadn't shed any tears. Not with Sam there, anyway. And plus, Dean had already cried in the shower that morning.  
  
So now he and Sam are going in again, except John was mostly alert and able to say a few words back to him. Dean wonders if John would berate Dean for his faith in John's condition, or if he would say what he'd wanted to say when he'd come to New York in the first place. The doctor's told Dean that John didn't appear to have amnesia, but they would only truly know if he saw a familiar face.   
  
Before they went inside, however, Dean sees Ezekiel waiting for them outside the door.  
  
"What's up, doc?" he greets. He's known Ezekiel for years, so he doesn't mind with formal names.  
  
"Dean, the nurses have just told John how many months he's been under, and that's been a shock to him. So tread lightly when you're in there, alright?" Ezekiel informs. Dean nods, looking to his left to see Sam do the same. When he'd seen Sam after getting home from work on Sunday, he'd hugged him tight and tried not to break down into tears.  
  
It's been a particularly emotional week for Dean.  
  
They enter the room with trepidation, and when John's eyes meet Dean's across the room, John's face remains blank. For a moment, Dean thinks that John really doesn't remember them, and his heart seizes in fear, but then John speaks.  
  
"Dean." John takes another breath. "Sam."  
  
"Hey, Dad," Sam waves, sitting in the chair beside John's bed while Dean does the same. Dean wonders how this ghastly man in the bed is his father. He still can't comprehend it. When he thinks of John Winchester, he thinks of classic rock, leather jackets, a no-nonsense attitude, and lots of hard liquor. Not a man who looks like he'd fall over if you tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"Nice to see you again," Dean says.  
  
John looks back and forth between his two children. "It's been a year and six months?"  
  
Dean nods. "Yeah. It's June. Well, technically it's July tomorrow."  
  
"Catch me up, then," John weakly demands.  
  
It's Sam who begins speaking first. "Uh, well I'm in still in law school at Stanford. Me and Jess also got engaged earlier this year; she's actually waiting outside right now, but they're only allowing family right now. Oh, Bobby and Ellen also got married early last year," Sam explains.   
  
John gives them what looks to be a smile. "All of that's great. How about you, Dean?"  
  
Dean chews the inside of his cheek and not to look like a deer in headlights. To be honest, he has no idea how to answer. Things in his life, career wise, are going great, but when he thinks about how things with him and Cas are going, his heart lurches. It's not that they haven't been getting along or anything; they just haven't had a moment alone in the past couple days. Dean's not even sure he wants to be alone with Cas, because being alone means them taking about the breakup. The gala went by and they didn't even go, so there's nothing left for them to do except breakup with each other. That was their deal, right? That was how it was supposed to go all along, and yet Dean just wishes he had the courage to tell Cas that he wants it all to be real. He wants them to be real.   
  
Dean's afraid that Cas is gonna tell him that their fake relationship was all a waste, so he'll just try to keep his alone time with Cas to a minimum right now.  
  
"My job at the hospital's going good," Dean says.  
  
"This hospital?" John asks.  
  
"Yeah, this one. I'm still a pediatric nurse for the time being, at this hospital actually." Dean holds his breath, waiting to see how John will react. He's never took Dean's job well in the past.  
  
"Still a nurse, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, and it's what I love, so I'm gonna keep going at it," Dean affirms.  
  
"I actually heard that Dean's doing really well, according to his colleagues here," Sam cuts in. Dean throws Sam a weak smile at his effort to help.  
  
"Well, that's fine by me," John decides, and Dean tries to not gape too much.   
  
"Really?" Dean feels like he's a little kid again, waiting for his dad's approval before he does anything.  
  
"I had a speech, but forgive me if I forgot it," John says, but then he breaks into a coughing fit, prompting Dean to lean forward to put an arm around John.   
  
"Crap, you want water or something? I can get Tessa to come in here and help you out, just gimme a sec."  
  
"I'm fine," John coughs out. "I don't need a goddamn nurse."  
  
"Listen to me, you stubborn son of a bitch. I'm in charge of you around here, so you're gonna listen to me and whatever Tessa says if you wanna get back on your feet. Got it?" Dean erupts. Sam looks both proud and taken aback by his bravery, and John just looks tired. At John's nod, Dean leaves the room to grab Tessa and tell her what's going on. He doesn't have to walk very far before he runs into her, and she's smoothing out the creases in her scrubs.  
  
"Hey, Tessa, my dad's coughing real bad," Dean tells, making Tessa look up in alarm. She begins walking back to the room with Dean, where John's not coughing anymore, but he's groaning in pain.  
  
"You're going to have to tell me what's wrong, Mr. Winchester, so I can help," Tessa informs.  
  
"My skull's pounding," John groans out, his hands pressing to his forehead.  
  
"Yes, that's because you're still healing. Come on, lie down again, and I'll give you something for the pain," Tessa urges as she gets John to lean further down in the pillow. She turns to Dean after. "I can take it from here. Thanks, Dean."  
  
Dean nods, going to leave the room with Sam right on his heels.  
  
"Well, that went better than expected," Sam chirps.   
  
"Yeah, not the screaming match I imagined it would be," Dean agrees. "Come on, let's go find Jess and get back home. I think Cas' shift should be ending soon."  
  
"Oh, now should it?" Sam teases.   
  
"Shut it, Sasquatch."  
  
"Come on, I think you guys are really great together. We all saw it coming years ago."  
  
"Yeah, well, me and Cas didn't." Dean remembers configuring his feelings less than a month ago.  
  
"That's because you two are oblivious idiots. Really, it's like you're a match made in heaven."  
  
If only, Dean thinks. "Whatever you say, Sammy." He steps into the lobby of the first floor, where they left Jessica to talk with Charlie, who had finished her shift and opted to keep Jessica company. Except Charlie has been replaced with Cas, who's in the middle of laughing at something Jessica said. The look on Cas' face has Dean's lip curving into a wide grin that probably leaves him with eye crinkles.   
  
Sam takes one look at Dean face and grins. "Aw, aren't you just the sappiest," Sam coos. Dean slaps a hand against Sam's shoulder, in an effort to get Sam to shut up. Sam just gives Dean an award-worthy bitchface in return.  
  
"Jerk," Sam seethes.  
  
"Bitch." Dean rebuttals, weaving his way through the crowd to where Jess and Cas are seated.   
  
Once Dean locks eyes with Cas, the other man's face falls a little, and damn if that doesn't sting Dean right in the chest.  
  
"You guys ready to go?" Dean says, addressing Jess and Cas, but his eyes don't waver from Cas'.  
  
"I think so," Cas answers, still training his eyes on Dean. They're both shocked out of their spell when Sam huffs a laugh.   
  
"You guys mind undressing each other with your eyes another time? Some people are starving and would like to get some food in their system," Sam jokes. At his words, Dean's eyes flit away from Cas' as the four of them move out of the building.  
  
After dinner and three episodes of House Hunters (thanks to Sam getting the remote first), Cas got up from the couch and said he was turning in for the nine. Suspicious, Dean followed, since Cas wasn't one to sleep at nine o'clock, no matter how tired he got. Sam and Jess wave goodnight to them as they leave.  
  
On the way to the room, he's worried that Cas is gonna bring up their breakup and how they're going to go about doing it. Maybe Cas will want to wait until Sam and Jess are gone? Or maybe he'll want to breakup tomorrow and be done with it? Dean's heart beats in anxiety as he enters the bedroom, but what he sees is Cas grabbing some papers from the nightstand that Dean hadn't seen that morning. If Dean plays his cards correctly, he can make sure the conversation is kept off their breakup for the time being.   
  
"What are those?" Dean asks.  
  
"Tomorrow's my first day of my third residency year, so Crowley provided us with a new list of rules for residents."  
  
Fuck, Dean forgot all about Cas starting his next year tomorrow. He's just been so caught up in his mind lately.   
  
"Honestly, I forgot all about tomorrow being the first day of July, but holy shit, you excited for it? Nervous?"   
  
"Mostly excited, I'd say. I'm not going to be receiving any interns to have under my wing until next year, but I'm excited to see some new faces. Although, Hannah was telling me that the new interns she met on the night of the gala didn't seem too ready for the operating room."  
  
"Yeah, I'll bet. I remember when you came back from your first day at the hospital, and you passed out on the couch for ten hours," Dean chuckles.  
  
"To be fair, I had worked a forty-eight hour shift, so forgive me if I was a little tired." Cas sits down on the bed, the papers still in his hands. "Crazy, isn't it? How time passes by so quickly."  
  
"You're telling me. I feel like these past few years in New York have flown by. Hell, I still remember when you were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed going into your last year of med school."  
  
"Hey, I was ready to be done with school already," Castiel defends.  
  
"I'm just saying it was kinda cute how eager you were," Dean laughs, before his cheeks heat at what he just said. Cas doesn't seem to be too affected by it, but he does tilt his head at Dean. As they stare at each other, Dean feels something electric in that gaze. Something that's beckoning him forward, that has him sitting beside Cas on the bed. It has his heart beating like a racehorse, and it feels like the whole around him as come to a stop. Even Cas seems to be holding his breath, waiting for what Dean's about to say. From beside him, Dean presses their thighs together, trying to see what Cas will do. Dean just seems Cas inhale slightly, and a voice in Dean's head is goading him to erase the distance between them. To turn to his right and lean forward, just so he can see what it feels like to have the other man's lips against his. The traitorous voice is silenced when Dean remembers everything; all the consequences that could come from Dean making a bold move. It could ruin everything.  
  
So Dean just clears his throat as he looks at the paper in Castiel's hands. "So what kinda new rules did Crowley give you?" Dean questions. Cas lets out a breath of air before he answers, looking away from Dean to break the moment.   
  
"Well, I haven't been able to make my way through the list yet," Castiel shrugs.  
  
"Mind if I look through it with you?" Dean asks, making Cas hum in response. For the next ten minutes, they read through the list together, sometimes laughing at the strange rules that Crowley has made up in the last year. Somehow, as the time progresses, Dean's eyes end up drooping and he feels his head tilting closer and closer to Castiel's shoulder, ready to fall asleep. When Dean's head finally does make contact with Castiel's black sleeve, he holds his breath, waiting to see if Castiel shoves him off or not. However, the other man just relaxes his shoulder underneath him, so Dean exhales out.   
  
A lot of things don't make sense in his life right now. There's the whole thing with his dad practically coming back from the dead, and Dean still has to tell him about his sexuality. He's still not even sure if his dad fully accepts him profession yet. And then there’s Bobby, who's driving up here in a few weeks with Ellen to take John back home when he's ready. That conversation with Bobby had been a hard one for both of them. Charlie's also pretty irritated at him for missing the gala, but she's happy as hell for him too.   
  
And finally, there's Cas. The best friend he's ever had, apart from Sam. The best friend that he's been fake dating for months, who he's supposed to be breaking thing off with, now that they have no reason to date. The gala was supposed to be the end of them, and yet, and yet Dean's not ready to let go. He wants to hold on to Cas for as long as he can, but he doubts the other man returns his affections.   
  
It's reminds Dean of his first summer since he came back to Lawrence, back when he was twelve years old. Sam had been holding onto his hand, his grubby fingers pressing tightly to Dean's. Jo had gone with them too, only seven years old at the time. Dean had led them to a field behind their house, where he'd seen fireflies the other day. It had been late, but Dean thought he was old enough to take care of Sam and Jo, and it's not like John was awake to reprimand them for it.  
  
So he'd went, looking forward to seeing fireflies. He hadn't been disappointed, since they'd flown by all around them in that grassy field. Jo had giggled as he tried to catch one, and even Sam had laughed along with Dean as they all struggled to cup one in their fingers. Normally, people would bring jars with holes in them to catch a firefly, but Dean hadn't been able to find one. He supposed his hands would have to do for now, and the real prize had been seeing the wide smiles on Jo and Sam's faces.   
  
He feels the same way now as he felt when he'd been twelve years old in that field. The fireflies had been cupped between his palms, but he hadn't been able to catch them at all. Sure, it was feasible for him, but not at that moment, anyways.   
  
Within reach, but not quite there.   
  
On the other side of the wall, Dean's aware of Sam and Jess' voices drifting in through the thin walls. It's not their voices that he's aware of last when he finally gives in to the heavy feeling pulling him under, no. It's the warmth of Cas under him that ultimately sends Dean under. 


	12. Touch

Dean's fingers play with the edge of the plaid tablecloth as he avoids meeting Sam's eyes.  
  
They're at a diner with Jess in tow, though Castiel is absent because of a shift. Sam's gonna be leaving tomorrow afternoon, so Dean decided to get in one good meal before Sam and Jess left. He took them to his favorite diner, the one that may not have all the bells and whistles of a fancy restaurant, but what they do have is a killer burger. He's even been able to convince Sam to get one, despite his protests.   
  
Except Sam just asked him when he's going to be telling John about his relationship with Cas, so Dean decided to avoid the question. He and Cas still haven't formally talked about it, and since tomorrow's Saturday, it's been almost a week since the gala. Dean's not sure if it's a good thing that neither of them have brought anything up.  
  
For now, Dean steels himself and answers Sam. "I'm gonna tell him eventually. I mean, John just woke up. No use in giving him a heart attack right now," Dean shrugs. He takes another bite of his burger, the Swiss cheese on it hitting his palate first. He almost wants to moan around the bite, but Sam's right there and he's probably yell at Dean for "public indecency".   
  
"You're gonna have to tell him one day, right? Unless you'd rather do it over the phone."  
  
"Well, that's only if me and Cas end up staying together so," Dean shrugs again. Sam and Jess both stop chewing to stare at Dean, and he's suddenly self-conscious. "What?"  
  
"Dean." Sam gives him another one of his famous bitchfaces. "You two have basically been together for years. Like hell you're gonna break up."  
  
"I'm just saying that it's a possibility," Dean says.  
  
"You're planning on breaking up with Cas one day?"  
  
"What? No!" Dean exclaims before he can stop himself.  
  
"Good, because I don't think Cas is planning on dumping you either, so don't worry about anything," Sam promises. They all take bites of their burger until Jess pipes up.  
  
"Dean, you're a nurse. You of all people should know not to eat burgers so often," Jess says.  
  
"The day I stop eating burgers is the day you know there's something very wrong with me," Dean says, punctuating his statement with another bite of his burger. This time, he does let out a moan.   
  
"Save it for Cas, Dean," Sam bites out, making Jess chuckle. It's Dean's turn to give Sam an unimpressed look, which he tries to do but fails once he sees the tiny grin on Sam's face. He misses Sam all the damn time while he's in California, so to have him here feels good. And to have his Dad awake after more than a year feels even better. He'd stopped by to visit his dad this morning with Sam again, and Sam said his goodbyes to John. The other man had congratulated Sam, and John had even smiled a little. Dean's not sure if John's behavior is the calm before the storm, since John hasn't even blown up at Dean for his job yet. Something's bound to happen when he finds out about Dean's bisexuality, however. So he'd rather not tempt fate for the time being.   
  
At the end of their dinner, Dean, Sam, and Jess go back home and invite Charlie over, who cheerily accepts. Then the night is lost to movies, laughter, and a whole lot of beers. 

\- - -

"I'll call you as soon as we get in," Sam says, his arms wrapped tightly around Dean. They're hugging in the middle of an airport, and Dean suddenly feels like he's living a cliché. Jess follows Sam's hug with one of her own, kissing Dean's cheek when she pulls away.   
  
"Don't be strangers, guys. Call us more," Jess says while she's hugging Castiel, who gives her a smile.   
  
"Of course, Jess. Maybe next time we can come visit you," Cas says.  
  
"I think we'd really like that," Jess smiles, glancing up into Sam's eyes. Dean looks around at the three of them, three members of his family, and tries not to get too choked up.   
  
"Alright, I love you guys and all, but you guys have got to get moving if you're gonna make your flight," Dean urges Sam and Jess. He thinks about how those three words had been meant for Castiel too, but even now, he still doesn't have the courage to say it. Not because he's a coward or anything, but because he doesn't want to jump the shark.  
  
So, okay maybe he's a little bit of a coward.  
  
"Yeah, alright. Talk to you later then, guys." Sam waves, turning around.   
  
"Bye fellas!" Jess says, grabbing her carry-on bag with one hand and Sam's hand with the other. The two of them amble away, looking like a picture perfect couple. Dean looks to Cas, wishing that they could be the same, but he knows they can't.  
  
"Come on, let's go home, Dean." Cas nudges his shoulder as he begins to head toward the exit. The simple brush of shoulders sends a punch of heat through Dean's veins. It makes Dean pause for a moment before he's able to collect his bearings and follow Cas to the parking lot.

\- - -

The patient he meets is named Krissy, and she's in for a various broken bones, according to her chart. Dean's just there to make sure she's taking her pain medication.  
  
"I don't understand. If I'm in a hospital, can't you just pump me with meds so I don't have to take any pills?" Krissy asks, squinting at the pink pill in her hand.  
  
"Sometimes it's better to stomach meds than to have them directly administered to your veins, especially for kids your age," Dean informs.  
  
Krissy scowls at him. "I'm not a kid, I'm fifteen years old," she petulantly says.  
  
"Well if you're not a kid, then you should have no problem taking that pill, right?" Dean raises his eyebrows at her, waiting for her to make a move. Krissy looks back and forth between Dean and the pill in her hand before she sighs and pops it into her mouth, washing it down with a cup of water.  
  
"Happy now?"   
  
"Very much. I'll check in with Dr. Blake about when your surgery's gonna be happening, but I don't think that's gonna be until tomorrow morning, to tell you the truth," Dean says. Krissy was part of the group of people that came in due to a large traffic accident. She had been riding her bike in the park with a couple friends when she got hit and fell onto her left side. Though she may have cuts and bruises, the real pain is in her bones.  
  
"I doubt my dad's gonna stick around till then. He has a meeting tomorrow morning," Krissy sighs, sitting back in her bed.   
  
"Well, I can talk to him about it if you want?"  
  
"Nah, it's okay. My dad's never really been there for me at all." Her voice sounds tired, as if she's said this to many people in her lifetime before. It stings at Dean's heart that someone so young could have this much experience with deadbeat dads. Then again, Dean's one to talk.  
  
"I hear ya. But hey, isn't one of your friends coming in tomorrow morning?"  
  
"Yeah, Aiden. He said he'd stop by with his parents around nine."  
  
"Is he your boyfriend?" Dean hopes she's not going to shut him out for invading her privacy.  
  
"Not exactly. I mean, he's a year older than me, but I've known him since forever. We're good friends," Krissy shrugs, making a pained face when the movement jostles her left side too much.  
  
"Easy there, champ. You don't wanna mess your shoulder up even more," Dean chastises.  
  
"I'm fine, Nurse Winchester."  
  
"Call me Dean." Dean likes to be on a first name basis with most of his patients, since it makes it easier to care with and for them.  
  
"Fine, then Dean, would you be so kind as to turn the channel to seven on the TV? I think Jeopardy's about to start soon," Krissy says innocently. Dean does as he's told, not sure if she's joking or not. When he flips the channel though, she gives him a smile.  
  
"I'll leave you to it, then. Have a nice night." Dean leaves the room, his scrubs swishing as he goes back into the common area of the floor. There, he sees Benny and Ruby chatting.  
  
"Well, well, well, if it isn't mister 'I-missed-the-gala-two-years-in-a-row'," Ruby snarks.   
  
"You know, you didn't even go this year," Dean points out.  
  
"Yeah, because I was working, smartass."  
  
"Have fun working tonight too, then, because I'm off for the night," Dean smirks.   
  
Benny looks to Dean with a thoughtful expression. "Before you go, I heard the Chief was looking for you."  
  
"Crowley? What could he possibly want with me?" Dean wonders.  
  
"No clue, but I'm just letting you know what I heard, brother. Have a nice night off."  
  
"Yeah, I'll figure out whatever Crowley wants tomorrow. I'm too tired to spend another minute here. Bye, guys," Dean leaves with one last glance at Ruby and Benny. He gets into the elevator, which is surprisingly empty, and tries to decide whether or not he should go see his father. Technically, Dean saw him yesterday morning, and he shouldn't be obligated to see him every day, so he hits the button for the first floor rather than the second. John's been doing a lot better now, and he's regained some mobility in his legs, but the doctor doubt he'll ever receive full control of them. Everything else is looking up, though, since it's been almost two weeks since the gala night. Sam left on Saturday, so Dean's been keeping him updated on all things John Winchester via text.   
  
When Dean gets home, he finds Cas in the kitchen, hunched over the oven.   
  
"What you up to, Cas?" Unlike the times where Cas has snuck up on Dean, Cas barely jumps when he hears Dean's voice.   
  
"I thought it would be good if I got started on dinner before you got home, so that it would be ready in time," Cas says, turning around with a pan of what looks like chicken wings.   
  
"Holy crap, you made oven-roasted chicken wings?"  
  
"Yes, I was trying to test out my cooking skills. I've been getting better at it these past few months, you know," Cas murmurs, looking kind of sheepish. Dean wants to kiss the expression off his face.  
  
"Hey, as long as you didn't burn the place down, it's fine by me," Dean hold his hands up to mime that he has no issue with Cas cooking. "I'm gonna go change, and then we're gonna eat all the chicken wings we can." He backs out of the kitchen and goes to change in their room.   
  
It's so strange that he's still sleeping in the same bed as Cas, and he also has hours to talk to Cas, and yet neither of them ever bring up the breakup. It's eventually going to have to happen, but Dean just wants to stay in this slice of their so-called domestic bliss for the time being.   
  
He remains steadfast in his decision to avoid talking about anything throughout dinner and throughout the episodes of Star Trek they rewatch. Dean remembers when he first gave Castiel a lesson in pop culture all those years ago, and now Cas is a certified nerd in Dean's book.  
  
Later on, it's Dean who picks the last episode, and it's Dean who decides he's beat, so he heads off to bed. He has the night shift tomorrow, but his schedule tomorrow is open until then.   
  
Him and Cas safely make it to bed and shut the lights off without ever having a talk, except Dean's mind feels heavy with thoughts he doesn't want to think about. He twists and turns in the bed, trying to shut his mind off and just go to sleep, but he can't. All he can think about is that one day or another, Cas is gonna go back to his own bed, and they're gonna be over, and everyone's going to sympathize with Dean over a relationship that was never real, but one that he wanted to be real so badly.   
  
Everything's just piling up on his chest, and he feels choked by it. And it would go away if he just had the courage to turn to the man beside him and tell him how he feels. Except that could end in disaster, so he keeps his lips locked before the confessions spill out.   
  
Dean flickers his eyes open to glance at the clock to his left, groaning when he sees the red lights blinking "12:32" back at him. He's been tossing and turning in bed for almost two hours, and sleep doesn't seem to be coming anytime soon. Frustrated, he turns to his right side to face Cas, and is shocked to see two blue eyes staring at him.  
  
"Can't sleep either?" Cas whispers, as if trying not to disturb the quietness of the room.  
  
Dean shakes his head, prompting Cas to roll over out of the bed and stand up. Dean follows him to the door, confused about what's going on.   
  
"What are we doing?" Dean wonders.  
  
"Well, I'm going to make a cup of tea for myself, and I can make one for you too, if you'd like." Cas mumbles in a tired voice. His tired voice, however, is a hell of a lot deeper and gravellier than his usual voice, and it sends a pool of heat to Dean's stomach. Dean squeezes his eyes shut for a second, trying to make his body just shut up for two seconds.   
  
They make it into the kitchen, Cas taking out a pot from the dishwasher to boil water in.   
  
"What kind of tea?"  
  
"Chamomile. It's the nighttime tea," Cas answers.  
  
"Of course, how could I forget with all the times you made it in med school?" Dean grins. He moves to turn on the recessed lights in the kitchen, but he sets them to dim, not wanting too much brightness in the kitchen at midnight.   
  
"To be fair, I had a lot of late nights in med school," Cas says as the water begins to boil. He comes around to sit next to Dean in the stool.   
  
"Me too," Dean says with a wink, referring to something a lot different than what Cas stayed up for.  
  
Cas just chuckles and looks out toward the large glass window.  
  
"So why couldn't you sleep?" Cas prods.  
  
"My mind didn't wanna shut up," Dean confesses, though it's only half-true.  
  
"Same here." They're both quiet for another minute, until Dean takes a deep breath and decides to finally bite the bullet.  
  
"So, are we gonna ever talk about it, or..." Dean begins. Cas must know exactly what he's talking about because he turns back to look at Dean, his eyes bright even with the dim lighting. Dean's always seen them as the color of the sky after a thunderstorm because that's what Cas is and always will be: the calmness after a storm. The person who can ground Dean after anything, that can tell Dean that it's okay and that things will get better. And Dean won't be able to find anyone like that, anyone he loves so much, even if he searches his entire lifetime.  
  
"I suppose we should." Cas takes a deep breath that he lets out slowly.   
  
"Well the gala's over."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And we started this whole thing because of it."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And we both agreed on breaking things off after it, and yet we haven't," Dean says. Now that they're finally talking about it, it feels like the weight is lifting off his chest, but it simultaneously feels like another weight is pressing down, one of fear and anxiety. If Cas wants to break things off tomorrow, then Dean will obviously agree, but he's not sure he'll be able to stop his heart from breaking.  
  
Cas doesn't say anything again immediately, instead going to the pot of water that's already begun to boil. He grabs two mugs from the cabinet, one of which is his favorite mug with the bees on it, and places them both on the counter. Then, he grabs two tea bags from a box in another cabinet and places one in each mug. He turns the stove off and pours water in each mug, then stows the pot into the sink. And when he finally speaks again, the words out of his mouth are not what Dean expected.  
  
"We should let the tea steep before we drink it."   
  
"Cas..." Dean says, unsure of why the other man is avoiding the topic so much.   
  
"I know, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say to you," Cas breathes out.   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"Well, I've been avoiding it for days because I'm scared." Cas chews his lower lip.  
  
"Scared of what?" Dean's heart is thumping away, so loud that he's afraid Cas can hear it.  
  
"Of what it might mean for our friendship. I mean, it's going to be difficult pretending we're broken up when we were never actually dating," Cas lets out in a rush. The hope that had been rising in Dean comes crashing down. Oh. He's just scared of how they're going to act around their friends. For a second there Dean thought Cas was going to tell him what he himself is so afraid to say.   
  
"You're right," Dean swallows, trying to will away the lump in his throat. They fall silent for a couple minutes until Cas takes the tea bags out of the mugs and disposes of them. He carries the mugs back to where Dean's sitting, choosing the stool next to Dean again.  
  
"When do you want to break things off then?" Cas says, staring at his mug.  _Never,_  Dean wants to say.  _I want to stay with you for as long as you'll have me. I want to hold your hand and for it to mean something to both of us. I want to kiss you and have you smile at me. I want to be able to wrap an arm around you when we sleep next to each other. I want it to be real, Cas._  
  
The words are on the tip of his tongue, but he's not able to say any of it. He reaches for his mug and tries to hold it steady in his hand.  
  
"I dunno, whenever's fine with me. We can even pretend it happened today or something if you want. It doesn't have to be public," Dean shrugs. He's trying to act like parts of him aren't splintering, except they are, and it's killing him.  
  
"We can do that." Cas' voice is calculated, and his face is a blank slate. It makes Dean frown as he goes to take a sip of his tea. The liquid almost burns his tongue as he takes a sip, but he welcomes the scalding hot sensation in his throat.   
  
"Dean, it's a cup of tea, not a can of beer you can chug," Cas reprimands. Unlike Dean, he takes tiny sips of tea, blowing on it before he drinks it.  
  
"It's good tea, though. Nothing like that frou-frou stuff you usually drink," Dean says with a smile. Castiel rolls his eyes as he takes another sip.   
  
When they both finish their cups, Dean feels no sleepier than he felt before. In fact, he feels more alert. Castiel's the one who gets up to put the mugs in the sink, so Dean can't really blame himself for staring at his ass, now can he?   
  
Well, he blames it on the sleep deprivation.  
  
"You know, we never did get to go the gala, so you never got to show me all your great dance moves," Dean muses.  
  
"Hmm," Castiel acknowledges. He comes to a stop in front of Dean, holding an arm out.   
  
Dean glances at it before looking at Cas' face. "Are you being serious right now?"  
  
Castiel sighs but with a smile on his face. "Just take my hand, Dean." He raises both of his eyebrows while Dean tries to make a decision. What's the worst thing that can happen?   
  
So he takes Cas' hand in his, pulling himself closer to Cas' body. The other man exudes warmth as he aligns his body with Dean's. Cas' right arm goes to Dean's waist, the other held in Dean's hand. This forces Dean to place his left hand on Cas' upper right arm, giving him the part of the female, so he lets out a huff.   
  
"Making me the girl, Cas?"  
  
"Not on purpose, though it's not really the female part technically. I mean, yes, it is traditional for a girl to stand the way you are right now, but the positions have become interchangeable between genders in the past years," Cas informs, his voice a low pitch. "And besides, I think it's better if I lead."  
  
"Take it away then," Dean smirks, but he's really panicking on the inside because that Cas' arm his hand is holding onto, and it's Cas' hand that's around his waist, and that's Cas' hand clasped tightly around his. Dean can hardly believe this moment is real.  
  
At first, Cas maneuvers them back and forth in shallow steps, but then he looks head-on at Dean and steps with more purpose. It makes Dean look down to keep up with Cas, and he almost wants to laugh at how insane it is for them to be slow dancing at midnight.   
  
After a few seconds, Cas starts humming lowly, and Dean's ears struggle to place the song. When he does recognize what Cas is humming, Dean can't help but laugh.  
  
"Oh my fucking god, are you humming The Way You Look Tonight by Frank Sinatra? Are you shitting me?" Dean laughs even harder at the exasperated expression on Cas' face.  
  
"I thought it was appropriate for the moment," Cas shrugs.   
  
Dean almost gapes at him. "I'm literally wearing boxers and a t-shirt. Might wanna get your eyes checked, Cas," Dean says, but the weight of Cas' gaze as he looks Dean up and down has Dean's cheeks heating. He's thankful the lighting is so dim, or else his blush would be recognizable. The lighting also helps because the closer he presses to Cas, the more heat floods Dean's stomach, and it's creating a situation for his groin.   
  
He wants to let out a groan when Cas chuckles darkly in response, because holy fuck, who the hell is allowed to be that hot?   
  
Cas doesn't respond more than that, until he starts actually mouthing the words of the song, until it's even more than that and he's whispering the words straight into Dean's ear.   
  
"Lovely, don't you ever change. Keep that breathless charm. Won't you please arrange it?" The words send a chill up Dean's spine, sine he's listened to Sinatra before. Ellen used to play his songs when Dean was younger, so he knows exactly what words are coming, yet they still take his breath away when Cas says them. "'Cause I love you, just the way you look tonight." Cas practically crows the words into his ears, and his heart is suddenly doing cartwheels, so he takes a chance. He has to know if Cas meant the words or not.   
  
He pulls his hand loose from where it's held in Cas' and holds his breath as he cups Cas' cheek softly, light as a feather. The other man stills in the movement of his legs and leans into Dean's touch, further goading Dean on. He has to know now. He has to. So he leans his forehead down onto Cas', eliminating the space between them. The second their skin makes contact, Dean closes his eyes, taking in the moment.   
  
"I don't want to break up, Dean," Cas whispers in the space between them, his voice barely audible. That has Dean blinking his eyes open, only to see Cas staring back at him.   
  
"What?" He feels like he just got the breath knocked out of him.  
  
"I want _—_  I don't want to break things off with you, I want to do the opposite, actually." Cas eyes burn bright and intense into his. "I'm in love with you, and I want it to be real," Cas confesses.   
  
Dean lets the words imprint on his skin until they're flowing straight to his heart, to the very root of him. He can't detect a note of falseness in what Cas said, and that weight finally lifts off his chest. He doesn't know if he's even capable of forming words, but he has to let Cas know he feels the same way, because Cas is moving back from him, probably assuming Dean doesn't. So Dean does what he can do, and kisses him.  
  
It's nothing like the first time they kissed at the barbecue over a month ago. No, this is more of a gentle press of lips as Dean clumsily leans in. It's chaste and quick, Cas' lips warm on his, but Dean's only testing the waters.  
  
"Tell me that was okay," Dean says, leaning back at looking into Cas' eyes. The other man looks at Dean's eyes, frozen, and for a second Dean thinks he's made the biggest mistake of his life, until Cas winds his hands around Dean's head and pulls Dean into him.  
  
The kiss is more insistent this time, no longer a soft press of lips as Cas licks around Dean's lower lip until Dean's mouth slots open. "Yes," he breathes into Dean's mouth. "Yes, yes,  _yes_ ," he chants, making Dean moan lowly. It seems to ignite something further in Cas, as the man presses closer and closer into Dean. The kiss becomes more passionate, more powerful, more demanding, and yet Cas is still careful with where his hands are knotted into Dean's hair.  
  
Cas' mouth tastes like the chamomile tea they had been drinking, and yet Dean can't get enough of it. The kisses heat further and further until Dean has to break away to gasp for his breath, Cas doing the same. He looks into Cas' baby blues again and sees ferocity that matches his own, the blue in them almost swallowed by black. Then they're back at it again, Dean's hands moving to Cas hips to press him back against the dishwasher, until his hands lift Cas up onto the counter, and this time it's Cas' turn to let out a moan.   
  
With Cas' new leverage, he's able to cross his ankles around Dean's back and tug him even closer. Inside of Dean, it feels like there's a fire moving through his skin except he's not sure if Castiel is the kerosene or extinguisher. Part of him can't wrap his mind around how this happened, about how Cas feels about him. When did it even start?  
  
"How long?" Dean lets out, leaning back from Cas' lips, but their noses are still touching. The room feels too warm for his overheated skin, but he soaks in the beauty of the moment. The moonlight's hitting the left side of Cas' face, pouring light across his features. His cheeks are rosy, pupils blown wide, and his hair is awry because of Dean's hands. Still, Dean can't help but think that Castiel is breathtaking. It's like he's Dean's personal form of ambrosia, and Dean wants to drink him in.  
  
"Years, Dean. I've wanted this for years," Castiel breathes out, his voice strained.  
  
"Fuck." Dean dives back in for Cas' mouth, the other man catching Dean's lower lip and biting it gently. It makes Dean let out a whimper, and okay, he needs to be naked with Cas like right the fuck now.   
  
He lifts Castiel off the counter, murmuring "bed" into Cas' mouth as Cas wraps his arms around Dean's neck. Dean makes sure his arms wrap securely around Cas' legs to carry him in his arms. Navigating his way to their bedroom isn't too difficult, except Cas distracts Dean with kisses on the way, so it takes them a while to get there. At least he made sure to hit the light in the kitchen before he left.   
  
Dean stumbles to the bed, walking backwards to it in haste. The backs of his knees hit the bed and he sprawls backwards, pulling Cas down on top of him. The fall is a clumsy one, however, so they both break apart from where their lips were locked and let out a laugh.   
  
"I thought I was supposed to be the inexperienced one," Cas teases.  
  
"Well, I didn't see you complaining about anything I did back there."  
  
"Touché." Castiel leans back down to cover Dean's body with his, which puts both of their erections in direct contact, and they let out twin groans at the friction. It's Cas who decides to start grinding his hips against Dean's, sending Dean's heartbeat up that much higher as sparks shoot across his spine. He also realizes that they're both still in too many clothes, so he tugs at Cas' shirt until he takes the hint to pull it off. Dean leans up and does the same with his, until they're both to their boxers. Though the light is scant in the room, Dean can tell the front of his boxers is damp, and he'd really like to get them off sometime soon.  
  
And Cas, like always, is one step ahead of him, so he goes down to nose at Dean's erection, yanking at Dean's waistband until his cock pops free. Cas finishes dragging Dean's underwear off, then begins pressing gentle kisses as he moves up Dean's legs: on his heels, his ankles, his knees, and his thighs.   
  
Dean knows he's not going to last long when he has someone as devastatingly gorgeous as Cas at eye level with his crotch, so they better get this show on the road.  
  
"Cas." Dean whispers until the other man's looking up at Dean through his eyelashes, sending another flash of heat through Dean's core. The fucker smirks at him like he knows exactly what he's doing to Dean. "I need you inside me. Please," Dean groans. Cas nods, scrambling back up the bed to open Dean's nightstand where he finds a bottom of lube and a condom. Dean hasn't used the condoms for months, but the lube's been his partner for a while now. He adjusts himself further up the sheets, until he's lying in a comfortable position. It's been a couple years since the last time he bottomed, but he trusts Cas enough. He _loves_  Cas enough.   
  
"Are you sure, Dean?" Cas asks, opening the bottle of lube with one hand.   
  
"Never been more sure of anything," Dean promises. This is enough for Cas, as he lathers his fingers with lube and trails them down Dean's body until he can nudge at Dean entrance. At the first press of Cas' finger, Dean tenses, but as Cas' finger presses in further, he relaxes. It's a gentle burn that leaves Dean breathing heavily. His breathing gets even heavier when Cas adds another finger, scissor them with ease.   
  
By the time he adds a third finger, Dean's lost it, moving up and down to gain friction against Cas' fingers. Then, Castiel finds that spot in Dean that has him thrusting his hips off the bed.  
  
"Cas, oh god," he keens as Cas' finger is relentless against Dean's prostate. He keeps his fingers nestled in Dean as he leans up to kiss him, and when Cas tries adding a fourth finger, Dean's moaning into Cas' mouth. "I'm ready, fuck," Dean manages to get out. After one last kiss to Dean's lips, Cas pulls his fingers out, reaching for the condom. He rolls it on, then squirts lube into his hand to slick his cock up.   
  
Slowly, he begins guiding his cock into Dean's entrance, making Dean suck in a deep breath.   
  
"Tell me if I hurt you," Cas says, looking straight at Dean. Dean nods in agreement as Cas' cock pushes in further. Once Cas bottoms out, Dean squeezes his eyes shut as he takes in the feeling of being full. He hasn't felt like this in years, and he doesn't just mean how he feels being the bottom. He means all of it, all of what he feels when he's with Castiel.   
  
After another minute, Dean nods at Cas to start moving, so the other man does in slow thrusts. With how shallowly their hips are moving, and the way Cas is kissing Dean's neck, it's not so much as fucking as making love, and Dean's one hundred percent okay with it.   
  
But right now, the tension's been building at his spine for too long, and he wants more, needs more. He grips onto Cas' hipbones, which are incredible in and of themselves, and uses his hold to move quicker. Cas takes the hint easily, increasing the rhythm between them, and Dean takes all of it. He's glad they did this face to face, because it means Dean gets to look at Cas as he falls apart in Dean's arms. It also means that Cas is able to pay great attention to Dean's nipples as he licks at one. His mouth is gentle at first, until he switches to biting gently, twisting it between his teeth. He does the same to the other one, making Dean cry out.

"Holy  _fuck_." 

That makes Cas tilt his head back up to kiss Dean, open-mouthed and passionate. But his eyes fall shut of their own volition when they catch the expression in Castiel's eyes, seeing warmth reflecting back out, back at  _him_. It's too much at once, and it leaves him feeling vulnerable.

"Dean," Castiel breathes after a moment, "open your eyes."

He shouldn't, he _can't_ , but the gentleness in Castiel's voice has him opening them back up, his senses overwhelmed all at once with how blue Castiel's eyes are, how close they are to him.

"I love you," Castiel says, so softly that Dean lets out a whimper and surges up to kiss him, the burning sensation inside of Dean increasing. He lets it consume him.

Dean moans when Cas hits his prostate again, his hands moving up to dig into Cas' back, probably leaving tiny crescents in their wake.   
  
"Beautiful," Cas mouths, moving back to lave at Dean's neck. "You're so beautiful, Dean."  
  
Dean flushes even further at his praise. "Come on, Cas, I'm really not."  
  
"You are," Cas pulls back to look into Dean's eyes. "You're beautiful in every way, Dean Winchester." Dean's not sure if it's the earnest look in Cas' eyes, or the way Cas' hips are slamming against his, but suddenly he's coming untouched in streaks against his stomach, crying out into Cas' mouth as he's kissed through it. It feels like being taken apart and put back together all at once. He hears static in his ears, but he manages to gain his bearings quickly enough to keep thrusting up with Cas, until the man above him is letting out harsh breaths.  
  
Dean leans up to kiss the spot behind Cas' ear, then worries his earlobe between his teeth. He takes another breath and whispers directly in Cas' ear. "Come for me, Castiel."  
  
The other man obeys and shouts as he lets go, being held steady in Dean's arms.  
  
After a beat, Castiel rolls off of him and to the side as they both try to catch their breaths. He can faintly hear the sounds from the street below them, the sound of blaring horns drifting up. The world around them may be lively, but Dean feels cocooned in calm for the first time in a while, here in their bedroom. A few moments later, Castiel pushes up out of the bed.   
  
"I'll be right back," he mumbles. Dean watches him go, still trying to process what just happened. He wants to talk more about it, but it'll have to wait until the morning, since Dean's pretty sure his spine is equivalent to jelly right now. Castiel pads back into the room with a wet towel, cleaning Dean off and also tying and tossing the condom into the garbage can beside the bed.   
  
He moves back onto his side of the bed as Dean turns to face his left. Cas wraps an arm around him, his lips pressing into Dean's neck.   
  
"Sleep now. We can talk more in the morning," Cas says, pressing one final kiss to Dean's neck. All the drowsiness that had been absent before flows over him now like a wave, so Dean shuts his eyes.  
  
It doesn't take long for sleep to take him. 


	13. South

When Castiel opens his eyes in the morning, he's alone in the bed.   
  
He panics, thinking that last night didn't really happen, that it was all a result of his worked-up imagination. He's almost convinced himself of it all being a dream until he notices that he's not wearing any clothing, the sheets pooled around his legs.  
  
So it did happen.  
  
Castiel lets that sink in for a moment as he recalls all the details. He hadn't meant to say those words into Dean's ears; he hadn't even meant to offer to slow dance with Dean. All he'd known was that he wanted to take a chance and see what would happen, or else he'd spend his entire life regretting what could have been. It had been the right step to take after all.  
  
As his senses awaken, he's able to detect the smell of coffee in the air, and it calls to him like a siren. He climbs out of bed and roots around in the cabinets for a pair of fresh boxers. He's not sure if the pair he pulls belongs to him or Dean, and he doesn't really care.   
  
Quietly, he pushes open the door, but moves to the bathroom first rather than the kitchen. He likes to brush his teeth before he has anything to eat in the morning, since it's always been a habit of his.

After he finishes with that, he goes straight into the kitchen, seeing Dean's back as he works at the stove top. Dean's only wearing a pair of boxers, one that Castiel definitely knows belongs to him. Dean's light brown hair is directly being hit with sunlight, his back muscles moving as his arms do. Castiel leans against the entryway as Dean moves to chop something on the cutting board in front of him. When Dean puts the knife down, Castiel moves ahead to cover Dean's back with his chest, wrapping his arms around Dean's stomach.  
  
"Good morning," Castiel greets with a kiss to Dean's neck.   
  
He feels Dean relax underneath him. "Morning, Cas."  
  
"What are you making?" Castiel asks, pressing his chin against Dean's shoulder as he tries to get a look at what Dean's mixing on the counter.   
  
"I was gonna make eggs, bacon, and toast before I realized we're out of bread. So I decided to make an omelet and bacon instead. You only want onions and cheese in yours, right?"  
  
"Yes," Castiel says, pulling back from Dean. He grabs a mug from the cabinet and sets it next to the coffeepot. It's not his favorite blue mug, since that one's in the sink from last night, but instead it's a mint green one. As he fills it up with coffee and adds a healthy dose of hazelnut creamer and sugar, Dean chuckles behind him. "What?"  
  
"Nothing, it's just weird that you didn't go straight for the coffee today. You came to me first," Dean shrugs.   
  
"Well, sorry that I get easily distracted," Cas says with a pointed look at Dean.   
  
"I'm not sorry about it. And besides, it's not my fault that I'm irresistible," Dean pouts. He pours the whipped eggs for one of the omelets onto a pan. While Dean works on that, Castiel takes a couple sips of his coffee, pleased to find that it's at the right temperature.  
  
"Whatever you say, Dean," Castiel says with a grin. It makes the other man huff at him as he lets the omelet cook. Once it's on off the pan and onto a plate, Dean comes up to Cas to hold Cas' cheek in his palm, his thumb brushing against Cas' cheek gently. Then Dean leans in to press his lips against Cas in a soft kiss.   
  
"Hi there," Dean says when he pulls back.   
  
"Hello, Dean," Castiel whispers back. Dean gives him a lopsided smile as he goes back to the counter, cracking open another egg into the wooden bowl.  
  
Castiel grabs the plate with his omelet on it, along with a pile of bacon to eat with it. He moves to the first stool that overlooks the counter to stare at Dean.   
  
"You know, you could have made your own omelet first. You didn't have to make mine," Castiel says as he brings his mug to his lips.  
  
"I know, but maybe I just wanted to be a good boyfriend and make it for you first," Dean says. He pauses in where he was sipping his coffee when he realizes what Dean just said.  
  
"Is that what we are?" Castiel asks.  
  
"I mean, I guess we are. Unless last night was just a one time thing," Dean mumbles.  
  
"No, no, of course not," Castiel rushes to say. "It's just that we haven't even gone on a date yet, and you're already calling us boyfriends?" Castiel teases.   
  
Dean rolls his eyes. "Considering that everyone thinks we've been dating for months, and the fact that we've lived together for years, I think we can skip straight past the casual dating phase of most relationships, don't you think?" Dean questions, pouring his eggs into a pan. The sounds of the omelet cooking and sizzling fill the room.    
  
"I suppose so. But should we tell people that we were never actually together, and that we only got together now?"  
  
"I think it's best if we don't. I mean, it would just confuse the hell out of people, and I don't know about you, but I'd rather not have Sammy call me and give me a lecture about feelings."  
  
"You're right. I should call Gabriel and let him know that we're actually together, too. But that can wait for a few days," Castiel says.   
  
Dean raises an eyebrow at this. "Why do you wanna wait?"  
  
"Well," Castiel pauses, a grin creeping onto his face, "there's still a couple of things I want to do with you before I spill the beans. Or, I guess do to you would be the better phrase."  
  
Dean's reaction is immediate as he lets out a groan. "You're gonna be the death of me, Cas, I swear," he mutters, flipping his omelet.   
  
Castiel's grin grows wider as he pops a strip of bacon into his mouth. They fall silent as Dean's omelet finishes cooking. Today, Castiel has a twenty-four hour shift, but it doesn't begin until two in the afternoon, so he still has time.   
  
Dean joins him in the stool beside him a couple minutes later as Castiel digs into his omelet. Unlike how before, when Dean had had a carefree look on his face, now he seems to be lost in thought as he considers something.  
  
"Just so you know, me too," Dean blurts out. Castiel squints as he tries to think of what Dean's referring to.  
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"About what you said to me last night. I just want _—_ " Dean closes his eyes, "I need you to know that I feel the same way, but I can't say it yet. I dunno why, guess I'm just messed up like that." This confuses Castiel further as he retraces everything he remembers saying in the kitchen at midnight. What could Dean not be able to say? All that Castiel told Dean last night was that he loved him, and  _oh_ , Castiel thinks.   
  
He puts a hand on Dean's shoulder, but the other man won't meet his eyes. "Dean, look at me." Castiel waits as the green eyes meet his, and he knows a storm must be going on inside of Dean right now, how he must be blaming himself for being unable to say three words that Castiel doesn't even need to hear. "It's completely fine if you can't say them. I don't need them. I just need to know that I have you, and that'll be more than enough for me."  
  
"You have me, Cas," Dean croaks. "You'll always have me."  
  
"Then don't beat yourself up about anything, alright?" Dean nods at this and goes back to his breakfast, sticking a bit of his omelet into his mouth using a fork.   
  
"I, uh, talked to Bobby yesterday during my break," Dean says. "He told me to let him know when he and Ellen should come by to pick John up, and I told them Ezekiel said that John could leave the hospital in a week as long as we have a physical therapist for him in Lawrence that comes at least twice a week. Bobby said he'd hash out everything and call back, so yeah. He also said they'd be staying at Jody's house and not here, because apparently he didn't want to intrude on any of our alone time." Dean wiggles his eyebrows.  
  
"He did not."  
  
"He said something along those lines, but I think his exact words were 'I don't wanna walk in on anything you idjits are getting up to in your free time'." Castiel laughs at Dean's words.  
  
They pass more comments back and forth throughout their breakfast, until Castiel suggests they both take a shower together.   
  
"I like the way you think, Cas." Dean says as he puts all their dirty plates in the sink. Castiel waits until Dean's hand is free to take his and leads him to the bathroom. They divest each other of their boxers as they wait for the water to heat up.   
  
By the end of their shower, Dean has a spatter of hickies along his collarbone, none of which should be visible when he wears scrubs. Cas, on the other hand, has a cluster of marks around his hips, along with a couple of new bruises.  

\- - -

"What's got you smiling so hard today, Novak?" Bela asks as she stands next to him while they both sit in the resident's lounge. Castiel's curled up with a medical journal about the gender reassignment surgery he's going to be assisting Crowley with in a little while.   
  
"Nothing," Castiel shrugs, though it's obviously because of Dean. It's been three days since they officially got together, and things have been incredibly well between the two of them.  
  
"Alright, if you'd like the avoid the topic, then so be it. I bet it has to do with Dean anyways," Bela harrumphs, leaving the room. However, as soon as she leaves, Anna makes her way inside, looking at Castiel with a grim expression on her face. It has the happiness leaving Castiel like air being let out of a balloon.   
  
"Castiel, I'm here to tell you something and I'm not sure if you're going to like it," Anna says.  
  
Castiel sets the journal he'd been reading to the side, giving Anna his full attention. "I'm not sure I'd like to hear it before I go to surgery, then." He ate his lunch quickly just so he could get a few minutes of reading done.   
  
"I know, but it's urgent." Anna takes a seat next to him. "Naomi called and said she's coming here next month," Anna divulges. Castiel feels dread pool into his stomach, leaving him feeling woozy.   
  
"I suppose it shouldn't be any problem if she wanna to come for a visit. She has that right. I don't have to meet her or anything," Castiel says.  
  
"No, Castiel, Naomi's not coming for a visit. She's coming to stay here for in New York," Anna explains. "She said she won't be staying in the city, but she's going to be staying in the state, and I thought it would be best if I told you now."  
  
Castiel feels as if the floor just fell out from the bottom of his feet. Naomi's coming back from London. She's coming back here to stay where she can see Castiel whenever she pleases. On one hand, he's ecstatic that his mother won't spend her time trying to persuade Castiel into moving to a different continent, but on the other hand, it means trying to reconcile with his mother, something he's not sure he wants to do. Sure, he wants to let bygones be bygones, but a part of him still remembers the words she'd tossed at Castiel back in that airport.   
  
_"Don't you understand, Castiel? I'm doing this for your own good! The opportunities presented in New York aren't even half as good as the ones presented here, so you will be staying in London," Naomi had informed._  
  
_"What about Anna? She lives in New York, so why aren't you making the same case for her?" Castiel demanded._  
  
_"Anna's different. She was never one to listen to me or your step-father, and I learned to let her go years ago," Naomi moved close to him to put her hands on his shoulders. "But you, Castiel, are capable of wonderful things. You've taken the right path your whole life, so listen to me when I say that London is your best option."_  
  
_"But my whole life is in New York. I have friends there, relationships there that I would have to rebuild if I came here. So I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to go," Castiel said._  
  
_"Listen to me, Castiel. I'm doing this to protect you."_  
  
_"Protect me? Protect me from what?" Castiel exclaimed._  
  
_"From yourself, Castiel! I've done my best to ignore it in the past, but I can't do it any longer. Ever since that unconventional relationship you had with that boy in the past, you've been different."_  
  
_"Are you talking about my relationship with Balthazar? Is that what this is about? Me being gay, even though I'm not even gay?" Castiel shouted. He never felt sexually attracted to anyone really, not unless he got to knew them very well. Gender made no difference to him._  
  
_"Yes, Castiel. I can help fix you if you're here with me," Naomi insisted._  
  
_"Fix me? I'm not broken, Naomi!" The use of his mother's first name had shocked her as she took a step back. They'd been standing on the curb outside the hospital, right beside the smoking area, so the smoke curled around Castiel's noise uncomfortably as he waited for Naomi to say something back._  
  
_"If that's what you think, Castiel, then fine. I won't force you to stay." She turned on her heels and began walking towards the cab area, not giving Castiel another glance._  
  
The next time they saw each other, it was Anna's graduation, and that had been awkward to say the least.  
  
"Anna, I don't know if I can just patch things up with her," Castiel whispers. Anna comes around and wraps an arm around Castiel.  
  
"You don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought you had the right to know." Anna looks down at the journal Castiel has been reading and an impressed look overtakes her face. "Gender reassignment surgery? Will it be male to female?"   
  
"Yes, I'm on Crowley's service for the week."  
  
"Are you enjoying life as a third year resident?"  
  
"Yes, I am. Are you finding life as an attending general surgeon riveting?" Castiel teases.  
  
"It's actually quite the job, though I better be getting back to the floor before my patient starves." Anna turns to begin walking to the door, her red hair fanning out as she does. "Talk to you later, okay?"   
  
Castiel nods as she steps out of the room, and he picks up the journal to resume reading. 

\- - -

After Dean gets to work on Thursday, he's immediately accosted by Crowley.  
  
"There you are, Winchester. I've been trying to track you down for days," Crowley snipes, his fingers smoothing out creases in the white coat he's wearing.  
  
"Not for something bad, I hope?" It's entirely too early to be talking to Crowley right now, especially since Crowley's not even Dean's boss or anything.  
  
Crowley nods his head to where his office is. "Depends on if you're willing to follow me to my office." Without waiting for an answer, Crowley starts walking away, and because Dean's curious, he follows the shorter man. When they arrive in Crowley's office, Crowley motions for him to have a seat.  
  
"You're not firing me or anything, right? Are you even allowed to do that?" Dean asks, though his heart's in his throat.  
  
"The opposite, actually. The hospital's offering you a promotion," Crowley answers, and wait, what?  
  
"Promotion? What are you talking about?" Dean squints down at the papers Crowley places in front of him. He glances through the fine print, his heart thundering away. Chief Nursing Officer. He's being offered Jody's job. "Why are you giving this to me?"  
  
"Well, Jody was going to ask you herself, but she's been caught up in a couple things, so I offered to do it for her. For old time's sake," Crowley leers. Dean remembers when Jody told Dean about the awkward dates she and Crowley went on before breaking things off.  
  
"But why me? Why now?" Dean can't help but ask questions.  
  
"Jody's decided to step down from the position to be able to spend more time with her daughter. The board and she were talking, and she mentioned how you'd helped her out last month and that you'd be a good candidate. I, obviously, gave my approval too."  
  
"There's so many better candidates though. A lot of nurses have been working a lot longer than I have; the position should go to them."  
  
Crowley leans back in his chair. "That may be true, but the board's reviewed it all and come to an agreement. You're the man for the job. The decision to take it, of course, is up to you. All you have to do is sign by the first week of September, and you've got it."  
  
Dean takes the papers into his hand, and stands up out of his chair. "I'll think about it." With that, he leaves Crowley's office and goes to the resident's lounge to get changed. When he gets home that night, he sends a copy of the papers to Sam to look over, and tells Castiel about it too. Both men are over the moon for him, but Dean still wants to think about it.  
  
He's got other things on his plate for the time being.

\- - -

When Bobby and Ellen drive by to pick John up a week later, Dean's not sure if he should be happy or sad to see John leaving.  
  
Obviously, Dean's glad that John is well enough to go back to Lawrence, but he also feels a little empty when he realizes that a big part of the past couple years had been making sure John was okay, even though John never really gave him the attention when he'd been younger. Dean thought he could at least keep John safe for Sam's sake, at least, so Dean kept him going. John got hurt because of Dean, after all.  
  
Still, he feels bittersweet to see the bastard getting into Bobby's old truck and walking away. John's legs are still bad, but he isn't paralyzed, yet he still has to be brought into Bobby's truck on a wheelchair, which he grumbles about on the entire way. Once he gets back home, he'll only have to walk using a support cane, which he's probably going to have to use for the rest of his life, even if the physical therapy goes well. It's not a heavy price to pay, since things could have ended up a lot worse.  
  
Dean still hasn't told John about his relationship with Cas. Of course, it's barely a couple weeks old, but he still feels wrong about keeping Castiel a secret from John. Cas deserves more than that. In fact, Cas was able to tell Naomi back when they were still fake dating, even though Naomi never approved of the last relationship Cas had been in.  
  
A couple days ago, Cas had also called Gabriel to let him know about their relationship, and Cas had put the phone on speaker, so Dean got an earful of exactly how pissed Gabe's been at Dean for being clueless for all these years. Gabe was still happy for them though.  
  
Dean doubts John is going to feel the same way.  
  
So he drowns himself in his work, seeing patient after patient. He also makes sure to spend time with Charlie and Benny to keep things off his mind.   
  
However, it's Cas who proves to be the best distraction.  
  
Dean wakes up on the rare day off they both have and turns over on the bed, trying to get his morning started correctly by kissing Castiel.   
  
"Dean," Cas mumbles, pushing Dean away. "What time is it?"  
  
"It's eight," Dean answers, leaning back in to captures Castiel's mouth. Although, Cas pushes him away again and rolls over onto his stomach, shoving his face into his pillow.  
  
"It's too fucking early, Dean. Go back to sleep," Cas grouches. The rare curse from Cas does nothing to flag Dean's arousal, so he attempts again to convince Cas to wake up.  
  
"Come on, Cas. We barely get the same day off from work. We gotta make full use of it."  
  
Cas turns and peeks one blue eye open at Dean. "You can go make full use of it doing whatever you want. I'll join you at noon." Cas turns back on the pillow to go back to sleep, and Dean knows it's a lost cause, so he gets up out of bed with a sigh. As he waits for Cas to join him in the land of the living, he showers, eats, and even goes to the laundromat across the street to do the laundry. When he gets back to the apartment, Cas is sitting awake in the living room, staring at the TV with an unimpressed look on his face.  
  
"Wow, Cas, it's only been a couple of hours, I'm impressed," Dean teases, taking a seat beside Cas.  
  
"I would have slept for longer, but I got a phone call that woke me up."  
  
"Really? Who was it from?" Dean wonders, looking at the TV to see what Cas is watching. It's some documentary on dolphins on the Discovery Channel. Of course.  
  
Cas glances away from the TV to look at Dean. "It was from Naomi," he sighs. Oh right, Cas told Dean about how his mom was coming back to America last week. Dean felt sorry for the guy, since things between them have been rocky for years.   
  
"Did you pick up?" Dean asks as Cas puts the mug in his hands down.  
  
"No, I didn't really want to. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate my attitude before I had a cup of coffee in me," Cas says.  
  
"Hey, I appreciate your morning attitude just fine," Dean grins, nosing at Cas' neck. His hands move of their own volition to press against Castiel's hips, his breath catching when Castiel cranes his neck in invitation to Dean's mouth. Immediately, Dean sets about laving at the crook of Cas' collarbone, first only using his tongue before he adds in teeth. At the same time, his hands move to press against where Cas is hardening against his black boxers. Cas bites his lip while Dean sucking hard at his pulse point, making a gorgeous breathy noise as Dean kisses the mark he just made.   
  
"I see you," Cas gasps again as Dean presses the heel of his palm to Cas' cock through his boxers, "haven't forgotten about your mission from before."   
  
"I never forget," Dean whispers, finally catching Castiel's lips in his. His mouth is warm on Dean's, the inside of it tasting like the coffee he'd been drinking. After a minute, Cas leans back from Dean's mouth and starts descending down his body, his hands going straight for the zipper on Dean's jeans.   
  
"You're wearing entirely too many clothes," Cas growls, popping the button on Castiel's jeans. He pulls the zipper of Dean's pants down with his teeth, making Dean moan at the sight.   
  
Cas waste no time in getting Dean out of his jeans, and then he pulls Dean's boxers down just enough to release Dean's cock. He throws a smirk up at Dean before he kisses the head, gently, his fingers holding onto Dean's hips. Then he's swallowing Dean down like a champ, little by little. The wet heat of Cas' mouth has Dean keening above him, scrambling to grip at Cas' dark hair for something to hold on to.   
  
His fingers twist in Cas' hair as Cas nudges Dean's cock further and further into his mouth, until his cock is nudging at the back of his throat. All Dean wants to do is thrust up into the suction of Cas' mouth, but he definitely doesn't want to hurt the guy. However, Cas looks up at Dean with wide eyes and an expectant look, making Dean struggle to hold his hips down.  
  
"You telling me to move?" Dean groans out, his breathing ragged. Cas gives a nod around his cock, but Dean still remains steady. "Jesus, Cas, I thought you said you haven't done this in years. I don't want to hurt you."   
  
Cas slides his mouth off of Dean's dick so he can answer. "I haven't, but I'd like to try it with you, if you have no objection." He leans back down and licks the length of Dean's cock before fastening his lips back to it, bobbing up and down at the end.  
  
"Fuck, you're killing me, man," Dean grinds out. Then, he starts thrusting his hips up in time steadily, fucking into Cas' mouth. The other man keeps on taking it, making noises of approval around Dean's cock, like he can't get enough of it.  
  
All too quickly, Dean feels the rubber band in him pull tighter and tighter, about to snap, and Dean can't have that happen yet, so Dean urges Cas up with the grip he has on Cas' hair. Castiel comes up, pushing Dean down until Dean's back hits the cushions, pressing his lips to Dean's mouth. The kiss is filthy, bruising Dean's lips as Cas' mouth takes and takes while Dean gives all he can.  
  
He realizes Cas' boxers are tented, and breaks away to pull Cas' cock out, rubbing his thumb over Cas' length as Cas breathes out into the crook of Dean's neck.  
  
"Don't stop," Cas manages in-between breaths. Dean smiles crookedly as he continues moving his hand along Cas' cock, twisting his wrist over it. He halts after a minute to line his hips with Cas', and then they're moving in a rhythm only known to them.   
  
It's moments like this when Dean can barely understand how much his life has changed. He still can't believe this moment is something he's worthy of having, that Cas is someone he's worthy of having.   
  
He pulls Cas' lips into another kiss as they grind against one another, both groaning when their cocks press together in just the right way. After a beat, Cas' hips stutter against Dean's, and then he's coming in the next second.  
  
"Dean," Cas groans out, his eyes squeezing shut as he does so.   
  
It doesn't take long for Dean to follow, and then they're both boneless on the couch. Cas eventually sits up from where he'd collapsed on top of Dean, and he begins carding his fingers through Dean's hair.   
  
Dean remains silent as Cas stares down at him with so much adoration in his eyes that Dean has to look away. His eyes fall on the TV where the documentary is still droning on, and he chuckles as he flits his eyes back to Cas'.   
  
The chuckle dies down when Dean notices the mess on his blue t-shirt.   
  
"Aw fuck, I literally just took the clothes to the laundry," he groans.   
  
Cas huffs a laugh at Dean's dismay. "You'll be fine," he says as he climbs off of Dean.  
  
Dean hopes the words prove true for more than just the matter of his clothing.  

\- - -

He sees Krissy Chambers on the first floor, before he starts making his rounds in the morning. She's seated in a waiting room, and she seems to be all alone.

"Hey kiddo, you here to get your cast off?" Dean asks, gesturing to her left leg, where it's bound.

"No, I'm not getting it off yet. I'm just getting a different type of cast. I still have to keep my cast on for three more weeks, at the least," Krissy harrumphs, crossing her arms across her chest. 

"Well, a broken leg has some benefits, right? You get out of gym class, at least," Dean offers.

Her dark hair is pulled back from her face in a high ponytail, and it whips back and forth as she shakes her head. "No, I actually like gym. Especially when we play dodge ball. It gives me a chance to take my anger out."

"Anger? What could you be angry at?"

"Well, there's my math teacher who refuses to change my grade because of a test I missed. Then there's also my Dad, but I'm always angry at him for leaving me alone half the time." Krissy admits, looking down at the ground. A nurse doesn't seem to be coming anytime soon, so Dean takes the seat next to her.

"Wait, then who brought you here today?"

"Oh, it was my Dad. I think he went outside to make a phone call or something. It sucks though, cause it's just me and him, so it's been hard to get around my house when he's not there."

Dean nods at her words. "I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I know where you're coming from."

At this, Krissy looks up from the ground. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. My Dad wasn't exactly there for me when I was growing up," Dean sighs.

"Well, what about now? If he's still around, considering how old you are," Krissy jokes.

"Hey, I haven't even hit thirty yet, so don't go around calling me old. But no, he isn't exactly here for me now, but that might be because I'm avoiding him myself." 

After Dean doesn't elaborate, Krissy raises her eyebrows at him. "And? You're not gonna elaborate?"

"I'm avoiding telling him something, because I don't know how it's gonna go over with him. Kinda my fault for keeping things from him, I guess."

"Listen, if there's one thing I learned after all these years, it's that things are better when you communicate. Or else, my Dad wouldn't even be here for the time he is. It's the small victories that count, right?" Krissy questions.

Her words bring him comfort, no matter how little. He still can't help but feel like he's on the precipice of something, and one more step and he'll fall off the cliff. It all scares him, and threatens to ruin the blanket of security he's wrapped around himself thanks to his friends and family.

"Yeah, right." Just as Dean's about to say more, he sees a nurse he doesn't know enter the room out of the corner of his eyes. "Hey, I better get going. You take care of yourself, alright?" He gets up out of the chair and makes his way back to the door, moving around the nurse.

Krissy gives him a big smile, waving at him. "Sure, Dean. I'll probably be seeing you soon sometime." Dean waves back at her and exits the room, going toward the elevators to go back up to the Pediatric floor. He closes his eyes as he waits, still imagining that cliff, still wondering what it would feel like to take that one step. 


	14. Heirloom

He's a pro at ignoring things usually, but this is just one thing that Dean can't get out of his head.  
  
All through the day, he's barely there when he's talking to his patients, ever since the talk he had with Sam last night. In it, Sam lectured him about keeping things from John and how he'd better tell him before John finds out some other way about Dean's relationship. He's so distracted with it that he barely notices Charlie talking to him.   
  
"Hello? Earth to Dean?" Charlie waves a hand across his face.  
  
"Sorry, I was just thinking about some things," Dean says.  
  
Charlie huffs at him. "Yeah, you've been doing that a lot this past week. Anything you wanna tell me about?"   
  
"Nah, nothing worth noting," Dean shrugs it off.  
  
"Dean, I've known you for years, and I know something's off about you," Charlie gives Dean a sympathetic expression. "Is it about your dad or something?"  
  
Dean doesn't say another word, so Charlie must realize that she's just hit the bulls-eye because her expression softens further.   
  
"I know this past month has been tough for you, but it's not good to keep things bottled up, ya know," Charlie says as she scoots down in the bench to get closer to Dean. They're sitting in Dean's favorite spot in the courtyard, and yet Dean's not finding any comfort in the place for once.  
  
"The problem has more to do with not telling John something," Dean bites his lip.  
  
Charlie's brows furrow as she tries to puzzle out what he's talking about, but then her pager buzzes, and she jumps apart from Dean.  
  
"Oh crap, I'd really love to stay and talk, but I gotta get going. Whatever it is you're not telling him though, you should really tell him. You don't wanna regret anything later," Charlie advises as she leaps up to the door.  
  
Charlie, of course, is right. It's not good for Dean to keep thinking about this so much to the point where it's unhealthy. He promises himself he's going to tell John by the end of the day.  
  
When the end of the day does come around, Dean's fingers waver over the call button on his phone. The number is Bobby's, since John still hasn't gotten another phone yet, but he's still scared to dial it. Maybe he should wait until tomorrow when Cas is home, since Cas is working a twenty-four hour shift today, but then he swallows his fears and presses on the call button.   
  
_"Hello?"_  Bobby's voice grumps through the line.  
  
"Hey, Bobby, can you give the phone to John?" A part of Dean hopes that John has already gone to sleep.  
  
_"Yeah, gimme a minute,"_  Bobby says, making Dean's hope wither away. He taps his fingers on the edge on the nightstand, since he's sitting in his bed right now. It's only nine at night, but the heaviness has been following him around all day to the point where it's tiring Dean.  
  
_"Dean?"_  John asks over the phone.  _"Why you calling?"_  
  
Dean takes a deep breath and prays to a God he doesn't even believe in anymore that things won't go too badly. "Hi, Dad, I called to tell you something," he says then pauses.  
  
_"Well out with it, boy. I'm not getting any younger,"_  John urges. Dean closes his eyes as he says the words he's been thinking about for weeks.  
  
"Listen, uh, here's the thing." One more deep breath. "I'm in a relationship with someone. Well, with a guy, to be more specific." It's silent over the line after Dean talks for so long that Dean checks to see if the call hasn't been cut off, but it's still there. John had met Castiel for the first time during his stay in the hospital, but John hadn't really paid him much attention.   
  
_"What do you mean by guy?"_  John asks, and Dean's not sure how to answer.  
  
"I mean that I have a boyfriend, and I'm not planning on losing him anytime soon."  
  
_"Who the fuck's your boyfriend?"_  John shouts into the phone, making Dean's hopes get slashed just as soon as they'd appeared. The curse cuts into him as if it's trying to hit Dean right where it will hurt him the most.  
  
"You met him, actually. It's my roommate, Castiel," Dean answers.   
  
John chuckles.  _"I shoulda figured it out. No sane man has a roommate at your age that he's not fucking."_  
  
That makes a wave of anger rise up in Dean. "Watch what you're saying."  
  
_"Not my fault you decided to turn gay while I was in a coma."_  
  
"I'm not gay. I'm bisexual."  
  
_"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"_  
  
"It means that I like guys and girls."  
  
_"Yeah, well you think Mary woulda wanted you to be fucking bisexual? You think she would have been proud of her son being with a man? With her son being a goddamn nurse? Hell, I think she wouldn't even wanna call you her son,"_  John practically hisses. The words cut deep into Dean, leaving him feeling hollow and empty. Would Mary hate him that much because of who he is? The thought has him shaking where he stands.  
  
"I'm _—_ "  
  
_"Don't even get me started about how you failed the one job you had. You were supposed to look out for Sammy, and what do you do? You move to the other goddamn end of the country to go live in the company of another man, and then your stupidity gets me screwed over. You were the one who put me in the hospital, Dean. I wouldn't have even been there if you'd just listened to me in the first place. I know I was coming to clear things up, but fuck, I'm glad I never got the chance to. And then you dragged Bobby and Ellen and everyone into the mess. And you get Sam dragged into it too, even though he's got better things to do than deal with your sorry ass. If I was him, I'd probably hate your guts,"_  John growls.   
  
A burning sensation picks up behind Dean's eyelids, and his chest is so tight he feels like he's being choked. John's right. Of course he is. He's finally saying what Dean's known for all these years: that he's nothing but a fuck-up. Mary wouldn't wanna call him his son, and Sam probably wishes Dean wasn't his brother.   
  
"I'm sorry," Dean whispers. He doesn't know what else to say, because he is sorry. He's sorry he got John has a son like him, one that dragged him through the muck for years. He's sorry he never listened, he's sorry he never took care of Sam properly. He's sorry about all of it, and he doesn't know how he's gonna make things better.   
  
_"Well, that doesn't change the truth."_  The line disconnects, leaving Dean holding the phone with tears in his eyes. But he doesn't want to cry, he doesn't want to feel anything at all. So he blinks away the tears that threaten to fall, and he goes straight for the liquor cabinet in the kitchen.   
  
The first thing his fingers close around is a bottle of whiskey, so that's what he pulls out. He doesn't bother with a glass, cracking open the bottle and taking a gulp. It makes the tears spring back to his eyes, along with making him cough, but he takes more in. He doesn't know how but he manages to stumble back to the living room. Once he gets there, he continues shooting down whiskey until he finally starts to feel something.   
  
He can't get what John said out of his mind. Dean knew he wasn't the best son or the brother, but he thought he'd been doing okay. But John's words did nothing but remind him of the fight they'd had that day before he went off to New York, where John had yelled at him for abandoning his family to do what he wanted. Dean had told him that he wasn't abandoning them, it's just that without Sam, there was suddenly nothing tying him to Lawrence. Sure, there was Bobby, Ellen, and Jo, but they all had their lives, and so now this was Dean's chance to live out his. To get the best education he could, so he was gonna take the opportunity. It hadn't gone over well with John at all.  
  
Still, a part of Dean had hoped that John would forget it all. That part had been reawakened when he heard John was in New York City to make amends, but obviously it hadn't happened. And yeah, John may have said thanks to Dean for keeping him going a few weeks ago after John had woken up, but Dean didn't deserve the thanks when it was his fault to begin with.   
  
Everything was always his fault, so he just wants to forget for one night.  
  
He brings the bottle up to his lips again, hand still shaking.

\- - -

He gets drunk within two hours.  
  
It gets to the point where he's lying back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. Instead of the usual warm feeling he gets when he has a drink, he's so far gone that he doesn't feel anything anymore. Just numb. It's exactly what he wanted.   
  
He's not thinking about much of anything, that is, until he looks at the clock. Fuck, his shift is supposed to start in less than half an hour, and he's wasted.   
  
The thought of him being chosen to be promoted makes him laugh.   
  
Maybe if he rushes, he can change and make it to the hospital with time to spare. After all, he's not too far gone, right?   
  
Dean stumbles to his feet, the empty bottle in his hand clunking to the floor, shattering into pieces. He doesn't pay the glass much attention, and focuses on getting up instead, but the world around him sways. It's like someone tilted everything to the right, so Dean's left stumbling to keep up with the change. He braces his hands against the wall until he gets to the bedroom. He picks through the closet, coming across Castiel's shirts. Huh, he hadn't even thought about Cas in the past couple hours. The other man's probably just waiting to let him go; he's gonna take one look at Dean and realize what a fuck-up Dean is. And then he's gonna run for the hills, wondering what possessed him to fall in love with such a mess of a man.  
  
The thought breaks through his emotionless demeanor, it hits like a blow to his chest. Who's he kidding; he knows Cas. And he knows that Cas is too nice to break up with Dean. So Dean's gonna have to do the breaking up himself.  
  
Sure, they've only been together for three weeks, but it's better to cut things off before they can really begin. Even if they're already in too deep. It's better for both of them in the grand scheme of things. And if Cas still wants to stick around, then he can, but Dean doubts that's gonna happen.   
  
It'll be like the break-up they were always planning on having.  
  
And it sucks. Because he loves Cas, he loves every part of him, even though he hasn't had to courage to say it yet. He knows he's never gonna find anyone like Castiel again, that he could search every nook and cranny in the universe and never come close to finding another Castiel. Because he's always been there for Dean, because he's stuck with him through all his bullshit.  _Because he looks at you like you put the stars in the sky and stitched them into place._  And that's why he can't let Cas be with him any longer, lest he get too attached to Dean. He won't let himself hurt Cas, if he can help it.   
  
He resigns himself to doing it the next time he sees Cas and clumsily changes his clothes. After that, he goes out the door, though it takes him a minute to lock it correctly. At first, he wants to take a subway to the hospital, but he'd rather not be around anyone right now, not when it's almost six o'clock on a Friday night. Not when he's about to go through a night shift, one that he's gonna spend feeling like shit.  
  
So he decides to take a cab. He rattles off the hospital's address to the driver, and he must slur his words too much, because the driver doesn't start the car immediately.  
  
"You okay, man?" The man asks. Of course it would be Dean's luck to get a courteous cab driver. Of fucking course.  
  
"I'm peachy, just drive." He keeps his reply neat, trying to keep his voice even enough to convince the guy to drop it. It must be enough, since the car pulls onto the road, but Dean doesn't feel the car moving under him, not really. He still feels unattached to his surroundings, and he knows he shouldn't be going to work right now, but if he has to sit in the apartment with John's words floating around his skull for one more minute, he's gonna explode. Or do something stupid like drink even more.  
  
Alcohol's been like his saving grace in these kinds of situations. It's always there for him when he's been thinking about him mom too much, it's there when he misses Sam, and it was there for him right now when he needed it. It'll probably be there for him when he breaks up with Cas, too.  
  
But thinking of that has his throat closing up, so he'd rather just stick to not thinking about anything at all for the time being.  

\- - -

When Castiel steps out of the hospital, he's slightly worried. He knew Dean's shift was for six o'clock, and his own shift had ended at six, so he'd expected to run into Dean before they weren't able to see each other for the next day. However, he's been waiting for ten minutes, and there's been no sign of Dean. The other man probably just came early and was probably already upstairs, or maybe he was just running late.  
  
So he goes out the revolving doors, trying to push the worry into the back of his mind. He's cutting through the hospital parking lot when he sees a blurry figure stumbling on the sidewalk and catching himself with the tree on his right. That's a bit troubling. Castiel walks in the direction of the figure, in case they're in need of medical help, except the closer he gets, the sharper the features become. And the more familiar the person gets, until Castiel has puzzled out that the figure, in fact, is Dean. He rushes to Dean, coming to a stop in front of him as Dean walks.  
  
"Dean? What the hell?" Castiel asks, taking in Dean's appearance. He looks completely disheveled, his hair a mess with bloodshot eyes. And that just makes Castiel's mind go to one route.  
  
"What are you doin' here, Cas?" Dean mumbles, and yes, that confirms his suspicions. Dean's breath smells like the inside of a distillery.   
  
"First tell me why you're drunk."  
  
"'M not drunk." Dean shrugs his shoulders, but his feet catch on the cracks of the sidewalk until he slopes forward. Castiel catches him with one hand, and moves him to sit on a nearby bench. Once they're both seated, Castiel turns to him.  
  
"Dean, you and I both know that you've been drinking. But why?" Dean only ever gets like this when he's been thinking about his family too hard. And there's nothing that could have triggered him into drinking himself stupid, not unless he decided to talk to talk to John about his sexuality, like he's been itching to.  
  
Crap, that must be it. It must have not gone over well at all if this is what Dean's state is.  
  
"You called your father, didn't you." This time, it's not a question, but a statement that Castiel knows to be true. But Dean's not meeting his eyes, looking down at his lap instead.   
  
He's still staring down when he answers. "Yeah, he didn't take things too well," Dean hiccups.  
  
Castiel chews on his bottom lip as he tries to figure out how to answer. "Tell you what, we'll go home, and you can tell me about it if you want."  
  
"Nah," Dean says, finally looking up at Castiel. "I got a shift I gotta do."  
  
"Like hell you're gonna do a twelve hour shift with your current state," Castiel bites out.  
  
"I'm fucking fine," Dean pushes to his feet, but he does it too quickly and falls back onto the bench.  
  
"You wanna tell me you're fine again?" Castiel raises an eyebrow at the other man, half-concerned, and half-angry. He knows it's not Dean's fault at all that his father's words are affecting him in this way, so his anger is toward John. The man doesn't deserve to have a son like Dean.  
  
"But we can't go home, 'cause then I'm gonna have to break up with you."  
  
It's like ice has been poured down Castiel's back. "What?" He croaks out.  
  
"Promised myself I'd break things off the next time I saw you."  
  
"But why?" Castiel knows that Dean's judgment is blurred right now, but Dean's words are sending shivers down his spine. He can't lose Dean now, not when he just got him. Not when they're finally together.  
  
"Can't talk now, gotta work." Dean gets up without stumbling this time and goes toward the hospital again, but Castiel clenches his jaw and puts an arm on Dean's shoulder before he can get too far.  
  
"There's no way you're going to work right now. I'll call Jody and let her know what's up, and she'll hopefully be able to find someone to cover your shift."  
  
Dean droops at his words, the fight leaving him as quickly as it appeared. "Yeah, let her know how I'm too fucked up to take her job while you're at it." Castiel takes a deep breath, all the words he wants to say at the tip of his tongue, but he won't let them spill now. Not while they're in plain view of anyone who wants to look.  
  
Castiel decides not to say anything further at all, and instead, he loops an arm around Dean's waist to guide him back to the main area of the street where they can find a cab to take them home. There's no time to take the subway right now.  
  
Once he manages to get into a cab with Dean, the other man has fallen silent. Castiel makes a phone call to Jody, who he knows is on her dinner break right now, and informs her that Dean isn't feeling well enough to make it to his shift right now. Jody says she'll try to find someone to cover for him, and that's the end of their talk. Following that, the air is thick with tension, which leaves Castiel thinking about what Dean said. What could he have done to make Dean want to break up with him? It probably had to do with something John said.  
  
After they get out of the cab and begin going up the stairs to get to their apartment, he's still trying to figure out what to say to Dean first. Should he address the Dean's thoughts about breaking up first, or should he address the phone call with his father?   
  
He doesn't get to do either, however, since Dean goes straight for the bathroom once they get inside. A few seconds later, Castiel hears the tell-tale noise of Dean throwing up, since he probably drank without eating anything. Castiel sighs and heads into the kitchen to get a glass of water for Dean for after he's done. Although, the other man is still retching as Castiel stands in the kitchen with a full glass of water, so he goes to the bathroom, stopping in the doorway. Dean's on his knees, hands bracketed around the toilet seat. It seems that he's stopped throwing up, and he's moved on to taking shaky breaths. His breathing is ragged and shaky, beads of sweat on the back of his neck.  
  
"Dean?" Castiel prods after a moment passes.  
  
Green eyes look up to meet his, and that's when Castiel sees the tears brimming in Dean's eyes. It has Castiel's heart seizing until he knees down to Dean's level.   
  
"Here," Castiel manages, holding out the glass of water. Dean flushes the toilet and takes the glass from Castiel's fingers. He gulps down the water gratefully. "Do you want to talk now?"   
  
Dean nods, the tears still in his eyes as he rests up against their bathtub. Castiel does the same, but he keeps a foot of space between them in case Dean needs it.  
  
Castiel's throat feels as thick as syrup as he speaks. "Did you really mean it? Do you want to break up?" He's scared to hear what Dean has to say.  
  
"I don't wanna, but we're gonna have to."  
  
That makes Castiel furrow his eyebrows. "Why do we have to?"  
  
"Because I'm not good for you. I'm not good for anyone." Dean lets out a bitter laugh, and it has the anger rising in Castiel again.  
  
"And where did you come across that idea?"  
  
"It's been in front of me my whole life, Cas! Everyone's told me about it, and it's about time I start believing them."  
  
"Everyone? You mean your father?" Castiel growls.  
  
"Yes, I mean my Dad! I should have listened to him and never come to New York. Things could of been a lot simpler if I did."   
  
"If you never came here, we never would have met," Castiel reasons.  
  
"I know."  
  
"And you still wish you hadn't?" He holds his breath as he waits to hear Dean's answer.  
  
"I don't know, Cas. I don't know shit right now. All I know is that if you and me are through with, it's one thing I can cross off my to-do list."  
  
"Why would you want to do that?"  
  
"Because I'm toxic! I hurt everyone I touch, and I'm gonna end up hurting you one day." Dean looks at him, the tears now gone from his eyes and replaced by a blank stare. Castiel can't stand to look at him for another second.  
  
"If that's what you think, then fine. But understand that no, you are not toxic, Dean Winchester. The thoughts you have may be, but I know that your soul is anything but. You assist people for a living; you're anything but toxic."  
  
"Yeah? Name one person that I've helped that I haven't gotten paid to help."  
  
"Me, for one," Castiel answers. "You helped me whenever I felt like my life was falling apart, when I felt like my mother was choking me with her words. You were there for those times, so please,  _please_  let me be there for you now. Don't push me away," Castiel begs.   
  
"But I can't _—_ "  
  
"Distancing yourself from the people that love you is not going to help anyone, Dean. Please let me in." Castiel's voice cracks on his last sentence, and it makes Dean close his eyes.   
  
"I'm sorry, Cas, I just can't," Dean says without opening his eyes.  
  
"Fine, then look at me and tell me you want to end things with me. Say it without looking away," Castiel challenges.  
  
Dean flickers his eyes open to gaze into Castiel's. Whatever he sees in them has Dean taking a shaky breath. "I wanna _,_ uh, I want," Dean's breath hitches as he looks back down. "Fuck, don't ask me to do something you know I'm never gonna be able to."  
  
"Then please talk to me. Tell me what exactly is wrong." Dean says nothing for one minute, and it has Castiel pushing up out of where he was sitting. "Fine, then I'll be waiting until you're ready." He gets up and goes into the living room, hoping distance with do Dean some good. God, he loves the man, but the way he thinks about himself is nothing but noxious. If only Dean could see that to Castiel, he's the sun, and without him, Castiel would feel the absence of heat. Not cold, for that would be something in place of the heat, when he really would just feel the absence. Something missing, something lost, something incomplete. Someone gone.   
  
He's so distracted that Castiel doesn't look where he's going when he goes into the living room, and as a result, his left foot steps in a pile of broken glass. He lets out a scream as he feels it break through his skin, sink deep into his heel until the pain shoots through him like strikes of lightning that never end.   
  
It's jarring, to say the least.  
  
He hears Dean stumble into the room as Castiel grips the coffee table, hunched over in pain.  
  
"Oh crap, Cas, I'm so sorry. I'll go get a first-aid kit, fuck." Dean shoots out of the room as Castiel maneuvers himself onto the couch, careful not to step on anymore glass. He waits until Dean reappears, panicked with a pale face.  
  
"Dean, it's alright. It's not too bad," Castiel grits out.  
  
Dean rolls his eyes. "You stepped on pieces of glass, Cas, you're not alright. Now let me help," Dean insists as he sits down and takes Castiel's foot, propping it up onto a pillow from the couch, and moving it to rest in his lap.  
  
"The blood's going to get on the pillow," Castiel says.  
  
"We can get new pillows," Dean says as he cracks open the first aid kit. Inside it, Dean pulls out a pair of tweezers along with antiseptic wipes. "This is gonna sting, so just hold on." Dean goes about cleaning the area where the glass entered, and it stings so much that Castiel can't help but let out a whimper.  
  
"I thought you were drunk," Castiel addresses, trying to focus his mind on anything but the pain.  
  
"Sobered up back there," Dean offers as he continues cleaning the area. Once that's done, he applies pressure around the area where the glass entered. Luckily, there's only two pieces of glass inside the heel of Castiel's foot, or else matters could have been a lot worse.  
  
"I'm sorry," Dean says again.   
  
"It's alright," Castiel repeats.  
  
"No, it's not. You got hurt because I broke that bottle, Cas, and I was too stupid to pick it up. It's my fault, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Dean whispers. "I'm sorry about all of it, I'm sorry about wanting to break up with you, and I'm sorry you have to deal with me," Dean apologizes, the words flowing out of him all at once. He's stopped studying Castiel's foot and is instead looking directly at him.  
  
"It's not your fault, Dean."   
  
"It's just that my dad gets inside my head a lot, you know? He told me that my mom would be disappointed to have a son like me, and that I'm a burden to everyone. He said Sam should hate me. I can just imagine the way he looked when he said it," Dean divulges, closing his eyes. His words make the fiery rage rise in Castiel again, and he wants to go and comfort Dean, but he's stuck in his spot until his foot is treated.

Dean's eyes remain closed, his hands shaking where they're wrapped around Castiel's foot. Castiel can feel the tension rolling off of him in waves, his face twisted in pain. It's heartbreaking.

Castiel places his grip on Dean's right knee, the closest place he can reach. "Dean, come back to me."

A sigh escapes from Dean's lips, and then he sucks in a breath. "Sorry."  
  
"You don't have anything to be sorry for. His words mean nothing at all. Do you think that your mother would be disappointed in the man you've become?"  
  
"Um, no?"  
  
"Do you think your brother is angry with you?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Do you think you're a burden to those around you?"  
  
"I'd like to think I'm not."  
  
"Then there you have it. What he says doesn't matter. You're an incredible person. You go out and help children every day, and you're certainly not a burden. You're the opposite of one. You make me want to be a better person," Castiel says. It's like he can't stop now that he's begun. "I knew it from the moment I met you that you'd have a profound effect on me because that's just who you are. You help people, you're a caretaker and a giver. So no, Dean, I will not bear to hear you say that you're worthless or toxic or a burden. You're worth so much more than you believe you are, and you don't need anyone's stamp of approval to live your life. Certainly not your father's. And if you'll have me, I'd like it if you weren't trying to break up with me to protect me because I want all of you, and I'm never going to stop." His voice is croaky by the end of his speech, pain still coasting through him from his injury, but he hopes he gets the message across.   
  
His words seem to break through whatever barrier Dean's been keeping around himself, since the other man's eyes are brimming with tears. One of them spills down his cheek, and Castiel wishes he could brush it away with his finger, wishes he could kiss his cheek.  
  
"You know I love you, right?" Dean breathes out, his eyes still glistening. It has the warmth returning back to his chest, the pain vaporizing almost immediately.   
  
"I know," Castiel replies, a coy smile on his face. "Hurry up and fix my leg so I can kiss you."   
  
Dean chuckles and does just that, whispering sorry once more as Castiel groans in pain as the glass leaves him. Once Dean gives him stitches, Castiel swings his leg down gently and finally plants a soft kiss on Dean's lips, then pecks his forehead.  
  
"I really am sorry about your foot, though," Dean says.  
  
"You can make it up to me one day."  
  
"Okay. Maybe I'll take you out for a real date sometime," Dean jokes.  
  
Castiel laughs and leans into Dean. They're both quiet again as the clock ticks the seconds by. Dean breaks the silence.  
  
"Listen, I'll uh, see about talking to Dr. Moseley again sometime. I figure time with her couldn't hurt," Dean mutters, referring to his old psychiatrist, who also happens to be a friend of theirs.   
  
"That's great, Dean. You should call Sam though, maybe talk to him some more about your father," Castiel suggests. Dean opens his mouth to answer just as Dean's phone begins to ring, Zeppelin's voice filling the air.  
  
"Speak of the devil," Dean says. He wipes at the tears under his eyes as he takes the call, giving Castiel one last kiss before he gets up to talk.   
  
Castiel watches him go with a smile on his face. Yes, Dean's going to need some more help before he stops blaming himself for everything. And yes, he's going to have to figure out how to patch things up with his father, if he even wants to do that. And yes, there's the whole other issue regarding Naomi coming back, but he shoves that to the back of his mind for the time being.  
  
Things aren't the best right now, but he knows there's nothing they can't overcome as long as they have each other. 


	15. Dear True Love

"Have you accepted the job yet?" Missouri Moseley asks him, crossing her legs.   
  
"I'm about to give the paperwork in as soon as I get back to the hospital," Dean answers. He's at the tail end of his appointment with Dr. Moseley, and it's been going great so far. Sure, it's his third appointment, only having time for one appointment a week, but Dean is feeling a lot better about everything that's gone on in the past few years. Having a listening ear that's not Sam or Cas is refreshing, and he genuinely likes Dr. Moseley. She comes in to work at the hospital sometimes, which is how they met, and well, she may be rough around the edges, but she knows how to work with people. If Dean's being honest, she reminds him of Ellen in a way.  
  
"And why did you make the decision to accept it?" She prods.  
  
"Well, I wasn't gonna take it at first. I mean, Cas and Sam were saying that I should, but I didn't really know if I was gonna be able to handle it. I didn't know how to manage myself, let alone everyone else. But it was on my mind all day yesterday, and I realized that I might never get this chance again, so I ought to take it. Change would do me good, I think," Dean explains. He really hadn't wanted to take on a job when he was still tying up loose ends in his life, but something new wouldn't hurt. And a job like this is something that comes rarely, so he should seize it while he can.   
  
"That's good. Have you called your father back yet?" Dr. Moseley asks, raising an eyebrow. Dean sighs internally. He called Sam the night after the night he hit rock bottom, and Sam was livid at what John said. Then, Sam called back later saying that he gave John a piece of his mind for his harsh words, and that John didn't argue much. And when Dean called two days ago, John hadn't apologized, but he didn't say anything rude either. It's not much, but it's a start.   
  
"Yeah, he didn't really say anything too homophobic or rude, but he didn't take his other words back either. He did ask how my job's going though, which was kinda nice."  
  
"I can't promise that things will get better, but you should keep trying, Dean. You never know when things will take a turn for the better. Now, you best be going or else you aren't gonna make that date with your boyfriend," Dr. Moseley says. Dean stands up from his spot on the leather couch and heads toward the door, his shoes tapping on the tiles.  
  
"See you next week," Dean waves. He turns the knob and exits the room, then the building. He and Cas have their third "official" date tonight, and he's not planning on missing it. Dean still feels horrible for being the cause of Castiel's foot injury, but he's been able to walk normally lately. Sure, three weeks ago, he was limping by at work, and he hadn't been able to put much weight on that foot, but it's healing now.   
  
If Dean were a poet, he'd think of the wound as a metaphor.  
  
When he gets back to the hospital, he runs straight into Benny, who's going out the door.  
  
"In a hurry, brother?" Benny asks, pausing in his tracks. He's also chewing gum, so his breath smells vaguely of mint.   
  
"Kinda. What about you?" Dean says.  
  
"I gotta get home to Andrea. I haven't been able to spend much time with her, and she's due in a couple weeks." Benny lets out a nervous chuckle. "I still don't know if I'm gonna make a good dad."  
  
"Hey," Dean says, leaning up against the wall by the entrance of the hospital. "You're gonna be a fucking awesome dad. You care for kids for a living, and caring for your own kid shouldn't be much different," Dean insists.   
  
Benny lets out a sigh. "I hope you're right, Dean." He flits his eyes back to the door, then back to Dean. "I really better get going though. Take care."  
  
"You too, man." Dean turns back to the hospital's interior, focusing back on trying to find Castiel. Maybe Dean should go look for him in the resident's lounge or the cafeteria? Or maybe he's still in surgery? 

Benny's voice breaks through his thoughts. "Don't strain yourself too hard. He's in the courtyard," Benny calls out, already out the door, laughing. Dean must be really transparent if Benny seems to know exactly why Dean's in a rush to get inside the hospital, but he walks to the courtyard with a bounce in his steps. Lately, they've been having lunch by that spot Dean loves in the courtyard, on what Charlie's dubbed Dean and Cas' bench, much to Dean's chagrin.   
  
Unsurprisingly, Cas is sitting on the bench, except the expression on his face isn't what Dean thought it would be. Castiel looks worried, his left fingers tapping out a beat on the space next to him, and that makes Dean feel worried himself as he approaches.   
  
"What's the matter?" Dean questions without introduction. He takes a seat on the bench, the tired wood creaking when he sits.  
  
"How did you know something was wrong?" Cas asks, and yup, something's definitely wrong because Cas' voice is all kinds of off.  
  
"I know because I've known you for six years," Dean says while rolling his eyes. "Now tell me what's wrong so I know who to kill," Dean jokes.   
  
That has Cas letting out a weak chuckle. "I don't think homicide will be necessary, Dean." Cas takes another breath, his eyes trained on an ant that's trailing through the cracks under their feet. "It's my mother."  
  
"What about her? Did she call you?" Naomi's been back for a week, but she hasn't tried to talk to Castiel yet. At least, not directly. Anna's been telling Cas about how much Naomi wants to talk to him, but Cas has been having none of it. And Dean thinks Cas should get all the time he needs before he goes confronting Naomi.  
  
"No, but Anna told me that she asked about me all last night. And then Gabriel just texted me saying Naomi reached out to Gabriel to get him to tell me to talk to her. And Naomi and Gabe aren't exactly on the best terms either," Castiel replies.   
  
"Sounds like she really wants to talk to you."  
  
"That's the thing, though. I find myself wanting to talk to her too," Castiel admits. Dean looks to him confusedly, though the other man is still looking down.  
  
"Are you serious?" Dean practically exclaims.  
  
"I realized that I can't hold a grudge forever. And if she wants to mend things, then I should at least give her a chance." Cas glances up and looks toward the sky.  
  
"Okay, but what else are you not telling me?"  
  
"What do you mean?" Cas asks, eyes fixed on the clouds.  
  
"You're not looking at me, man, so come on, tell me what you're not saying," Dean prompts.  
  
"Well, I told Anna to tell Naomi I'd talk to her," Cas says before pausing.  
  
"And?"  
  
"I forgot that we had a date planned tonight, so I told her that I would go talk to Naomi tonight," Cas sheepishly admits, finally looking at Dean. However, Dean doesn't find it in him to be angry at Castiel. Sure, they usually only have mutual nights off once a week, and yeah, Dean was looking forward to going on a trip to dinner down in SoHo, but that can wait for another day.  
  
"Okay," Dean opts to say, getting off the bench.  
  
"That's it? You're not going to tell me off?"  
  
Dean huffs as he holds out a hand for Cas to take, the other man using it to pull himself up. "If you wanna talk to your mom, then let's go talk to her." A thought occurs to Dean and it fills him with uncertainty. "Unless you don't want me to come with, if you think it's gonna make matters worse," he says apprehensively.  
  
"Of course I want you there with me. If not as my boyfriend, then at least come as my best friend. Okay?" Cas tightens his grip on Dean's fingers, sending a surge of warmth through Dean that doesn't have to do with the sun that beaming down on them.  
  
"Alright." They enter back into the hospital, the cool air snapping against their skin. "Oh, shit, I gotta go do something first."  
  
Cas raises an eyebrow at him, but doesn't say anything further.   
  
"I have to go sign those papers with Crowley for the new position," Dean tells, and a burst of excitement spreads over Castiel's face.  
  
"I'm pleased you've made your decision," Castiel says with a smile.  
  
"Yeah well, it's now or never, right? I kept the copy in my locker, so I'm gonna go grab it from the nurse's lounge and then I'll go find Crowley. Meet you back here in fifteen minutes?" Dean asks, since Cas still has to change out of his scrubs.  
  
"Of course." Castiel leans in and brushes his lips against Dean's cheek, a soft touch that's only there for a beat, then he releases his hold on Dean's hand.   
  
Castiel's figure fleets into the distance, so Dean turns to go to the nurse's lounge. They've only had a real relationship for a few weeks, and yet it feels like they've been together for years. In a way, he supposes they were always together. Two puzzle pieces that matched up, but neither aware of their compatibility.   
  
The gala, in a way, was a blessing. Or else they never would have gotten together.   
  
He gets to his locker to grab the papers. The sheets are curled up at the edges, but Dean carries it with purpose toward Crowley's office on the left wing. Even if Crowley isn't there, he can just drop it off on his desk or something. He wishes he could give it to Jody, but it was Crowley who really offered him the job, so it's Crowley he'll be giving the papers to.  
  
Luckily, the shorter man is seated in his desk, reading what looks to be an old journal, when Dean enters. He raps his knuckles against the door, but he doesn't wait to be called in.   
  
"Winchester! I was wondering if you were ever going to come around," Crowley greets, sliding the journal to the side.  
  
"Yeah, I made my decision."  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"I'm taking the job," Dean answers.  
  
"That's lovely, I'm sure Jody will be elated," Crowley enthuses. He doesn't smile at Dean, but his words seem sincere. "Have you signed the papers yet?"  
  
"No, but I brought 'em with me. I thought I'd sign in front of you. More official and stuff," Dean responds. He doesn't bother with sitting down in a chair, and instead takes a pen from the cup-holder and gets to work marking his initials and signature. Sam reviewed the papers over with him the other day, and he gave him the thumbs up in signing it. Surprisingly, the job was giving him more vacation days than Dean's had for the past few years, so they hadn't even needed to negotiate that.  
  
After he finishes presses ink to the page, he looks back up at Crowley.  
  
"All done," he says with a grin.  
  
"I'll be passing these papers on to Jody later on. Thank you for stopping by," Crowley dismisses.   
  
"Pleasure's all mine," Dean drawls. He leaves the room to go back to where Castiel stands, seeing that the other man's face has considerably paled since they last saw each other.  
  
"Ready?" Castiel croaks, though he looks anything but. Dean brings a hand to the other man's again, hoping the touch offers comfort.  
  
"Ready if you are," Dean reasons. At Castiel's nod, they begin walking out the doors of the hospital. 

\- - -

Naomi has not gotten any less polished than the last time Castiel saw her.   
  
Of course, that was then and this is now. Instead of the usual unimpressed scowl on her face, there's a gentle expression that Castiel hasn't seen in years. His mother is no villain, but she's not a saint either. Which makes Castiel question why she's trying so hard right now, when she hasn't tried in years.  
  
Castiel walked into Anna's apartment with his Dean right by his side. It's not that Castiel couldn't have this conversation without Dean, it's that he wants Dean to be here for this. If only for support.   
  
However, he and his mother have exchanged pleasantries, but neither have breached the topic at hand. Castiel's not going to say anything about it until Naomi does first.

He doesn't have to wait long. "You know I'm not one to beat around the bush, Castiel. I know you're here for an apology," she addresses. "And that's what you're going to get." The breath Castiel had been holding releases in a whoosh as he presses closer to Dean's side. The two of them are sitting on a couch across from Naomi, and Anna is hovering at the corner of the room.  
  
"Naomi, if you don't want to apologize you don't _—_ "  
  
"No, please, Castiel. This is long overdue." She looks out the window as she begins talking. "A few years ago, I lost my second husband, meaning your step-father, and it was hard to say the least. Losing him left a gap in my life, so I went to London to escape from the empty feeling I felt. And in London, I found new opportunities that I've never experienced. The only problem was that my children were not there with me. Time passed, and I wanted so badly for one of my children to join me. Gabriel moved out years ago, and Anna was always a little bit of a rebel. So my eyes fell on you, Castiel," she moves her eyes back to his as she says this. "You were not the perfect son I'd always wanted, but I loved you nonetheless. So I tried to get you to come to stay there with me. And when I was never fond of your relationship with Balthazar, so I hoped that bringing you closer to me would stop you from dating other men." Naomi's eyes flicker from Dean to Castiel. "After you told me you were in a relationship with Dean, I didn't know what to say. I admit that I cared more about your career than anything, but something about it nagged at me. I didn't realize that it was because I missed you until recently. I realized that due to my attitude, I was missing out on your life. And that's not something I intend to do any longer, as your mother. I hope you'll forgive me for the mistakes I've made," Naomi finishes.  
  
Castiel doesn't know what to say at first. It's the explanation he never got, but he doesn't know what to do with it. Should he accept her apology and move on? He only has one mother, while others have none.   
  
"You did it because you didn't want to be alone?"  
  
"That was only part of it. I needed to know that something in my life was going the way I planned, so I focused my energy on you," Naomi confesses.  
  
"And you're apologizing fully?"   
  
Naomi shoots her eyes between Castiel and Dean again, a soft look in her eyes. "If you wish to stay here, then I accept it. And if you wish to be together with Dean, then I'll accept that too." Naomi nods. "I'm glad Castiel has you," she says to Dean.   
  
"I'm happy to be here for him," Dean acknowledges.   
  
Castiel chews on his lip a little. If Naomi is really apologizing, then he should let bygones be bygones and accept. There's no use living in the past when the present is better. "Thank you for apologizing. I don't know if things will ever be perfectly normal between us, but I'd like to try," Castiel says to Naomi. His mother smiles at him for the first time in years.  
  
"Thank you, Castiel."  
  
"Of course, Nao _—_ " he cuts himself off and tries again. "Of course, mother." It's the first time he's addressed his mother without using her name in years, and Naomi seems to understand the weight of his words.   
  
When they leave, they don't embrace each other, but Castiel spares her a smile. He mouths a goodbye to Anna on the way, with Dean's arm hooked around his waist. He can hardly believe his mother apologized and that they're going to finally begin piecing their relationship back together. He stopped hoping for it years ago, and now that it's happened, he doesn't know what to say.   
  
But he knows they'll be able to figure it out. 

\- - -

He's not sure how Dean managed to convince him to take a bath with him, but he's glad he agreed. The water floats across his skin at a perfect temperature, relaxing all his muscles one by one.   
  
"It's not the date we planned on having, but I think it's going well, wouldn't you say?" Dean asks. He's sitting across from Castiel in the tub, their legs piled up against each other, slippery but warm. They stopped to eat dinner at the Italian place nearby following the talk with Naomi. It wasn't where they planned on going, but it was still good food. And then they got home and Dean talked Castiel into talking a bath to relax.  
  
"I'd say so," Castiel agrees, his eyes slipping closed, with his head tilted toward the ceiling.   
  
"You know, I've never taken a bath yet in this tub. This is my first time." That has Castiel peeking one blue eye open to look at Dean.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, I never had the chance. Baths are more your thing," Dean shrugs.  
  
"Well, I only take one once in a blue moon. I can't find the time in my usual schedule."  
  
"It's not as boring as I thought it would be. Though maybe that's just because I have eye candy like you to look at," Dean winks at him.   
  
Castiel snorts and closes his eyes again. "I thought you said this was to relax."  
  
"Yeah, well you're distracting. And this water smells a little too much like roses." They'd added rose oil into the water before stepping in, and it gave off a sweet and flowery fragrance. It was Castiel's first time using the rose oil, and he wasn't hating it.   
  
"Aren't roses supposed to be romantic?"  
  
"Yeah, because me and you are the epitome of romance," Dean laughs.  
  
"That is true. Ours is an exceptionally unconventional relationship."  
  
"Yeah, I mean, who else spends years tip-toeing around each other until a fake relationship kickstarts them to get together? We're one of a kind, Cas."  
  
Castiel rolls his eyes. "Whatever you say." For a few minutes, neither of them speak. Castiel's mind wanders to everything that brought them to this moment, to each other. And he really wouldn't change a thing.  
  
The water gradually cools down, losing its soothing warmth until it's cold against his skin. But Dean's gaze seems to get more and more heated.  
  
"Hey, how's your foot doing?" Dean asks, looking to Castiel's left foot.   
  
"It's doing better," Castiel answers. The wound is all but healed, but it left a harsh red mark behind.  
  
"I guess I'm your," Dean starts snickering, "Achilles heel." He lets out a full bodied laugh at the pun he made, throwing his head back as the laugh shakes through his core.   
  
"You're an idiot," Castiel laughs.  
  
"Yeah, but you love it," Dean says as his laugh dies down. He lifts up Castiel's left foot to examine the heel, keeping his touch gentle. He glances up at Castiel's face for a second before bringing Castiel's heel to his mouth to kiss it once.  
  
"Dean, what are you doing?" Dean continues to kiss at Castiel's heel, pressing his lips where he can. He moves from his spot in the tub to begin working his way up Castiel's leg, laying kisses against from his ankle to the back of his knee.  
  
"Let me take care of you, okay?" Dean breathes out. The water sloshes as Dean moves under it, his lips wet and glistening as he gets closer and closer. However, Dean skips Castiel's thighs and instead moves onto his chest, kissing along the span of it. He sweeps out his tongue to lap at one of Castiel's nipples, causing Castiel to let out a weak whimper. Dean's teeth latch onto his right nipple, and he tugs with his teeth.  
  
" _Dean_." His voice is breathy and urgent all at once, but Dean isn't having any of it right now, for he just hums in acknowledgment before moving on to lave at Castiel's neck. The kisses he lays on Castiel's neck have him closing his eyes and leaning his neck back. The sensation is almost too much as Dean creeps his lips up into the sensitive spot under Castiel's ear, and it has him bucking his hips up, catching on Dean's.   
  
"One second, sweetheart," Dean whispers into Castiel's ear, sending more shivers down Castiel's spine. Dean moves his kisses from his ear and slowly moves across Castiel's cheek. At this point, the water's turned cold, but the heat radiating Dean's body is more than enough to distract Castiel.  
  
Finally, finally, Dean moves his lips to meet Castiel's, and it feels like a benediction. Castiel's mouth slips open almost immediately as he allows himself to be devoured by Dean. Dean's lips are wet and smell of roses, but his mouth is heavy on Castiel's. His hands move to grip Dean's hips, but he keeps his touch light. His eyes flutter open like the wings of a butterfly as Dean's hands move lower and lower to grip at Castiel's cock, already hard. He gasps against Dean's mouth when Dean crooks his hand in just the right angle.   
  
"Wanna move this to somewhere less wet?" Dean suggests.  
  
"Please," Castiel manages to respond. Dean climbs off of Castiel, reaching for their towels on the stand beside the tub. When Castiel steps out too, Dean's lips are back on his as they clumsily dry each other off, making sure to pull the plug to drain the bath water.   
  
Step by step, they trip into their bedroom, though the bed is still unmade from the morning. Neither of them care, as Castiel falls back first, but Dean doesn't climb on top of him, still standing with a thoughtful expression on his face.  
  
"Something wrong?"  
  
"Not really." Dean bites his lip, his eyes trailing over Castiel's body. "It's just that I wanna try something, but you're gonna have to trust me."  
  
"What is it?" Castiel makes sure to keep his voice even as Dean settles into the bed.   
  
"Easier if I just show you. But you're gonna have to flip onto your stomach," Dean reasons.  
  
Castiel nods just as Dean gives him a kiss to his lips.   
  
"It'll feel good, I promise," Dean murmurs against his lips. Castiel nods again and flips to rest on his stomach. He presses his face against the pale blue sheets, his breathing heavy as Dean kisses down his spine. Castiel's not sure what to expect from Dean, but he trusts the other man not to hurt him. He never had the opportunity to explore sexually, never felt the need to, but Dean puts all sorts of filthy thoughts into Castiel's head.   
  
"Tell me to stop if you don't like it," Dean warns one last time, and Castiel doesn't have time to say anything else before he feels Dean spread his ass apart. And then Dean's tongue delves into the tight rim of muscle between them.   
  
He gasps, arching his back as the wet heat of Dean's tongue explores him. His tongue is relentless, almost reverent as he worships Castiel in the way he can. 

Castiel's fingers twist in the sheets, desperate to anchor themselves in something before he uncoils.   
  
"Good?" Dean says, pulling off. Castiel cranes his neck to hold Dean's gaze.  
  
"Yes. Don't stop," Castiel breathes.   
  
Dean chuckles and moves his tongue back inside Castiel, lapping at the muscle until it loosens underneath his ministrations. Castiel feels familiar pressure rise inside of him as he almost sobs into the pillows at the sensation. It's wet heat, making his pulse race, his breath coming in uneven gasps.  
  
After a moment, Dean pulls off again, grabs lube from their nightstand, and coats his fingers in the liquid, two fingers going into Castiel easily.   
  
"Hurry up, Dean. Need you," Castiel whimpers. Dean moves three fingers out of him, brushing against his prostrate once in a while. The speed of his breath accelerates, his fingers still holding onto the sheets in a firm grip, his face buried in the sheets below him. At this rate, he's going to be screaming into them soon.   
  
Dean moves up over Castiel to get a condom after he takes his fingers out, but Castiel doesn't hear the sound of it opening even after he waits for a minute.   
  
"Turn around again," Dean murmurs, tapping at Castiel's hip. Castiel obliges, turning to see the smile on Dean's face.  
  
"God, you're gorgeous," Dean sighs as he rips open the condom and rolls it on. He slicks himself up to push inside Castiel, nudging at his entrance. As Dean sinks into Castiel, a blissed-out expression overtakes his face. Castiel is glad that Dean wanted to do this face to face, because this way, he can see the myriad of expression Dean makes as he's buried inside Castiel.   
  
As Dean bottoms out, he waits for Castiel to give him to go before moving, thrusting his hips gently as Castiel nods. Rather than the urgency Castiel expected, Dean's thrusts are slow and gentle, meeting Castiel halfway as they move together. Dean seals his mouth over Castiel's, but the desperation from when they'd been in the bath is gone. Instead, it's chaste and sweet, matching the tune of their bodies.   
  
Every touch from Dean ignites a fire in Castiel that swallows him down. Dean's eyes remain fixated on his even when Castiel takes Dean's right hand to knot their fingers together. Dean brings up their intertwined hands to kiss the back of Castiel's, his eyes alight with so much emotion that Castiel almost has to look away. It's like he's looking straight into Dean's soul, and it's almost too much, too pure.   
  
A wave is cresting in Castiel as their bodies slide against each other, pushing, giving, and taking. At this point, they've gone from kissing to just breathing into each other's mouths, Castiel's breaths are more like gasps.   
  
"I'm close," Castiel pants. Dean takes this as initiative to touch Castiel's neglected cock, nestled in the space between their bodies. Two long pulls from Dean, and Castiel is done for, crying out as the wave crashes all at once.   
  
"Christ, Cas." Dean continues moving as he searches for his own release, changing from slow undulations of his hips to snapping down against Castiel.   
  
Though Castiel's cock is becoming sensitive, he matches Dean's thrusts as best as he can, and after a minute, Dean is coming with a ragged shout.  
  
"I love you, I love you,  _I love you_ ," Dean gasps against Castiel's neck, burying his face in the crook of it. The room fills with their harsh breaths as Castiel waits for the racing of Dean's heart to even out.   
  
Dean tilts his head up to meet join his mouth to Castiel's after a moment, nothing more than a press of lips. A  _thank you_  and a  _don't ever leave me_  exchanged between them.   
  
Castiel cups Dean's cheek in his palm, relinquishing the hold they had on each other's hands. Dean leans in to the simple touch, his expression still dazed.   
  
"I love you, too," he proclaims. Dean smiles as him, and another wave swells up in Castiel. 

\- - -

If there were ever a place where Castiel felt the most at home, it would be by Dean's side.   
  
Dean's laptop is balanced on both of their knees as they look through a bunch of photos Charlie sent. Apparently, she came across her old camera, and on it she found photos from three or four years ago, photos that are making both of them burst out laughing.  
  
"Fuck, look at Gabe in that picture," Dean laughs, pointing to the screen. The pictures seem to be from Castiel's twenty-fifth birthday, where Gabriel had flown down to celebrate. The picture in question is of Gabriel balancing three plates of cake in his hand, with a gleeful expression on his face.   
  
"I still don't know how Gabriel manages to eat so many sweets without ever getting ill."  
  
"I know, right? It makes me sick just looking at him," Dean admits, his fingers brushing Castiel's shirt. They're both in boxers and old t-shirts, already ready for bed. It's been a week since Dean's new job officially began, and they're still trying to get used to the change. Dean's hours have become more random, and he has his first meeting with the Board coming up next week. But he's taking it in stride, in Castiel's opinion, since he still makes time for his friends and Castiel. He even spent a couple hours video-chatting Sam the previous day.  
  
The new change has also been different for Castiel, who's been working longer and longer shifts. Their lives have become a balancing act, but it's manageable. They have each other to figure things out.  
  
"Hey, look at that picture," Dean says as Castiel clicks the arrow. It's of Dean mid-laugh at something Castiel must have said, since Castiel has a tiny smile on his face. Both of them look so much younger than they do now, even though it was less than four years ago. At that point, neither of them had had full time jobs, and neither of them had as much responsibility as they do now. They were just two guys that met each other in a bar that happened to be best friends.   
  
And at that point, yes, Castiel had realized he was in love with Dean, though it was a fresh revelation.   
  
But the most profound part about the picture is not their appearance; it's the look they both have in their eyes. It's the same look they both have today when they look at each other.

"You know, I knew you were gonna be a big part of my life even then," Dean says, his eyes still glued to the screen. He must have come to the same conclusion that Castiel has.   
  
"Yeah?" Castiel prompts, his eyes fixed on Dean's profile. He looks at Dean's freckles and sees a galaxy within in them.  
  
"Yeah." Dean turns his head to glance at Castiel. His eyes mirror his expression in the picture, and in them, Castiel sees what he saw all those years ago, what he didn't understand back then.   
  
And something in him says that it's a look that'll stay with him for a long, long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading.
> 
> Also, sorry for any medical inaccuracies!
> 
> There's a likely chance that a timestamp will be posted, but that might not be for a little while.
> 
> Find me [here](http://charmedcas.tumblr.com/) on tumblr!


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